Thinking Kinky : The Nappy Haired Diva

Luckily, I have only had one relationship with a cheater (to my knowledge). After the first confession, the devestation, the tears, and finallly the reconciliation I managed to tolerate my mans cheating ways for almost ten years. The expense of my committment was insecurity and chronic invasion of his privacy. I was a cell phone checking, caller ID scrolling, email hacking wife. It finally got to the point that my husband at the time wondered aloud why I loved to hurt my own feelings by digging for his dirt. "You will always find something." He would say. Later, I wonder the same thing. Did I really need to confirm what I had already knew? Apparently so. Why did I have this need? I recall feeling so stealth and slick when I was hacking into his email accounts and tracking his browsing history. However, by the end of my digging, all I found was heartache and betrayal. What I realized was that I didn't need the confirmation. However, I wanted it so badly because I want

When I heard that K-Ci and Jo-Jo were coming out with a reality show documenting their experience going through rehab, I was excited. The first thing I wanted to know was which one was K-Ci and which one was Jo-Jo (yes, it has been that long since I have seen let alone heard of them since highschool). I always loved Jodeci and when the two lead singers of the group branched off and made a few ballads I looked forward to hearing more, but more never came. Years passed by and I continued to play their hits and came to terms with the fact that this group was never going to reunite and the two brothers whose vocals lead the group to super stardom with were coked up and out for the count. Enter K-Ci and Jo-Jo: Coming Clean. I figured they were going to finally boot the snow blizzard that packed their nostrils. WRONG. They are kicking the alcohol habit. They claim that there was never a drug problem. We all have heard otherwise, but they insist. If moscato can turn me into what these t

I was born in the 80's. So being an 80's baby I am a total lover of 90's music. Anything from the late 80's to the late 90's is my kind of music. Growing up, one of my favorite girl groups was Salt and Peppa. Their career spanned into the 90's and they came out with a song called "Whatta Man" (please don't ask me why they spelled it this way. It was the early 90's for Pete's sake... it was a world of bamboo earring and asymetrical hair do's). In this song the women are raving about the men that drive them wild. These men are honored for various reasons. In one verse, a man is praised for being a ho on the down low and being so engaging and silly that he makes his woman want to birth his children... this translates much better in lyric form. Another verse praises a man for a beautiful body and a face to go with it. He gives his woman gifts and is very intelligent.... getting warmer. The other two verses pretty much sum up a man that k

If I had the money...If I had a job...If I had a degree...If I were married...If I was feeling well... If you would have told me...If I never met him...If I never met her... If you listened to me... I hate the word 'if". If is normally the prelude to an excuse. Nothing becomes of 'ifs'. Stop using the word. As a matter of fact, just drop the "f". Start using the word "I" instead. When you use the word I, you are now holding yourself accountable and hopefully making affirmations instead of excuses. I have the money, I have a job, I have a degree, I am married, I feel better, I told you, I met him, I met her, I listen to you.... Doesn't that sound better? A persons word is very important to me. When the only word I keep hearing is "if", all other words just don't seem as important anymore. So if you are a person that makes a ton of exscuses... when I shut you down and hurt your feelings... ask me IF I care.

Being a native New Yorker, I can appreciate a good Jamaican Beef Patty with soft sweet cocoa bread. In fact, I have spent the majority of my eleven years in Maryland searching for a Patty that was comparable to the ones I savored back home. [Enter Patty Boom Boom]. My life changed tonight. While walking down the U Street Corridor (Washington DC), I walked into a lounge that I have been to once before known as Patty Boom Boom. They play old and new skool Reggae music upstairs and serve drinks that make me feel like I am on an island letting my hips sway and jamming the night away (this feeling only intensifies after the first two drinks... beware: the drinks are sweet, but strong!). Since I was working my night shift and had no time for dancing, I stopped in for a beef patty. I had seen the pattys before, but never bothered to try one. BIG MISTAKE. I asked the cashier what to order and a goat and guava patty was recommended. GOAT AND GUAVA? Me being the dedicated foodie I am, I had t

