Thinking Kinky : The Nappy Haired Diva

Photo by  Dollar Gill  on  Unsplash Tired of the drama and dysfunction? That's interesting because chances are, you created it and or/facilitated it. Wait! Don't stop reading before I explain: If you're in a lackluster relationship, there was a point that you realized this person wasn't for you. If you didn't decide they weren't for you, then you likely began to ponder if they actually are for you. Sometimes it takes time to be definitive. If you're always in the midst of drama with friends or family, you have to wonder where your participation in the nonsense you're enduring comes in. If you are always in the middle of workplace gossip, you may want to ask yourself why you are aware anyone is gossiping. Even the person playing reporter has a role in your dramatic workplace story. If you're overweight, you had a hand in getting there one way or another. It doesn't matter if you have a medical issue, you can monitor your caloric intake...

"You're so cool, I just can't figure out why you're single!" I hear this sentiment more often than I care to share. While I smile and accept it as a compliment, I also feel a pang of anger within.  I don't know why I'm single.  I can probably take a few guesses. I don't have time to date, or just don't make time. I'm completely open to meeting the man that I can spend my life with but one husband and several relationships later, that guy is looking like he doesn't exist. Today, at my part time job, I met a guy. He's literally the cable guy and he came in to service an apartment. He was pretty flirtatious and I of course served it back to him. That's just in my nature. I don't know how NOT to be flirtatious, especially when my skills are being solicited. I think that eventually giving the cable guy my number wasn't the most professional decision I've ever made but there was no way that I was going to pass up th...

Photo by  Nicholas Bui  on  Unsplash Just typing this post is a ministry of preparation. I don't know how people will receive me. I don't knowwhat people will think. I don't know how I even feel honestly. For years, I have battled depression. I even posted about my journey as a depressed person. For some reason, the medication never seemed to work for long before I was "off". I can't completely describe what "off" feels like other than moments of battling what feels like the onset of a crisis or feeling my mood shift despite taking a drug that was intended to stabilize it. I wasn't always depressed while on anti-depressants but I wasn't always well either. I've always held a job. Being the sole provider for my household, holding a job has been a non-negotiable necessity. The issue? I never held a job for more than five years. Five years was the cap for me. I had something called the 3-year-itch. No matter what the position, or the c...

One Day I Woke Up And Loved Myself Love is something that I knew how to give but had to learn to receive. Though my love language is words of affirmation, it was far easier to accept a "good job" than an "I love you". I realized that rejecting the possibility of being sincerely loved enabled me to prevent myself from becoming vulnerable. Why become vulnerable when you don't trust anyone to love you?  This wayward method of suppressing my emotions went on for years and manifested into many dysfunctional relationships and self-sabotage. As time passed on I had to come to a point where I accepted myself without scrutiny. Yes, I have chicken legs, and yes my stomach has stretch marks that mar my abdomen with the war scars of motherhood. Yes, I have circles under my eyes that remind me of the broken promises of sleep I have made over the years. I'm divorced. My memory is about as good as the devil and for every pound I lose I seem to gain two back again...

Photo by  Nicklas Bajema  on  Unsplash I love fashion. Shoes, handbags, skirts, dresses, and everything is pretty much my favorite. Because I have to wear clothing that compliments my body type, I often find myself wearing the same style of clothing in different colors. However, I've found that there are some things that every woman should invest in having in her closet. There is no reason why a woman can't look stunning no matter what she puts on. So satisfy your passion for fashion by purchasing a few different looks that stand the test of time. The Shift Dress . I think that everyone should have one. No matter what your shape, they tend to fall just the right way so long as they are purchased in the proper size. I really like this one. The embroidered detail adds a nice pop to an otherwise simple design. You can find it although shift dresses are sold just about everywhere from Macy*s to TJ Maxx. Look around and find one that suits your taste Try this...

The Richest Soil: A Lesson On Strength  When I turned twenty-one, my life got very serious very quickly. My first daughter was born and I was nursing and craving the chance to flash my ID in a liquor store and actually get alcohol legally for a change (or lets pretend I wanted to taste it for the first time...whatever floats your boat. I'm not adverse to placating a few sticklers). However, the point here is that I was twenty-one and a single mom. This was indeed a predicament I orchestrated, tailored and then stepped into. I will never say that I have no idea how it happened, it was quite the contrary. Being a single mom wasn't easy at all. My boyfriend revealed himself to be a cheating boyfriend (much later, a cheating husband- got to love a man who is consistent). He went off to serve in the US Airforce while I tried my best to figure out what motherhood was all about. During that time, I struggled. I tried to do everything right and it always seemed to turn out wro...

