Recently, I had the pleasure of witnessing a close family member tie the knot, jump the broom, take the plunge, etc. I have to admit that a part of me watched her grin and spin in her dress, dance, laugh and enjoy her day and I felt as if I were watching a documentary. On my wedding day I was 5 months pregnant, the groom was late, I was in the courthouse and I paid for the entire thing. We didn't even have rings. So as you can imagine, watching a woman totally enjoy her special day was a joy to see but also quite strange. I wonder how someone reaches that point of happiness when it comes to relationships? Now this couple has had their fair share of ups and downs. I've witnessed it. I was surprised they made it the altar. This isn't to speak negatively about their relationship. I'm often surprised anyone makes it the the altar these days. However, when the big day came there was nothing but joy for the both of them. The happiness they felt toward each other was palpable to all who bore witness to it. They were madly in love...for the wedding. So what happens after? I dont know. Some people remain in love, some people claim to fall out of it. Some people have highs and lows. I know that when I got married my love for my husband was like a mountain top. I started at just about nothing, climbed my way up high and then was sent tumbling back to the ground. Watching close friends and family in loving relationships always feels like an education rather than an interaction. I like being the observer. I have little desire to create my own relationship. The thought of a functional marriage is a welcomed one but the faith that one exists is non-existent. I watch my loved ones and have the highest hope for their success but I can't help but wonder if they will meet the same failure that I once did. I wish I could just say I am negative but statistics support that I am a realist. The divorce rate is quite high. It probably always was high. Maybe years ago people didnt divorce but just became estranged. Now people want to move on and be able to attempt the fairy tale that failed. So if someone divorces and marries in a three year span, what does that do the statistics? Marriage is meant to last until death. However people don't seem to make that stop them from leaving a marriage that seems to be squeezing the life out of them (myself included). Whether or not my friends make it it or fail, the happiness they felt for that day should be worth it. Knowing that on my wedding day, all I felt was sheer aggravation let's me realize that people can be happy ...and married. Let's just hope they die that way.
When started dating after separation, I did it in phases. The first phase was catch up. I wanted to catch up with every man I had a spark with to explore where it would have went had I not gotten married. Once I realized that these "what if's" were really "don't bother's" I moved on to try to find "the one." After several failed attempts and false starts with "the one" I began making rules. I didn't always know what I liked but I was certain after several failed relationships of what I didnt. However, now that I look back, I realize that plenty of the red flags that made me run were almost always a shared similarity with my ex. If a man said he was interested in anything my ex was interested in, I began to feel uneasy and delve deeper for more "flags". I'll even admit that if a man were from the same country or continent as my ex, I would get turned off. I now know that I was suffering from PTRD (Post Traumatic Re...
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