My mom raised three kids on her own. My close friend Sandra's* mom raised two kids on her own. My friend Lana* is a product of a married household. Let me tell you some more facts: I am now a single mom raising two kids on my own. My sister is a single mother raising two kids. Sandra is a single mom raising three kids on her own. Lana is married, with two children and more often than not, a stay at home mom. Lets take a look closer: My husband has always told me that I was destined to be a single mother. It is his belief that I didn't put in the effort required to keep our marriage afloat because I was far too receptive to being a single mother since that was the type of household that I came from. This may be true. I have no idea what a working marriage looks like since I wasn't the product of one. One of my brothers who grew up with my rolling stone of a father informed me that many of the flaws my husband had were the same flaws our father had. I found this to

Today, I am fighting the urge to consume everything in my path. My eating habits are unhealthy a lot of the time, healthy some of the time, and emotionally driven all the time. If I am feeling good, I eat clean. I have salads, I have lean protein, I work out, I live the lifestyle of someone who wants to live past 70. When I am feeling bad... its another story. I eat DIRTY. I have cupcakes, gummy bears, sunflower seeds, Mr. Goodbars, Kit Kats, and pizza. I will order a medium pizza and devour it with buffalo wings and bleu cheese faster than you can say "don't do it". Some years ago, I was diagnosed with MDD (Major Depressive Disorder). I am not one of the folks who don't believe in psychiatric evaluation. I know first hand that depression is a very real and very dangerous thing that has inflicted me for many years but has become more prevalent with age. I believe this is because the older you get the more problems you have. Since I am in an age range where one is norm

About five years ago I was as thin as I had ever been. I may have been either as thin as I was in HS. Its possible I was even smaller since I worked out five days a week and could bounce a quarter clear off my quads...(in my italian mobster voice: eh shad ahp and let me relish in my glory days, will ya?!). So, I was thin and I felt great. Then I looked so good that I ended up getting pregnant and was back to being overweight, and a card carrying member of the big girls club. Here I am four years later and I struggle with the same 15 pounds that I have left to lose. This is no fun at all. However, I will say that I am making leaps and bounds in other area's of my life. I am growing wiser each day and doing things that make me happy and doing without what doesn't. Recently I received news of something that is going to close a chapter of my life that at one point seemed endless. After some thought I realized that I will never be through with that part of my life for many years du

It's easiest to move on when you realize the only thing that is holding you back was the very thing you are holding on to. Let go of the anchors in your life and set sail.

I was watching Discovery Channel... or maybe it was Animal Planet, either way it was one of those informative channels that ends up educating you without making you want to stab yourself in the neck with a dull pencil. They were documenting some eagles who were having a tough time getting a meal out of the turtles that were in their habitat. They couldn't figure out for the life of them (no pun intended) how to penetrate the turtles shells to get to the meat. After some time, the eagles began to actually pick up the turtles and fly very high into the air and actually drop the turtle in mid-air sending it crashing to the ground hence opening up its shell. Then, the eagle would devour the turtle. So, despite the shell that the turtle has to protect it from its predators, one predator eventually figured out a way to get around the defense. Whats the lesson in this? If you are a turtle, and you build a perfect little world that only exists inside of the comfort of your shell, it

I could only imagine what it would be like to return that boyfriend of girlfriend that was a dud and exchange them for their much smarter, much sweeter and much more intelligent friend. Usually it just never ends up that way. You have already chose the dud and you cant go back and change anything because most times the friend won't betray their friendship with the dud by going out with you. I would love to go back in time and choose "The Other One." "The Other One" is that guy or girl that you were contemplating before you chose "The Mistake". I need not explain who "The Mistake" is. You may still be involved with "The Mistake". You may be rolling over in bed at night and staring at "The Mistake" with disgruntled loathing. Or maybe you are having sex with "The Mistake" and imaging it to be with "The Other One". Whatever the case may be, you need to figure out if it is worth the difficulty and displea

