Thinking Kinky : The Nappy Haired Diva

The tears have long since dried on my cheeks and the salt tinged tracks have contoured my face and have taken the place of the rosiness that was once there I fear that warmth will never come again and send  my spirits soaring I wish I can bottle happiness like the vineyard bottled this wine  that coddles  and finds  me and my mind in a more peaceful state much more sedate no love no hate just breathing children hush now its time for bed mommys trying to clear her head and sip rather than take her life instead hush now phone you cannot ring I am trying not to think of things I need silence from the giants called grief parading through my soul wearing holes in my armor I am tired.  hush now friends I know trouble doesn't last always but I feel like giving up most days and so sometimes my hope for peace strays a ray of light finds its way in and whispers: "fight again" and I follow that flicker I

I have taken enough of your bullshit. I have raised our children without your presence, your interest, or your assistance. I have spared you my woes as I struggle to provide. I have received your excuses and accepted them. I have allowed myself to inconvenienced for the sake of your irresponsibility. I am finished. My only comfort is knowing that if there is a hell you will surely rot in it. Live it up now asshole. Your time will come. 

I have a confession or maybe a lesson but since people are addicted to 'feel good' I'll just call this my blessing. Today I had to decide to provide you with reality. Reality is what i s and not whats expected Reality is what i s and can not be rejected The reality I am about serve you will likely not be accepted easily. In fact you may be insulted, perhaps even revolted by this but I'd be remiss if I didn't kiss your Judas face with this blessing. For years I have cared and loved you despite your flaws, and undeclared wars I have loved you Because of this love others have inherited its benefits greedily consumed with no end to it family with no friend in it receiving but seldom sending it. I have lived my early years as an eager dog craving for a bone and with each one thrown I was content but I have spent recent years demanding a meal a love I can respect with a reciprocity I can feel the wounds you have borrowed into my flesh s

She lay in a bed with less words said than most she was the host of this frantic gathering I stood slathering as much lotion as I could on my thin cracked hands that could not withstand the hospital hand disinfectant in each doorway were a sign that would say to be sure to disinfect your hands to remove germs and I learned to perform the routine obediently each time I came to see my mother. This particular day my sister and I arrived about the same time to hear the doctor inform us of her condition We listened. Each night, my sister and I would try to find a way to make each day easier for our mother while my brother remained distant and frantic She had surgery. She came home. My sister and I alone paid her bills. resentment cast a chill against my heart toward my brother second born to my mother and first removed from coming to her aid he strayed further and further from my good grace as he made boisterus promises that he would replace with inaction

It happened again. I met a wonderful man. He was sweet, kind, affectionate, and sure of what he wanted. He was good. Hearing all of these things may cause one to wonder why is it then that I am not with him. The answer is simple: every good man isn't the man for you. We met online. We hit it off quite quickly. What started off as casual dating turned into a whirlwind romance. Sometimes I wonder if we were both caught up in some sort of romantic fantasy rather than a realistic effort to build something that could last. I hate to downplay how we felt but I suppose its the Curse of a Cynic. "I really like you" evolved into "I love yous" in a matter of months. When I say months I mean two of them, perhaps even less. I loved the way he made me feel. I loved how attentive he was. I loved the comfort we had between us and how easily things flowed. I loved that I could be myself without being penalized. I loved that he made me thank God for giving me hope for lovi