Thinking Kinky : The Nappy Haired Diva

When started dating after separation, I did it in phases. The first phase was catch up. I wanted to catch up with every man I had a spark with to explore where it would have went had I not gotten married. Once I realized that these "what if's" were really "don't bother's" I moved on to try to find "the one." After several failed attempts and false starts with "the one" I began making rules. I didn't always know what I liked but I was certain after several failed relationships of what I didnt. However, now that I look back, I realize that plenty of the red flags that made me run were almost always a shared similarity with my ex. If a man said he was interested in anything my ex was interested in, I began to feel uneasy and delve deeper for more "flags". I'll even admit that if a man were from the same country or continent as my ex, I would get turned off. I now know that I was suffering from PTRD (Post Traumatic Re...

I was in an abusive relationship for about at least nine years. I was emotionally abused, I was financially taken for granted, and there were other types of abuse that I prefer not to elaborate on. The bottom line is that I was in a relationship that put me in a dark place and I became quite comfortable with the pain that I constantly endured. He was the first man I had ever fallen in love with and I didn't know anything else. I functioned within the dysfunction and while I knew things were not "right" I still stayed. Eventually it had nothing to do with love but much more to do with habit. Then- I ended it all. Each man I have met and dated since has been a better fit for me than the man before him. Each man I have met and dated since has shown me what it is that I deserve and has given me a glimpse of what happiness within a relationship can be like. Recently I met someone that has been a ray of light in my life. He is smart, he is attentive, hard-working, s...

"I love you." She said. She always said that. She said it so much that it made me cringe. It was like pouring too much syrup on your waffles. The sweet taste in small quantities was satisfying, and one slip of the hand and you can have a problem. Not enough waffle to fill your stomach, an abundance of sweet enough to make your stomach ache. Her love was like waffles drowning in syrup. I was the waffle. She was the syrup. I was weakened by her saturation of dramatic exits and appearances in my life. "I really do love you." She said. She was waiting for me to say something. I had reached the point where no answer was the right one unless it was what she wanted to hear. Silence. I had nothing to say. I wasn't going to do what she wanted me to do. I was going to do what I wanted to do for a change. "I guess I should stop loving you then." She was still prodding. Or was she toying with me? She was sopping up some of the syrup and threatening to toss the...

"I'm not in love with you anymore." Surely if you were the unfortunate recipient of this confession its highly likely that your heart immediately felt as if it had imploded. Your only chance at resuscitation would be renewed affections from the very culprit who wounded you so severly. I have never been told that I was no longer loved. I regretfully admit that I have at a time recited those seven words with mournful resignation to someone once before. The thing is, I do believe that its possible one can "fall out of love" but I don't believe that love can ever be discontinued. After all, "falling in love" and "loving" seem like the same thing with varied intensity. Love is far more than a feeling. Its a commitment. Once you commit to something, you don't renege. If more people looked at love as an emotional commitment, perhaps the notion of even "falling out of love" or "not loving" would become more obscure. I...

Each day, I would wake up and get a precious gem. There wasn't a day that they were ever the same, yet all of them were equally valuable. There came a day when I had more gems than I knew what to do with. They filled my pockets, they surrounded my feet, they consumed me. I didn't know how to clear them. I didn't know how to sort them. I didn't know how to leave them. I loved them so much. Still, each day I continued to receive each gem. Ever fatigued by the weight and quantity of them I smiled as I received them and frowned immediately after as I pondered what to do with them. I was in over my head. So, I decided to throw them away. I lamented over the loss, but I didn't know what to do with them. I valued them, and I loved them but I couldn't make them work for me. Instead I just allowed myself to be consumed, and my lack of a plan led to frustration and eventually gave way to resignation. I let my gems go. Upon giving them up, I suddenly had space to think ab...

I have finally come to the conclusion that I am quite dysfunctional. My knack for getting into volatile relationships is best described as uncanny. I can NOT look for a dysfunctional relationship and land myself into one. I have done some serious finger pointing in the past, but this time I am going to point the finger at myself. I must be a wreck because all I see is calamity when it comes to my love life. I am still working toward a divorce, I am still plagued by a strange relationship with my mother,and I recently ended a highly volatile summer love affair. I can honestly tell you that I had no idea that any of these relationships were dysfunctional until I happened to glance across the room and saw my mind lying haphazardly across the floor. This was actually somewhat comforting since I didn't need to actually search for it. I suppose all wasn't completely lost. Either way, for the past year I've been frantically collecting myself and trying to recover (and regroup)....