When it comes to relationships and choosing the right person for you, you should never compromise. Get what you want the first time and every time after that.... The Bus Driver I remember meeting a guy on the bus after a messy break up with my baby's daddy. He was actually driving the bus and he wasn't my type but I was more interested in how he was going to treat me. We went to the movies for our first date because I didn't want to feel the pressure of having to speak with him. He was late in meeting me at the designated spot that we had agreed to, which was turn off number one. When I finally met up with him it was quite disappointing to see him standing up. He had on a triple extra large graphic t-shirt that reached just about three inches above his knees. His pot belly was protruding out of his shirt as if he were five months pregnant. His jeans weren't quite tight, but they weren't baggy either. He wore the same boots that were a part of his uniform to d

This is a true story of a teenage dating experience that I documented several years ago. I have several, and this will be the first of many. If you have ever had an awful date, I am sure you will appreciate my sad encounter with a fool named Briante. I was sixteen and working at the family catering company. We were setting up for a function and this guy decided that he wanted to get to know me. I sized him up and he looked like a herb. He had orange timberland boots and orange contact lenses (you read that correctly) and an orange t-shirt with dark blue jeans. I thought the contacts were way over the top, but I wasn't going to break on dude just because he was a walking carrot. So we exchanged numbers, and made arrangements to talk soon after. His name was Briante. When he called me, I say "Hey Briante" and he corrects me and tells me his name is pronounced Bri-ahn-tay. This was the second sign that this guy was going nowhere fast. He was older than me so I thought he mig

There are plenty of songs out there for the secret admirer who croons longingly how much they would go out of the way to please that special someone. Most times the lyrics are pretty juicy and you walk away pitying the person who has not one clue as to how much good would come to them if they discovered the person admiring them and gave them an opportunity to fulfill all of their promises. Last weekend I was listening to the song "If" by Janet Jackson with my sister and we were cackling over the lyrics. Here the gorgeous Janet Jackson is singing about all of the naughty things she would do to this man who has no idea at all. After listening to that song, I thought of Prince, how years earlier made his own song for the secret admirer called "If I Was Your Girlfriend". Later in the week, my soon to be ex husband came over to see our kids and when it came time to leave, his girlfriend picked him up. This was news to me. I had no clue that he had a girlfriend seeing tha

Here is an old rant from another blog I had about 5 years ago: Whats In a Hymen? I read in the paper last week, that some women are seeking to have their hymens repaired so that their husbands to be would believe that they are virgins. okay, maybe in a culture where women expected to be virgins and if they arent they are stoned to death, or forced into brothels or something...but AMERICA? Then again, what the heck is so great about America? The bottom line is, we as women are so compelled to satisfy men that we are willing to surgically reinvent hymens. Absurd is putting it mildly. Outrageous is more I like it. So, where are all these men who are breaking hymens and running off to marry preserved virgins with hymens in tact, and ready to be broken? Regardless of where you are from, its the same mentality. Americans are no different and no less oppressed when most American women either: a) broke their hymen in a drunken stupor b) broke their hymen with a guy who's last name isnt ev

Some of you may know that I quit my job to go back to school and pursue my dream goals of writing and launching my natural hair styling business. I have been greeted with a varied response toward my decision, however I just refuse to allow any of them to deter me from pressing on and pushing forward, regardless of how grueling it may become. I wanted to share with you the site that I am still working on but have no choice but to post if I want to start generating some business: Kinks Natural Hair Styling (there it is, my shameless PR attempt). While it (much like myself) is a work in progress, I am very proud of my efforts. So please do pass the word along if you know of any one who is interested in getting a snazzy do at an affordable price. Now, in reference to R. Kelly...his debut single after going solo was a song called Bump and Grind. He starts off belting loudly that he doesn't see anything wrong with a little bump and grind. Although he was singing about nookie, he wailed

