Thinking Kinky : The Nappy Haired Diva

Photo by  Ian Espinosa  on  Unsplash I tried to die. I think I was 18 when I had my first crisis. A "crisis" is the term used to describe when the depression has consumed its sufferer to the point of debilitation or suicide. I was 18, and I failed my road test for the second time. For some reason, I felt completely defeated and the most logical solution to escape the pain and hopelessness that consumed me was death. So I took at least 8 ibuprofen and chugged some Trinidadian rum that my mother stowed away for holiday cake making. I drafted a sorrowful letter to my mother, brother, sister and nephew telling them that I loved them, but the pain was far too unbearable to endure for any length of time. I asked God for forgiveness. I placed the letter under my pillow and went to nap only, I wasn't very tired. Had I not taken enough? My sister was a nurse. Maybe I needed to adjust my intake according to my weight. Rummaging through the cupboards, I searched for any OTC p...

photo courtesy of www.pinterest.com I've had a few people tell me they love me. Some would say they were in love and others would say that they just loved me. Sometimes, I could happily respond with my own profession of adoration and other times I have to smile and say "well I can't wait to love you too." I mean, what are you to say when someone verbalizes the ultimate emotion for you and you don't feel the same? Recently I met a guy. I even blogged about him before commenting on how he is a flaky guy and I have no idea where things will end up. Well this guy said he loves me. It's funny because I was happy to respond with the same sentiment. Then the bull$@#% started. This man has the motivation of a sloth on Mary Jane..with a bum knee...and arthritis. You get the point. So when you both love each other, it's nothing but smooth sailing, right? WRONG. Sure, every couple will experience tribulation within a relationship. However, when you have the l...

I decided last night that I wasn't going to eat anything. I came to work and had a cappuccino. That was just to cure the after effects of insomnia which is fatigue. After the caffeine crash, I moved on to a kale, peach, and mango smoothie. I was full until I took a tinkle. Now it's 1:27, my job has no filtered or bottled water and I have no idea how to curb my appetite. My stomach is churning with hunger and I don't want to eat anything. I want to be "clean" I feel like any food is a "hit". Anything can send me over the moon and crave something else. I should have  caesar salad but then I will want a slice of garlic bread. The garlic bread will make me crave pasta... and this is how I fight a losing battle. The hunger though... it's there. I like feeling my stomach rumble. I like my body to know what this really feels like because truth is, I seldom ever feel it. I keep my stomach full like a rich man keeps his account lined with money. Maybe I sho...

I think the best way to start this off is to give you an understanding of my relationship with food. First, we have a relationship. That should say something. The healthy person eats to live, and I live to eat. photo courtesy of www.grandparents.com I'm not sure how it all started honestly. My memory only goes back to about age 4 and at that time, I wasn't conscious of much of anything. I didn't think about my body. I hadn't compared it to anyone else. I was just as clueless about food. I never thought of eating too much or too little. I don't recall being hungry at that age. I just remember being fed. I was a picky eater. Cold cuts made me nauseous. A hot egg sandwich could be ingested but if you tossed a hot drink in the mix (like tea or cocoa), I was tossing cookies. If my dinner had too many ingredients, I picked around it. My mom was always one green pepper or onion slice away from ruining my meal. The only thing I ate to the last drop without fail was pi...

She Says: He used to be so romantic, he would give me candle light dinners I was amused by his antics, I thought I found a winner. Now all he does is park his ass on the couch and when I ask him what's wrong he says he doesnt know what I'm talking about. He doesnt talk to me, he doesnt take me out then he wants to sleep with me when he retires from his couch he's hardly ever home and when he is here? he makes me feel like I forced him to be, and it just isn't fair. He Says: She used to laugh at all my silly jokes then she brought all of our problems to her girlfriends and folks. now feel like a stranger in my own house so I take my place quietly on the living room couch. I try to step away from my man made island but when I try to sleep with her, she makes me feel guilty for trying she says that the way I treat her is so unfair but if she doesnt want me with her, then why am I here? She Says: I used to try talk to him, but he didn't want to l...