The Top 5 Reasons Why Your Marriage Is Failing You're Cheating. Now you don't have to take this literally. It doesn't mean that you are stepping outside of the relationship to meet your sexual needs. Cheating can be emotional or social. Let me explain: If you're investing your time into everyone and everything else before you invest in your partner (which is synonymous for your marriage), then you are in essence cheating your spouse out of the time and attention that they need. It may seem hard to do but nothing falls out of that category; family, friends, work, kids, etc. Your spouse should trump all of those things. If you are putting your spouse first, they will give you the balance and support you need to tend to that work assignment, family gathering, ailing parent, or growing children. So often people put other things ahead and logically justify it however if your spouse is last on your list to address, so is your marriage. Confiding in your friends more ...

Love: Underestimated But Not Overrated  There was a time that my views on love would be best described as jaded at best. The irony in that is when reflecting upon my previous love relationships, I would have to admit that I didn't experience the full potential of what love can truly bring. I was often in torrid love affairs where either I was smitten and they weren't, they were smitten and I wasn't or we were both smitten and tormenting each other with our issues. Realizing this has led me to the conclusion that you can't grow tired of something you never truly experienced and to be bitter about a poor outcome from a poor investment is unfair and foolish. When I was married, my husband would often complain that the person I was with others was a more kind and jovial version of the woman I was when we were alone. I would dismiss his claims with the false assurance that I was only wearing the obligatory mask that all people wear when they interact with outsiders...

So you want to know what's going on with North Korea and the United States but are too afraid to ask because your friends will know that you are a hopelessly uninformed willfully ignorant spaz? No worries friend, I've got your back. Want to hear it? Here it go:  Kim Jong-un's attitude when people tell him NOT to do something. So Kim Jong-un is like from this legacy of badasses, right?! So he's all like " I am the Supreme leader of North Korea" and he will pretty much smoke your @$$ if you're fake. He only messes with people who keep it real. Then he decides he is going to do some bomb testing even though world leaders agreed to cut out the nuclear bomb stuff because who really wins when it comes to that sh*t? But Kim is like "nah, I give no f---'s" I'm bomb testing. You have a problem? Come see me.   So everyone in the US is looking at Don like "Yo, what are you going to do dude?" Don's over there just working his...

Robin Williams didn't commit suicide. Depression murdered him. That's how I view it. I dislike when people say suicide. It's almost as if people immediately discount the significance of the loss because the death was self-inflicted. I can assure you that depression drives people to off themselves. For the sake of being technical, yes killing yourself is suicide but please do this for me: think of a time you were desperate. I don't care if it was to receive attention from that person you were madly in love with or when you stole that money, or told that lie, or took them back. Photo by  Mike Wilson  on  Unsplash It was a moment of desperation. Were you in control? Perhaps. Did it feel like it? No. Welcome to the lives of the depressed. I often feel like a shell that is housing a cloud of sadness within me. I don't get to wear all black and sit in art galleries smoking slim cigarettes discussing dark abstract art. I'm not emo chic. I gain weight and look li...

Photo by  Priscilla Du Preez  on  Unsplash You would think I would have been more creative the second time I tried to die. I wasn't. I was a single mother with a very young toddler and I couldn't figure out how to be a very young twenty-something, a mom, a college drop out, and an adult who was aspiring to build a career instead of just having a job. I was waitressing and my tips weren't enough to make the rent for my studio apartment. My daughter was always at her father's parents home because I was working nearly 53 hours a week. Despite my hard work, I never had enough money. I dropped about 15lbs and everyone was complimenting me but I was starving. I would feed my daughter and pray she would be full so I could eat whatever she left over. I didn't care if it was cold Farina or chewed up and spat out chicken and veggies. I needed to eat and I was broke. Realizing that I was working for my daughter but hardly saw her started to wear on me. It didn't hel...

