Thinking Kinky : The Nappy Haired Diva

The knock was unexpected. I was watching "Boyz N Da Hood" on a very grainy VHS and wasn't expecting company. I'd sneak boys into the small basement apartment before but lately I wasn't in the mood for boys with their anxious hands pawing all over me, with open mouth kisses lacking coordination as they tried to feel up my shirt. Oh, it was him. He was a young man, eighteen, maybe nineteen. High School graduate. He was moonlighting as a mechanic. Mom took a liking to him. She always took a liking to the wrong men. I liked his physique. He was lean and chiseled; the build of a young man who is used to hard labor. I was attracted to him, but not enough to do much about it. Besides, he had a girlfriend who was in her early twenties. There was no competing with a young woman when you are a fifteen year old girl with a mild crush. She sent me to his house to give him some money for some work he began to do on her car. I stood on the stoop and rang the doorb...

  He assaulted me at gunpoint. I never imagined his capacity for evil until that moment. At the time I felt helpless and it frightened me. You never realize the capacity of someone else's power until they reign over you. I was unable to make choices, and I thought he was an ally and quickly realized that if I didn't submit to his will he would assume the role of enemy with little warning.  That was about seven years ago. It's interesting how it's said that seven is the divine number symbolizing completion because it took me about seven years to forgive the person who took my choice away that night.  It's difficult for me to share this, not because I suppress it or haven't confronted it. It's difficult for me to share this because I have children and I've not even shared this with them. I plan to reveal this to them, but when it's relevant to their lives as young women. They are still girls. I want to keep them safe, but I want to also equip...

We met one day when I was coming from the mall. When shame had yet to weigh on my shoulders and I still stood tall. We dated a bit and moved quite fast two lines on a stick and we had 18 years to last. Two more lines, and we decided to marry. I waddled to the courthouse with our baby I carried. That moment was just that, it didnt last long Before the blues were my only song. He cheated as often as people sleep or any other ritual like waking up or brushing teeth there was never a time it wasnt in my face when I got calls from women saying : "I've been at your place" "I sat on your couch." "You're married? I'm sorry, I should have figured that out." "He took me to six flags" "I saw your family pictures." "He said your marriage was open, I didn't know he was with ya." So one night, he was sitting on his phone. Chatting with his mistress as if I weren't even home. I pulled on my stockings and ...