I have plenty of people that I am friendly with, but seldom do I claim people as friends. It took me many years to come this conclusion. I would become friends with someone only to find out that our interaction didn't quite qualify as friendship. Now that I have learned how to make friends, I am so very happy that I have been fortunate to have the friends that I do. However, there are the few that proclaim to be your friend and aren't truly your friend at all. So I wanted to create a list of the types of "friends" you may run into because I have that much time on my hands today. 1) The Too Cool For School Friend: This friend calls you when the mood strikes, hangs out with you if the two of you happen to be within a 2 mile radius of each other at the same time and seldom ever knows whats going on in your life. However, they will always refer to you as a friend in company and in private. You often wonder why you go along with this description of a clearly casual a

When one of my closest girlfriends asked me if I wanted to rent Tyler Perry's 'Why Did I Get Married, Too' and watch it with her, I was totally agreeable to the idea. After all, I have enjoyed many Tyler Perry movies and I thought that WDIGMT would be no different. I do admit that I had grown tired of the Madea series however, I still found his other movies (A Family That Prays, Why Did I Get Married) thought provoking and inspiring so I was more than willing to take a gander. So, I tucked the kiddies into bed and sat back on my couch with a blanket and pressed the order button on my remote control. Seconds later, I as watching WDIGMT. The movie starts off with comedic tone, but quickly becomes overbearing and unrealistic. I shift a bit under my blanket, holding out hope for more substance. Eventually all of the couples from the previous movie reunite and begin their tradition of enjoying a weekend with their spouses and friends to reflect on the titles question; "

This blog is rated R, but if my writing abilites are up to par I may be able to change that to PG 13. I doubt it. Let's stick with the former and not the latter. I want to talk taboo, I want to get a little crude with just enough discretion to keep you reading... I want to talk about Lewinsky's. Its a sad thing when your name becomes synonymous with a sexual act (or perhaps an accomplishment depending on how you look at it). However, most of us will not remember former white house intern Monica Lewinsky for much else but pulling off risque Lewinsky behavior underneath President Clintons desk. So, back to Lewinsky's... When I was a teenager, I remember vowing to my best friend that once I lost my virginity I would do just about anything but allow "that thing" in my mouth. She felt the same. Years later however, I felt compelled to at least give it a few trys and these days, she is a self-proclaimed guru (go figure). Another friend of mine has pretty much kept her

I am going through a period of changes. It seems like everything is changing in my life all at once. I am going back to school, leaving a position that I held for two years, initiating a divorce and learning new life lessons all along the way. Recently I came in contact with an old nemesis...temptation. I met temptation at a young age. At first I didn't know the consequences of dealing with temptation. One early memory was when I was about seven years old. My mother left seven dollars for my siblings and me and told us to order a pizza. I was hungry, I mean really hungry and so I wanted pizza like yesterday. When the pizza came, it was steaming hot and my sister told me to wait for my pizza to cool off because the cheese was piping hot. I sat, staring at the pizza and watching the heat rise from the melted mozzarella cheese... hmmmmmm...mozzarella... pizza...food...and the next thing I knew, I picked up the floppy slice and shoveled it carelessly into my mouth. Almost immediately,

I have been through a lot. When it comes to relationships I was chewed up, spit out, spit on and chewed up again just for good measure. While all of these experiences should have broken my spirit, in many ways I feel stronger than ever. My heart is still on reserve for the right man (definition to be explained upon his arrival) but I am still finding the will and strength to be open-minded when it comes to men. Funny enough however, I have found that the less I pay attention to men the more they pay attention to me... I have to repeat that sentence for emphasis: The less I pay attention to men, the more thy pay attention to me. I don't know why that is and truthfully I don't care. The bottom line is that I am so focused on my life, and what I feel I need to accomplish within it that the relationship I thought I longed for is no longer a priority. It's an option I am receptive to. So this post is for the ladies...don't go chasing every guy who seems like the complete opp

