When started dating after separation, I did it in phases. The first phase was catch up. I wanted to catch up with every man I had a spark with to explore where it would have went had I not gotten married. Once I realized that these "what if's" were really "don't bother's" I moved on to try to find "the one."
After several failed attempts and false starts with "the one" I began making rules. I didn't always know what I liked but I was certain after several failed relationships of what I didnt. However, now that I look back, I realize that plenty of the red flags that made me run were almost always a shared similarity with my ex. If a man said he was interested in anything my ex was interested in, I began to feel uneasy and delve deeper for more "flags". I'll even admit that if a man were from the same country or continent as my ex, I would get turned off.
I now know that I was suffering from PTRD (Post Traumatic Relationship Disorder). All men were one temptation away from cheating. All men were liars. All men were selfish. If they weren't any of those things, then I had decided they were desperate and didnt want me, but just wanted a warm body and since I was available I was in demand. At the time I felt stronger than ever. I was equipped with dysfunction that I confidently named standards . No one can question a person with standards. The moment you say " Don't you think you are asking for a bit too much?" You will receive an mournful look as they shake their head in shame that you will settle for anything instead of employing standards so you can get who you really want and deserve. You'll walk away questioning everything you thought you knew about relationships even if you are in a happy one. Ironically this person with a remarkable about of "standards" is perpetually single but taking what appears to be the high road as they journey uphill on their crusade for a deserving mate worthy of their love.
Do I now believe that standards are a bad thing? Not at all. I will say however, that creating impossible hurdles for love interests to jump through and putting them in a "standards" costume will still make them what they are; by-products of your failed relationships. When it was brought to my attention that my distaste for dating men solely because they come from a specific geographical area was not only absurd but prejudiced, I balked. I clutched my pearls and gasped at the notion. I'm not prejudiced. I'm a NY native! I have seen it all. I don't judge! But I had. I allowed one bad experience ruin my opportunities for a good one because I closed myself to an entire population of people. Alas, I had no choice but to admit that I had fallen victim to PTRD. Every wall that I built to protect my heart was another wall keeping people from getting closer to it.
As for standards, I no longer have a list of do's and dont's in my head. I handle relationships like food. If I like it, I keep chewing and come back for seconds. If I don't like it, I spit it out. Sometimes I like it, but I've had my fill and I move on. Our instincts in relationships should be no different to our instincts in life. If you touch something hot, you pull your hand away. If you see something you are trying to catch whether it be a bus or an icecream truck, you take off running. Trust yourself to know what's best. That alone, should be standard procedure.
After several failed attempts and false starts with "the one" I began making rules. I didn't always know what I liked but I was certain after several failed relationships of what I didnt. However, now that I look back, I realize that plenty of the red flags that made me run were almost always a shared similarity with my ex. If a man said he was interested in anything my ex was interested in, I began to feel uneasy and delve deeper for more "flags". I'll even admit that if a man were from the same country or continent as my ex, I would get turned off.
I now know that I was suffering from PTRD (Post Traumatic Relationship Disorder). All men were one temptation away from cheating. All men were liars. All men were selfish. If they weren't any of those things, then I had decided they were desperate and didnt want me, but just wanted a warm body and since I was available I was in demand. At the time I felt stronger than ever. I was equipped with dysfunction that I confidently named standards . No one can question a person with standards. The moment you say " Don't you think you are asking for a bit too much?" You will receive an mournful look as they shake their head in shame that you will settle for anything instead of employing standards so you can get who you really want and deserve. You'll walk away questioning everything you thought you knew about relationships even if you are in a happy one. Ironically this person with a remarkable about of "standards" is perpetually single but taking what appears to be the high road as they journey uphill on their crusade for a deserving mate worthy of their love.
Do I now believe that standards are a bad thing? Not at all. I will say however, that creating impossible hurdles for love interests to jump through and putting them in a "standards" costume will still make them what they are; by-products of your failed relationships. When it was brought to my attention that my distaste for dating men solely because they come from a specific geographical area was not only absurd but prejudiced, I balked. I clutched my pearls and gasped at the notion. I'm not prejudiced. I'm a NY native! I have seen it all. I don't judge! But I had. I allowed one bad experience ruin my opportunities for a good one because I closed myself to an entire population of people. Alas, I had no choice but to admit that I had fallen victim to PTRD. Every wall that I built to protect my heart was another wall keeping people from getting closer to it.
As for standards, I no longer have a list of do's and dont's in my head. I handle relationships like food. If I like it, I keep chewing and come back for seconds. If I don't like it, I spit it out. Sometimes I like it, but I've had my fill and I move on. Our instincts in relationships should be no different to our instincts in life. If you touch something hot, you pull your hand away. If you see something you are trying to catch whether it be a bus or an icecream truck, you take off running. Trust yourself to know what's best. That alone, should be standard procedure.
Comments
Post a Comment