Thinking Kinky : The Nappy Haired Diva

Photo by  Redd Angelo  on  Unsplash "So what do you want to do about us?" That's what I asked him. It had been about two years of dating, love, and intimacy of varied levels.  "I would like us to be together in the future. I can see us together." These kinds of answers do nothing for me. When someone wants something, they set goals. I wasn't a goal. I was an option. I was a convenience and for the greater portion of two years, I was a fool.  I could say the love held me there. I could say the chemistry held me there however, whatever the reason I can't say it was worth spending two years hoping that someone would decide I'm worth committing to.  The worst part? This silly response was always the same. Time went on and the response remained the same. There were brief periods where we actually were "together" but the same issues that plagued our relationship from the beginning hung over us like a black cloud. We were covered i...

It's all in me It's in my control I rock my Pisces I steal your soul I tolerate you til tolerating gets old a lady so sweet a bitch so cold Dude I'm showing you the curves Hips showing you the swerve Give my ex the finger N-gga's when you gon' learn? It's all in me It's in my control I rock my Pisces I steal your soul Dude, I'm showing you the honey I'm playing playboy bunny You're filthy rich in bullshit But I don't need that kind of money I tolerate you til tolerating gets old a lady so sweet a bitch so cold Dude, I'm taking back my time strutting all this fine but I dont think I'll be so kind to stay off your f-cking mind It's all in me It's in my control I rock my Pisces I steal your soul I tolerate you til tolerating gets old a lady so sweet a bitch so cold

Sometimes he looked at me the way I had always wanted to be looked at. His eyes would fill with a wonder as if I was a beautiful creature he never knew existed. I would often pretend I didn't notice, because I liked to be admired a bit longer. I knew he would break his gaze if I acknowledged it. So I sat and made my best effort to remain natural, refusing to ruin the moment with unnecessary interruption. Other times, I would intentionally turn toward him. I would return his gaze and admire every curve of his face. I would notice the perceived flaws and want to kiss them all. My lips would travel across the map of his face, landing on every location of interest. He would laugh, and distract my lips from their unplanned journey by planting his against my own- keeping them in the destination he chose. I was alway obedient to what he wanted. Knowing that he wanted me was enough and so I did as he directed and I enjoyed heeding his unsaid instructions. I knew when he didn't wa...

 There she was, Patty Gregory. Patty was as cute as a button and I wanted to be her friend. This was back a Black person with fair skin was beautiful without taking their heart, mind, or physical features into consideration. She was cute though on the outside and because of that, being lighter skinned made her even cuter. Add the fact that her hair was down her back and she immediately elevated to goddess level. I had to be her friend. I had to be worthy of her friendship. She had to accept me! ...and she did.  Later into the semester, a new girl came to our class. Her name was Kendra and she and Patty became fast friends. I watched closely, anxious that Kendra was not only going to rain on my parade but do it with my own thunder she was quickly stealing. Though fearful of being demoted from primary friend to secondary friend, my five year old self opted to keep a watchful eye before making a decision on how to secure my place in Patty's life. I grit my teeth as K...

  He assaulted me at gunpoint. I never imagined his capacity for evil until that moment. At the time I felt helpless and it frightened me. You never realize the capacity of someone else's power until they reign over you. I was unable to make choices, and I thought he was an ally and quickly realized that if I didn't submit to his will he would assume the role of enemy with little warning.  That was about seven years ago. It's interesting how it's said that seven is the divine number symbolizing completion because it took me about seven years to forgive the person who took my choice away that night.  It's difficult for me to share this, not because I suppress it or haven't confronted it. It's difficult for me to share this because I have children and I've not even shared this with them. I plan to reveal this to them, but when it's relevant to their lives as young women. They are still girls. I want to keep them safe, but I want to also equip...

I was lying in bed when I heard the familiar chime of an incoming text. Opening one eye, I opened the message to see two letters: GM. Still, in the stupor that slumber often puts you in, I scanned my brain to register the meaning...ah yes...Good Morning. I clumsily keyed in "Hey" and hit the send button. I kept my face deep in my pillow listening for another chime. Nothing. I switched my phone into silent mode and caught another hour of sleep before waking up again. This is a typical day in the life of a serial texter. I text a lot. I text because it's free (on my cell plan). I text because it's convenient. I text because it's a great way to have a conversation without actually having a conversation. But what happens when you actually WANT to speak to the other person with whom you are texting? How do you break the pattern? After months of texting, a phone call may prove to be awkward and break the momentum you built through texting! This has happened...

A New Leason on Love? : Love Lessons  Photo by  Matt Artz  on  Unsplash There was this man I met years ago, and when I met him I wasn't even into him. I thought that he was a nice guy but there was no spark. We just hung out and chat and while it was a nice time, it wasn't phenomenal. It's funny that as the years go by, we change or at least one would hope that we do and the same person who didn't leave a strong impression can now make a lasting impression on your heart. So one day, a few years ago I told him that I loved him. I told him that I wanted us to just be together. I told him everything that I only thought in my mind. I exposed myself in a way I seldom do and his response was silence. He was too fearful to say he didn't feel the same, or he didn't want that from me, or anything. He just closed himself to me. While I didn't need the reciprocated feelings, the lack of acknowledgment was what hurt. I forgave him. However, I utilize wi...

