Thinking Kinky : The Nappy Haired Diva

Robin Williams didn't commit suicide. Depression murdered him. That's how I view it. I dislike when people say suicide. It's almost as if people immediately discount the significance of the loss because the death was self-inflicted. I can assure you that depression drives people to off themselves. For the sake of being technical, yes killing yourself is suicide but please do this for me: think of a time you were desperate. I don't care if it was to receive attention from that person you were madly in love with or when you stole that money, or told that lie, or took them back. Photo by  Mike Wilson  on  Unsplash It was a moment of desperation. Were you in control? Perhaps. Did it feel like it? No. Welcome to the lives of the depressed. I often feel like a shell that is housing a cloud of sadness within me. I don't get to wear all black and sit in art galleries smoking slim cigarettes discussing dark abstract art. I'm not emo chic. I gain weight and look li...

I didn't know I was a side chick. It all kind of just, well happened. I have pointed many a finger at women who were Mistresses by choice and called them all sorts of terrible names to shame them for aiding a man in infidelity. Then I became the mistress. What was the lesson? Well when someone says they are separated, it means they are married. I wasn't your typical Mistress. I wasn't a spoiled chick with  my own credit card and exotic weekend trips. Nope, I was just relief. I was a welcomed change to a troubled marriage.  photo courtesy of www.xclusivetouch.co.uk He was separated. He had been separated from her for 4 years, had no interest in reconciliation, and was interested in me. My red flag started to rise a bit when he said 4 years. Who is separated for 4 years? Why not divorce? Did she up and move to another country? What the hell? He said that they just never bothered to but he needs to get around to it (ya think?!). Time went on and I got more and more...

Who do you call on when you need help coming to a decision? Many of us call our best friend, a parent, or seek spiritual revelation. Some of us find ourselves on the couch of a high priced therapist hoping for direction instead of reflection. I'm writing this blog to tell you that you don't need to look to anyone else for your answers. The answers are within you. Each of us are equipped with internal wisdom. We have the gift to discern our life's direction. This isn't to forsake the God you serve, this is to say if you in fact believe in the God you serve, you should believe your God dwells inside of you and therefore you can seek answers from within. Don't feel guilty about it. Following your heart takes training however, I'm a firm believer that your heart doesn't lead you wrong. The conflict of the mind and heart is what steers people in the wrong direction. When your heart says "yes" and your mind says "maybe" the signals cross ...

He moved me to do things that I hadn't done. Highway drives, random rides, he was up for fun. He held my hand as we listened to tunes. We would chat about politics, friends, and news. Conversation just flowed with any topic we'd choose. He would puff on natural stuff, and I would drink all the booze. I'd play in his hair and he would always close his eyes and smile. We'd escape in our place and allow our passion to run wild. Our hearts moved inches and then soared for miles. He wanted us to pour our love into making a child. But then there was the fighting, and the hurt feelings. The light that shone on us fell hard from loves ceiling. Loves walls were crumbling and the paint was peeling. Love was breaking down faster than we could do the healing We couldn't buy back all the happiness the drama was stealing God wouldn't answer our prayers so we both quit kneeling. Each day resentment would continue to build. day by day until ...

Everyone has a purpose. Life is a journey to realizing that purpose and sharing it with the rest of the world. Many times we seek the secret to success without realizing that the secret is no more than discovering to your gift and giving it to the world. We often interpret success to be financial. Financial wealth is no more than a blessing that is the fortunate result of sharing your gift(s). I once met a woman who told me that Oprah Winfrey was her best friend. While Oprah can't call this woman specifically by name, I'm sure she knows that she is often considered a friend or even best friend to thousands of people if not more. She would have never received the opportunity to play that role in so many lives had she not embarked upon a career as a news anchor. Eventually, she was turned away from the business because she didnt have the look. That rejection only allowed her to place her focus on other opportunities and after the start of a talkshow she was able to take her...

My mother is from Trinidad, W.I. Being raised by a Caribbean mother is unique. There are inside jokes that my only fellow W.I.-Americans (or First Generation Yankees) can appreciate. One of those things are the amount of fuss that is created over cleaning. In a Caribbean household, cleaning is a BIG deal but there are two specific cleanings that have plagued my life since I can remember: Holiday Cleaning and Spring Cleaning. Thankfully I have survived the holidays however Spring Cleaning is now here and my mother is buzzing about the house shaking her head disdainfully as she tears down curtains, and tossing just about any and everything into a thick black garbage bag. Typically, I try to stay out of my mother's way. I hide until she is done. My mother is almost always angry while she cleans and even if I took the initiative to clean something she would come behind me only to clean it all over again to her liking. This year however, I have my own bit of spring cleaning to do. By fi...

So, I have made a decision to move on. I am going to move on from being overweight, unhappy, financially insecure and negative. So I decided to begin a new way of eating. I am eating healthier and this is not a temporary solution but a long term solution. I am starting the HCG diet. I think if anything it would be a good way for me to become disciplined. I need to learn how to stay away from sugars, processed foods etc. The first two days I was to eat whatever I craved. It was a fun run but by last night I was so consumed with greasy rubbish that I was ready for day 3. Day 3 is today. I can not have anything but Melba toast, grilled chicken (3 0z), and fruit. Its going to be a touch day... Now to move on to happiness. I don't plan to do anything that doesn't make me happy. If I don't have to do it and it will not bring any joy to my life, I will refrain from doing it. Thats the rule. I am going to do what I want to do so that regrets will come far and few between. Money... ...

I decided to quit my job and go back to school. Unlike most people, my primary motivation for going back to school is not to make more money, but to finish what a started. I have embarked on numerous business ventures, books, friendships, relationships, diets (I can keep going, but I think you can get the point), only to fail because I didn't finish what I started. What's even more ridiculous is that legitimate interest has been taken with each of my "bright idea's" and I still never managed to bring my goals to the finish line. The catalyst for most of my business plans was an extreme sense of discontentment in my life. As I would wait tables, or screen applicants, or break up for what seemed like the hundredth time, I would dream of a day of doing something I actually wanted to do as opposed to what landed in my lap. Granted that at some point, most of the things I have done were what I wanted at that particular moment, however not many of them were a part of my...