Charlie Hebdo Cover, Charlie Hebdo  I was having a conversation with someone about Hurricane Harvey and the person I was chatting with blatantly said that they had zero intention of donating to Houston. I was told that Texas has an enormous amount of racism within it, a high number of Trump supporters, and they just will not be donating. After googling my way around the net, I came to find that there are a few others who share this decision albeit for different reasons. The Women's March wanted to focus monies raised for the relief of minority ethnic groups. A co-worker of mine stated that they would rather contribute toward relief efforts for the stranded animals in Texas. I found another article about yet another woman who had more interest in the animals and less interest in Trump Supporters. Is this a choice? Reverse racism? Both? As Americans, it would be ideal to help our fellow man. We often dabble in the affairs of those overseas, however with the political climate a...

Photo by  Ian Espinosa  on  Unsplash I tried to die. I think I was 18 when I had my first crisis. A "crisis" is the term used to describe when the depression has consumed its sufferer to the point of debilitation or suicide. I was 18, and I failed my road test for the second time. For some reason, I felt completely defeated and the most logical solution to escape the pain and hopelessness that consumed me was death. So I took at least 8 ibuprofen and chugged some Trinidadian rum that my mother stowed away for holiday cake making. I drafted a sorrowful letter to my mother, brother, sister and nephew telling them that I loved them, but the pain was far too unbearable to endure for any length of time. I asked God for forgiveness. I placed the letter under my pillow and went to nap only, I wasn't very tired. Had I not taken enough? My sister was a nurse. Maybe I needed to adjust my intake according to my weight. Rummaging through the cupboards, I searched for any OTC p...

I seldom pray these days and some of you may say that my lack of prayer is likely the cause of some of my issues. That may or may not be true but today I am an angry woman. I just realized that I blew almost two frikkin years on a man that wasn't worthy of my time. As much as I would like to blame him for giving me a false sense of hope (don't get me going on my thoughts on hope. I'm not too fond of keeping that crap alive at all), I blame myself for foolishly volunteering my time, emotion and energy to a complete jackass.. FOR TWO FRIGGIN YEARS! Now I'm not one to dwell on mistakes. I believe we should take the lessons from them, apply them to the future and move on but its hard to do that when you can't stop thinking about what a son of a b-tch your ex is and what a jackass you were for enduring the b-tch@ssness buffet they served you for an entire relationship. My friends knew he was a jerk. I just thought he was an aspiring good guy with deep rooted jerk issue...

Today at work, a man was leaving the building and told me "stay beautiful". Usually, when a man says that I assume he is giving me a compliment but today I took it another way. After a break up, a break down, and a build up in progress, "stay beautiful" means so much more to me. A bad romance can kill your confidence. Weight gain can kill your self esteem. Working long hours can kill your social life. Here I was, a complete mess. I felt  ugly and if my outside reflected what I felt within, I looked ugly too. Then, he told me to stay beautiful and it all suddenly made sense. Staying beautiful isn't just a compliment a man or woman casually tosses your way. It's an action. Staying power isn't easy. We often see celebrities, whose foundation of fame and fortune often started off with a "look" long before it ended with talent (if at all). That's when the plastic surgery commences. We see the nips and tucks and eventually the disfigured faces...

I didn't know I was a side chick. It all kind of just, well happened. I have pointed many a finger at women who were Mistresses by choice and called them all sorts of terrible names to shame them for aiding a man in infidelity. Then I became the mistress. What was the lesson? Well when someone says they are separated, it means they are married. I wasn't your typical Mistress. I wasn't a spoiled chick with  my own credit card and exotic weekend trips. Nope, I was just relief. I was a welcomed change to a troubled marriage.  photo courtesy of www.xclusivetouch.co.uk He was separated. He had been separated from her for 4 years, had no interest in reconciliation, and was interested in me. My red flag started to rise a bit when he said 4 years. Who is separated for 4 years? Why not divorce? Did she up and move to another country? What the hell? He said that they just never bothered to but he needs to get around to it (ya think?!). Time went on and I got more and more...

photo courtesy of www.pinterest.com I've had a few people tell me they love me. Some would say they were in love and others would say that they just loved me. Sometimes, I could happily respond with my own profession of adoration and other times I have to smile and say "well I can't wait to love you too." I mean, what are you to say when someone verbalizes the ultimate emotion for you and you don't feel the same? Recently I met a guy. I even blogged about him before commenting on how he is a flaky guy and I have no idea where things will end up. Well this guy said he loves me. It's funny because I was happy to respond with the same sentiment. Then the bull$@#% started. This man has the motivation of a sloth on Mary Jane..with a bum knee...and arthritis. You get the point. So when you both love each other, it's nothing but smooth sailing, right? WRONG. Sure, every couple will experience tribulation within a relationship. However, when you have the l...