Good Morning Heartache....

When I was about 14 my mother gave me a book called "Good Morning Holy Spirit".

It was a Christian book that was aimed to keep believers in tune with God. It encouraged the reader to wake up each morning and greet God, allowing Him to play a role in your life each day.

I still try to do that.

Recently, I realized that another part of my life that I can certainly do without is heartache.

Getting married and going through the motions of a divorce gives way to feelings that are far from pleasant. It's stressful, it's emotionally draining and it hurts like the dickens. With all of these aches and pains I still press on with my decision to end my marriage. My husband understands.

For the first time last night, I poured my heart out to him, sobbed and expressed my pain. I told him that I loved him, but I could never be with him again. I admitted that I don't know how to be his wife. I admitted that I am petrified of being a single parent to two girls. I mourned the death of our marriage with him. For the first time, he admitted his faults, admitted his selfishness and stupidity and told me that I had been a wonderful wife and he is thankful that he had me. He said that he will always love me as well but it changes nothing, and he will sign the divorce papers. ...and with that, we returned to mourn the conclusion of our union. It hurt. Wouldn't any death cause one pain?

And still I am hopeful that one day I can open my heart to another man... but sadly at this time (and understandably so) I don't feel as if I can do it. Even when there is a hint of hope, I somehow manage to be shot back into the reality that me and love don't work out.

When I was younger... I never gave much thought to men. There were guys that I liked however, it was far and few between that I was ever emotionally invested. In fact, once a guy began to show all the signs of falling in love with me I would pack my bags and run for the hills. I never wanted my heart to get tossed in the meatgrinder of love like my mothers had been. So instead of playing the role of my mother, the fantastic, beautiful woman with a broken heart, I embraced the role as I saw it of my father: the heart breaker. I thrived in that role. Many men have come to me over the years and expressed how much they adored me years prior. For one reason or another, I never seemed to notice. Ironically, every man I have ever loved has disappointed me to the point of apprehension and bitterness. I am absolutely petrified to feel anything for anyone and I am more inclined to be disgusted by the notion of a relationship with a man than receptive. Trust me, I have tried. Even after the heartache of my husband, I held out hope and somehow one way or another, I realized the future is bleak. For as far back as I can remember starting with my father each time I have decided to dive into the ocean of love I was left flailing helplessly in the waves of confusion while watching the other person swim safely to shores of certainty.

You don't have to tell me, I know a therapy session is in order.
So, instead of love filling my heart each day I wake up and greet the heartache that looms over me like a dark cloud.

One may find my truth to be depressing, sad, or even negative. However, I have become so used to this reality that I am far more comfortable with dealing with my heartache as it is now rather than test and taunt its power only to encounter a more overwhelming version.

I will conclude my post with a Billie Holliday song that my cousin sang to me about a year ago:

Good morning heartache
You old gloomy sight
Good morning heartache
Thought we said goodbye last night
I turned and tossed until it
seems you have gone
But here you are with the dawn
Wish I forget you, but you're here to stay
It seems I met you
When my love went away
Now everyday I stop
I'm saying to you
Good morning heartache what's new
Stop haunting me now
Can't shake you nohow
Just leave me alone
I've got those Monday blues
Straight to Sunday blues
Good morning heartache
Here we go again
Good morning heartache
You're the one
Who knows me well
Might as well get use to you hanging around
Good morning heartache
Sit down


-end