Facebook: The New Online Dating Site

Mark and I need to have a talk. While he is off someplace romancing his wife with the millions of dollars earned through enhancing social media beyond what most minds could fathom (the mind I am mainly speak of is good old Tom from MySpace) there are people who are suffering because of it.
Okay, I'm exaggerating. Blame it on being a kid with older siblings whose vivid imagination was birthed out of necessity. But back to Mark Z... Facebook has come a long way from what it was back in 2009 or whenever the heck it was launched.
Not only can you do most of your shopping on the social media site, but you can also pick up a date. You read that correctly. Facebook is a great place to find your boo, your baby, hell... your bae.
*cringe* ( I so hate that word).
Why is this? Well allow me to share:

1. The Cheers Factor: Remember Cheers? God. I'm dating myself. It was before Woody Harrelson was a bad arse in Natural Born Killers. Please say you have seen Natural Born Killers. Cheers was a sitcom that aired during the hey day of sitcoms. John Goodman was on it, Woody Harrelson was on it and Kelsey Grammer was on it as well. The theme song says: "Sometimes you want to go/Where everybody knows your name,/And they're always glad you came;/You want to be where you can see,/Our troubles are all the same/You want to be where everybody knows your name." If that doesn't describe life on Facebook I don't know what does. We all log in and feel like we are right at home. It's the only place online where most people actually use their REAL name so that other people can find them. We go where everyone knows each other somehow and we freely make "friends" just because we sat with them during 4th period lunch in HS but otherwise know nothing else about them. There is a certain comfort that comes along with Facebook. It's a feel good place. Even when venting about life's stresses, it's where you go to get "likes" that somehow translate into empathy.(We are such a sick society.)

Pic Me: Facebook is the land of the selfies. You can post a picture on Instagram and a tap of a button later, the same picture is on Facebook. People can literally scroll through your entire life as you've generously documented it in selfies and tagged photos. This allows for great stalking. People can see what you like to you, how your face looks, how your body looks and how you've aged over the years. Unless photos are private, you can have feed your curiosity on a smorgasbord of selfies. 

Stat Me Up : Want to gain a sense of a persons personality? Scroll through their Facebook statuses. You will be able to weed out the drama queens, attention whores, know it alls, idiots, geeks, weirdos and slut cakes easily. The best part? The way to a narcissists heart is through liking their status. They will surely take notice. Cool points already. Oh yeahhh. 

Messaging: What's so great about messaging? It's private! No one will know that you are secretly trying to hook up with your HS lab partners ex girlfriend or boyfriend because all of the interaction stays behind closed doors. This also means that should your advances be turned down? It's done privately. So get your Rafiki a la Lion King on because  "it's all in the past" Simba. Never even happened.

Eff The Digits: Remember the days of swapping numbers? Remember? Now forget about it. On Facebook you can call people through messenger. So you don't need to have their number. You can press a button and the phone is ringing. The service sucks and the call will drop within the first 4 seconds but who cares? You're in! You made contact and you didn't even have to ask. Facebook calls happen so infrequently that most people answer them out of curiosity more than anything else. If curiosity killed the cat, the men out there are about to "slay". Don't say I didn't warn ya. 

Easy Break Ups: Again, click a button and you are now out of a relationship with Casey Jo Somebody and another click and whoops! UNFRIENDED. If that doesn't get the point across, you are literally about 4 clicks away from blocking with shuns the former significant other to the Facebook abyss of the unwanted. No contact. You can't even see what they say on a mutual friends page. COLD. 

So, Facebook is a great dating tool. Why pay expensive dating sites when you can read people's profiles, stalk their lives,  check out all of their photos, call them without permission, flatter them, and then discard them when you're done? Thanks Mark Z. You really took the "social" part seriously in "social media". Gotta love ya!