Inside:To say that I feel high around you is dumbing it down it's more likeI feel consciously sedated, in 'twilight sleep' And I keep wondering when my body is going to get tired of keeping up with my mind as I go on this joyride with you You make me feel like Dorothy in Kansas, Your mental advances sweep me off my 8 1/2's with love, peace and laughs You employ my heart with a joy that has long been understaffed You're easy like nature and free like memories You ease my apprehension with discipleship and good intentions Not to mention you're just Fly The SkyGuy that caught my eye just one year shy of 15 Your stare was mean while you leaned up against the car chatting with your boys But the lady stayed poised because I enjoyed the attention and so began the invention of 'us' And I trust it. And so we descended down a concrete hill to fulfill innocent passions And in teenage fashion came a kiss Wet and long lasting And was followed by you asking when we wo

Trust must be earned Love must be returned Im a moth to a flame that always gets burned love sick til my stomach churns when will I learn? my rules were straight and narrow but the moment you got it slanted my feelings were exploited and you took my love for granted years and years of having the blues time to leave now your love's old news.

When I was about 14 my mother gave me a book called "Good Morning Holy Spirit". It was a Christian book that was aimed to keep believers in tune with God. It encouraged the reader to wake up each morning and greet God, allowing Him to play a role in your life each day. I still try to do that. Recently, I realized that another part of my life that I can certainly do without is heartache. Getting married and going through the motions of a divorce gives way to feelings that are far from pleasant. It's stressful, it's emotionally draining and it hurts like the dickens. With all of these aches and pains I still press on with my decision to end my marriage. My husband understands. For the first time last night, I poured my heart out to him, sobbed and expressed my pain. I told him that I loved him, but I could never be with him again. I admitted that I don't know how to be his wife. I admitted that I am petrified of being a single parent to two girls. I mourn

Usually I like to do the whole "thought provoking approach" when it comes to my blog entries but today, today is nitty gritty, down and dirty day. So Julia Roberts has another film out... I think its called Eat Pray Love (what kind of title is this?). Anyhow, the scenario is that a woman gets divorced, goes out and lives life. From what I hear, at the end of the movie she finds Mr. Right. (take a moment to absorb this information..... blink a few times.....then scroll down.) WHY? Why does this woman's happy ending have to include her finding a man? Are there not any happy women out there without men? Why do so many movies end with women finding men and then feeling "complete". It sends my inner feminist on a rampage. I know lots of women who were and are quite happy being single. This makes me so annoyed. I want to boycott the movie but I won't just becuase I feel it deserves to be subjected to my own interpretation rather than my ranting on account of someo

Kismet: The will of Allah; destiny. I don't believe in Allah but like muslims I do believe that my God's will triumphs over my own. So often I have heard people tell me that they prayed and God told them the answer to their prayers. When things seem to fall apart leaving only financial and/or emotional debris and confusion, one is left wondering if Gods "message" was lost in translation. So when I married what now seems like the wrong man for me did I hear from God? I thought I was doing the right thing. I even thought that the "signs" were pointing to him. However, it ends up that I was just trying to do the right thing. Did I learn from my failed marriage, absolutely. Could I have done without the pain and drama that came from our union? Definitely. Thing is when I met my soon to be ex-husband, I liked him. We hung out, we had fun, we had a good relationship. He professed his love for me and I decided to fall right there in it with him and we got pregnant

As I sit here blogging in the wee hours of the morning, I am feeling more satisfied at this very moment than I have been almost all day. The reason behind this-simply put is that I am doing something that I have a true passion for. I have been writing since the age of eight. I would scribe a short poem in my composition notebook and my mother would sit patiently as I presented it to her. She always encouraged me. Later, I wrote poems for year books, open mic, but mostly for my own pleasure. Poems turned into reports, short stories, a thesis here and there and unfinished novels. Writing has become an outlet, a talent, and a passionate part of my life. I enjoy sharing my thoughts with others as much as I enjoy creating characters and sharing their lives on paper. Recently, I submitted my resignation from a job that was stressful but met my financial needs. So... lets talk about needs. Needs are something that you can't do without. The body needs water, the forest needs trees, the tr