The Dating Games When I was a kid, I was hooked on re-runs of The Dating Game. I loved watching all of the snazzy guys and gals in their polyester get-ups answering question after question in hopes of sashaying over to the other side of the wall divider to Mr. or Ms. Right. I particularly enjoyed when the geeky guy or gal managed to schmooze their way off their stool and past the wall divider much to the dismay of the hot hopeful date on the other side. Now, as a recently separated woman I have come to realize that the Dating Game is still running, only not on television but in my own life. The wall divider has been replaced by wisdom and intuition, and I still have several bachelors trying to get past that wall and into my heart (or pants... whichever comes first). Although I can see these men, I really can not see them for who they truly are which makes it hard for me to choose who gets to get past this wall that I have up. The funny thing about dating is all of the rules ...

The Big FC: Female Condom Review My first, and last encounter with the Big FC was when my husband and I were still living together, very much in love and quite open to trying new things. Judging by my situation now (separated, warding off love with a garlic necklace, and stuck in my ways), one could infer it was quite some time ago. I decided that I wanted to use the FC because I found it to be liberating that a woman can finally have her own special "designed for her" condom. I likened it to doing a romantic dinner with a man and saying "your house or mine"? I wanted to tell my husband "No dear, put that away! We're using mine today." WRONG! In order to spare you the details and break every TMI rule out there, I will just tell you women (and men) that the BIG FC (pun intended) is a GINORMOUS waste of time polyurathane sheath that masquerades as female contraceptive device. At first glance, the Female Condom is best described as... intimidat...

Love: Underestimated But Not Overrated  There was a time that my views on love would be best described as jaded at best. The irony in that is when reflecting upon my previous love relationships, I would have to admit that I didn't experience the full potential of what love can truly bring. I was often in torrid love affairs where either I was smitten and they weren't, they were smitten and I wasn't or we were both smitten and tormenting each other with our issues. Realizing this has led me to the conclusion that you can't grow tired of something you never truly experienced and to be bitter about a poor outcome from a poor investment is unfair and foolish. When I was married, my husband would often complain that the person I was with others was a more kind and jovial version of the woman I was when we were alone. I would dismiss his claims with the false assurance that I was only wearing the obligatory mask that all people wear when they interact with outsiders...

I seldom pray these days and some of you may say that my lack of prayer is likely the cause of some of my issues. That may or may not be true but today I am an angry woman. I just realized that I blew almost two frikkin years on a man that wasn't worthy of my time. As much as I would like to blame him for giving me a false sense of hope (don't get me going on my thoughts on hope. I'm not too fond of keeping that crap alive at all), I blame myself for foolishly volunteering my time, emotion and energy to a complete jackass.. FOR TWO FRIGGIN YEARS! Now I'm not one to dwell on mistakes. I believe we should take the lessons from them, apply them to the future and move on but its hard to do that when you can't stop thinking about what a son of a b-tch your ex is and what a jackass you were for enduring the b-tch@ssness buffet they served you for an entire relationship. My friends knew he was a jerk. I just thought he was an aspiring good guy with deep rooted jerk issue...

I didn't know I was a side chick. It all kind of just, well happened. I have pointed many a finger at women who were Mistresses by choice and called them all sorts of terrible names to shame them for aiding a man in infidelity. Then I became the mistress. What was the lesson? Well when someone says they are separated, it means they are married. I wasn't your typical Mistress. I wasn't a spoiled chick with  my own credit card and exotic weekend trips. Nope, I was just relief. I was a welcomed change to a troubled marriage.  photo courtesy of www.xclusivetouch.co.uk He was separated. He had been separated from her for 4 years, had no interest in reconciliation, and was interested in me. My red flag started to rise a bit when he said 4 years. Who is separated for 4 years? Why not divorce? Did she up and move to another country? What the hell? He said that they just never bothered to but he needs to get around to it (ya think?!). Time went on and I got more and more...

What does it mean to settle? Does it mean that all these black pots, gang up on my kettle and meddle in my life telling me whats right for whom to sacrifice my heart and who's love is worthy of my fight? What does it mean to settle? Does it mean you limit your love by accepting a bad situation and volunteering to be victim with passive participation claiming what you want but making no initiation to really have it? Does settling mean your habit of taking the blows he impresses upon your body make you that ride or die kind of shawty because you take his abuse and lie to everybody? the fist face two step, that's the dance at this party? What does it mean to settle? To love the one your with but cheat behind their back make a fool out of the one who helps you live while you ditch deep grooves for pavement cracks? sin like the best sinner but say God's got your back? What does it mean to settle? To take on the dude even though he tips the bottle? to take...

