Diary Of A Binge Eater

Today, I am fighting the urge to consume everything in my path.
My eating habits are unhealthy a lot of the time, healthy some of the time, and emotionally driven all the time. If I am feeling good, I eat clean. I have salads, I have lean protein, I work out, I live the lifestyle of someone who wants to live past 70.
When I am feeling bad... its another story. I eat DIRTY. I have cupcakes, gummy bears, sunflower seeds, Mr. Goodbars, Kit Kats, and pizza. I will order a medium pizza and devour it with buffalo wings and bleu cheese faster than you can say "don't do it".
Some years ago, I was diagnosed with MDD (Major Depressive Disorder). I am not one of the folks who don't believe in psychiatric evaluation. I know first hand that depression is a very real and very dangerous thing that has inflicted me for many years but has become more prevalent with age. I believe this is because the older you get the more problems you have. Since I am in an age range where one is normally and "established adult" with a family perhaps, but still too young to be finishing out the grind before retirement I have my share of woes like anyone else.
Regular responsibilities like cleaning the house, cooking dinner, tending to my children, working, and paying bills overwhelm me when I get to a stressful state. First comes the anxiety, then the stress, then the depression...then the binging.
The binging usually starts with Gummy Bears lately. I have a hankering for a specific brand and I know of only one generic brand that tastes suspiciously like the real thing. Anyhow, I start with gummy bears. Then, I move on to sunflower seeds. For me, eating sunflower seeds is quite similar to sucking ones thumb, or biting your nails. I am get cracking and keep my mouth busy, sucking, cracking, chewing and spitting. I can go through an entire jumbo pack of sunflower seeds. This sends my cholesterol SOARING. After I am done with the sunflower seeds...my brain tells me I need comfort food. Most times this is either cake, cupcakes or pizza. At this time I eat until my stomach is distended and consumption is no longer physically possible. It is at this time that I lay on my couch, watch a movie and secretly loathe myself.
I hate myself for eating so much. I hate myself for breaking my healthy diet plan. I hate that gave in to my issues instead of resolving them. After this, I try to make up for my 'mistake' by fasting for numerous days and working out like a fiend. I have fasted for five days, went weeks on 600-1000 calories per day and have lost weight. However, the next crisis causes me to binge and I end up putting on more weight than I lost by the end. This is why I have bounced around the same 20lbs for about 4 years.
Why am I revealing this on a blog? Not for encouragement, but for fellow binge eaters who may read this and be encouraged. Feeling like a failure because I didn't have the guts to force regurgitation after a binge (I have tried with fingers, and a tooth brush to no avail... this was years ago) has left me disappointed with myself. Breaking a fast after only a week made me feel like a fat loser. I don't have the guts and the will power to be an anorexic. Revealing this issue to people and still be a big girl is particularly embarrassing. There is no evidence of my eating habits other than compliments of weight loss one month followed by silence during others when I am looking like a hot air balloon that just won't take flight for some reason.
I know that I am a wonderful person, with many talents, and intelligence, but these things-- these qualities don't make life easier. Life can still suck. Life can still be hard. I do not believe that my life is any more difficult or challenging than anyone else, however there is a flaw in the way I process stress, life and food. For this reason, I wear my woes on my waistline.
You may not be a binger, but if you are...this blogs for you. (pun intended... I can't be serious for too long).