I had my first kiss when I was fourteen. For some that may be a little late but I was a duckling for a long time before I grew into the bomb shell that I am now (teehee). I had a friend during my childhood that I hung out with all the time after school. Being in her neighborhood allowed me to get to know a lot of the kids that lived there. At that age (8-10), we weren't interested in boys and so there was no reason to socialize with them. So, when my future first kiss was lighting "jumping jack" fireworks in the alley in my girlfriends neightborhood, I had no idea that there would be a fire between us just four years later. Funny how life works that way. Fast forward four years. I was fourteen and not too shabby looking. My mother told me that we were moving and lo and behold, we moved to my girlfriends old neighborhood (she had since moved out of state). I enjoyed living in the neighborhood and I enjoyed the attention I received when all of the guys that I knew when I w

"You are a man-hater!" I have been told this numerous times by an ex. Each time he said it, I would dramatically gasp, bat my lashes, and clutch my chest like a well groomed Southern Belle. How could he say such a thing? Truth is, I knew how. I have a really strong personality. A part of this is because I had no man in my home to keep me in my place as a young woman. So when I became a grown woman, I knew no boundaries. I refused to submit to my husband, and I often berated him as a man and spouse. I expected him to lead, while I constantly grabbed the reigns and expected him to snatch them away from me. Truth is, my dysfuntion is the only way I know how to function. I function according to relationships that have malfunctioned for years. What does this mean? I am infected with disillusion, cloudy conclusions and I've been using and abusing my parent's shortcomings as a crutch to stay in touch with so much bullsh*t that doesn't help me but instead hurts and I f

There once was a man who did what he can if you needed a hand, he'd lend it but there came a day where he had a few expletives to say this is a ballad about Steven Slater the Flight Attendant See Steven was a guy who'd often try to get the passengers seated but there was a lady on board moving on her own accord and her lack of action made poor Stevie quite heated So being committed to his career of six or seven plus years Steven tried to put her in her place but this here lady drove little Steven crazy when her bag knocked him square in the face See Steven after taking a bit of beating realized he's not so tough so he went to the intercom said some words that would shame his mom and basically said he had enough and after his tirade on that plane, he said that he finally quit but not before he opened the emergency door and slid right out of it What made Stevie snap, we'll never know but one thing is certainly clear Ste

I am finished having children. In fact, I blogged about this about... four years ago. If I ever meet a man (are then any out there?) that wants to have children... we will have to part ways because I can't help him. So here is a post from a blog I had four or five years ago: FRIDAY, JUNE 30, 2006 "Baby No-Like" Today, I had yet another near-fainting episode on the train. I figured I needed to eat some food to give me some energy. So, I had three donuts, an everything bagel with eggs and cheese, a tall mug of tea, and a slice of cantaloupe. No later than twenty minutes after my enormous binge, I was writhing in pain. My stomach felt like a man... stink nasty and helpless LOL. Men must hate me. Oh well. Anyway, as I was moaning in agony, all I could imagine was my daughter in utero kicking the heck out of me screaming "baby-no-like, baby-no-like!" It was as if she were punishing me for eating all the garbage I consumed. Sheesh. This is the LAST baby you hear me! m

Have you ever tried to be civil and the other person still acts like a d-bag? Maybe they are obligated by the D-Bag Creed to continue to act like a total jackass until communicated has ended. Either way, such dedication even to be a jerk has got to be admired. What's sad is when the person won't apply that dedication and ambition to things that really matter like work, communication, friendship, marriage, relationships, life in general, goals... you know, the little things *sarcasm*. So, how do we handle the D-Bags? Do we ignore them? Do we grin and bear it? At times we feel like returning each pained encounter with the D-Bag with our own version of D-Bag behavior. Most times we end up more annoyed because our effort to frustrate their D-Bag tactics ends up failing miserably. Normal people just can't go engaging in D-Bag Warfare. It doesn't work. We don't have the stamina or the creativity for it. My advice for all who are dealing with someone who seems to take joy