I dated some in my day and there was a season of my dating life that I like to call "Chopping Season". That was the period of time when no man was worthy of my time and as soon as they gave me whatever I perceived as "good reason", I chopped them. Chopping someone is as a superior action  word. It's a verb with cojones. I have several ways of doing it. Sometimes I would make sure I did it in person. Other times, it would be a text or a slew of them if I were angry enough. Sometimes I would just block the person; allowing my silence to tell the story. Chopping happened frequently to the point my close friends termed what I did as "chopping". "Did you chop him?" My sister and best friend would often ask. If I was complaining a bit too much my friends would say "chop his ass, he's not worth it". If men were trees, I was surrounded by limbs of lumber. By golly, I chopped. I later realized that I was too hasty sometimes in my dec...

They are smart (enough). Good looking (enough). Sweet (enough). Established (enough)... and you can't like them. You don't know why but there is something that is missing. Or something is there and it does the opposite of making you want to jump their bones, or fall in love, or take the leap or whatever cliche terms we have come up with to mean "be really interested." WHY? Why is it that we can't like the person that is the most logical to like? Why can't love and logic fellowship with one another and frolic toward the sunset in a land of love and common sense? Just about every man that has made sense to be with is the man that I didn't want, couldn't stand or couldn't make it work with. Oh, but bring me Captain Dbag, Sir WasteTime A lot, or King Idiot and you have to pick my tongue up off the floor. I have tried. I have psyched myself out on many occasion. I have done some crazy things to try to be into someone. I have had sex with my eyes clo...

Initially I loved being single. I used to joke with a friend about how we envied Will Smith in I Am Legend. A life of solitude with an awesome dog didn't seem too shabby.. post apocalyptic infected or not. But then this terrible thing happened: time. My kids are more independent. I can see them hanging with their friends in a few more years and I won't be the "it" thing. It sucks rolling over in the bed on a winter night and feeling an ice cold spot next to you. Friends with benefits gets old because we are all rotating friends for more exciting benefits and we know it, its just unspoken. It's like we have the benefits line and we are all standing in it, waiting our turn to get a piece. Trying new benefits isn't always good to do either. You don't know if your care will be up to par for all that... "ails you." I have no one to force to watch Food Network with me. Whenever I need a massage I have to actually go to a massage parlor. (who do...

Why do I keep doing this? I've already said that I quit on love . I took about a year off of dating, an entire year! I sat by myself and attempted to sort out my life's meaning and pursue more tangible goals that didn't involve the ever elusive "real love" that dwells in the habitat of "Dysfunctional Peoplelia". So! Let's go down the roster, shall we? Jimmy: That's not his real name, but I never was fond of putting people on front street via blog. Jimmy is 45, has 5 kids and two marriages under his belt. The kids are grown with the exception of the Irish twins who are the same age as my youngest. He is separated from his last wife for three years now and neither of them have made an effort to divorce. I don't know if its laziness, hope, or financial. Perhaps all three? I'm not looking to jump a broom so I don't care very much. He and I hang out, laugh, smooch, and text. However, he is a bit distant. Before you tell me that hangin...

Sometimes I like to play this game on Facebook with my friends. I post " I knew the date was over when..." and friends chime in with all sorts of wacky stories. So, I've decided to share some of my "I knew the date was over" 's with my Kinky Crew... want to read it? Here it goes!: I Knew The Date Was Over When...  He showed me his house arrest anklet.  He had handcuffs on the steering wheel. He tongue kissed my nose...twice. He drooled on me while we were making out. He said he wish he had breasts He pulled his penis out and showed me his tattoo that said "High Voltage" He ordered 50 buffalo wings and asked me what I wanted.  He showed me his cell phone and a text came in that said "Missing you" He told me that he his hernia mesh kept breaking.  He admitted that she stalked his ex wife in Walmart He spent the entire date asking for advice on his current relationship He had a hug fetish and asked for 9 hugs ...

So, Khloe Kardashian has rushed to her estranged husband's side to be there for him after being rescued from a Las Vegas brothel eh? Surprise , surprise. She still loves him clearly and proceeding with a divorce when her estranged husband is incapacitated seems like the moral thing to do. With the memes that are being circulated lately about Odom's drug habit and saving his marriage by being a junky and sleeping with whores, people have cast  Khloe Kardashian as the village idiot in of  the Khloe-Lamar Love Story. But can we really say anything? Khloe is in the public eye so we all see her idiocy whether she likes it or not, but plenty of us have made similar decisions. We're just fortunate to have our folly concealed behind the lips of faithful friends. Plenty of women and men have not only endured drug addicts, liars, cheaters, but  left them only to take them back a time or two hundred. This behavior isn't news to us. It just makes the news because we enjoy baski...

What's In a Hymen? I read in the paper last week, that some women are seeking to have their hymens repaired so that their soon to be husbands to be would believe that they are virgins. (insert deep breath here) Okay, maybe in a culture where women are expected to be virgins and if they aren't they are stoned to death, or forced into brothels or something...but AMERICA? Then again, what the heck is so great about America? The bottom line is, we as women are so compelled to satisfy men that we are willing to surgically reinvent hymens. Absurd is putting it mildly. Outrageous is more I like it. So, where are all these men who are breaking hymens and running off to marry preserved virgins with hymens in tact, and ready to be broken? Regardless of where you are from, it's the same mentality. Americans are no different and no less oppressed when most American women either: a) broke their hymen in a drunken stupor b) broke their hymen with a guy who's last name isn...