Thinking Kinky : The Nappy Haired Diva

When started dating after separation, I did it in phases. The first phase was catch up. I wanted to catch up with every man I had a spark with to explore where it would have went had I not gotten married. Once I realized that these "what if's" were really "don't bother's" I moved on to try to find "the one." After several failed attempts and false starts with "the one" I began making rules. I didn't always know what I liked but I was certain after several failed relationships of what I didnt. However, now that I look back, I realize that plenty of the red flags that made me run were almost always a shared similarity with my ex. If a man said he was interested in anything my ex was interested in, I began to feel uneasy and delve deeper for more "flags". I'll even admit that if a man were from the same country or continent as my ex, I would get turned off. I now know that I was suffering from PTRD (Post Traumatic Re...

I have always had a slew of male friends. It not that I didn't have my fair share of female friends as well its just that I always had male friends that I was always able to confide in, spend time with, as well as serve as a confidante for them as many of them have done served the same role in my life. I've noticed that a few of my males friends seem to utilize me as a substitute girlfriend. They don't desire to be in a relationship with me however they expect me to fill in the voids of their relationships. For some reason, this doesn't sit well with me at all. I have had this occur within at least three friendships and I can say with certainty that I will be putting an end to it today. Take a look at the cases in point: Kevin: Kevin and I were speaking and emailing each other daily. He gave me hope of actually embarking upon a relationship after my separation. We finally came to the conclusion that my marriage was an issue for him. He didn't want to be involved...

I have finally come to the conclusion that I am quite dysfunctional. My knack for getting into volatile relationships is best described as uncanny. I can NOT look for a dysfunctional relationship and land myself into one. I have done some serious finger pointing in the past, but this time I am going to point the finger at myself. I must be a wreck because all I see is calamity when it comes to my love life. I am still working toward a divorce, I am still plagued by a strange relationship with my mother,and I recently ended a highly volatile summer love affair. I can honestly tell you that I had no idea that any of these relationships were dysfunctional until I happened to glance across the room and saw my mind lying haphazardly across the floor. This was actually somewhat comforting since I didn't need to actually search for it. I suppose all wasn't completely lost. Either way, for the past year I've been frantically collecting myself and trying to recover (and regroup)....

What I hate about you is that you are always right, even when you are absolutely wrong. I hate that the most simplest of things become complex for no reason when it comes to you and me. I hate that I have to bask in the peace between us with the ever-present anticipation of the war that will come soon after. I hate that you manipulate me into loving you only to take and give yours without a moments notice. I hate that you make me pay for everyone else's mistakes and wrong doings. I hate that you love me phenomenally one moment and hate me with a passion of equal intensity the next. I hate that I have to forgive your transgressions and I am steadily paying for my own instead of being forgiven. I hate that whenever we are happy we are so very happy and whenever we are angry, its enough to make me wish I didn't get deceived by our happier times. I hate that there is no expressing myself to you because you close every door, and put up every wall each and every time you feel slight...