Today, I am fighting the urge to consume everything in my path.
My eating habits are unhealthy a lot of the time, healthy some of the time, and emotionally driven all the time. If I am feeling good, I eat clean. I have salads, I have lean protein, I work out, I live the lifestyle of someone who wants to live past 70.
When I am feeling bad... its another story. I eat DIRTY. I have cupcakes, gummy bears, sunflower seeds, Mr. Goodbars, Kit Kats, and pizza. I will order a medium pizza and devour it with buffalo wings and bleu cheese faster than you can say "don't do it".
Some years ago, I was diagnosed with MDD (Major Depressive Disorder). I am not one of the folks who don't believe in psychiatric evaluation. I know first hand that depression is a very real and very dangerous thing that has inflicted me for many years but has become more prevalent with age. I believe this is because the older you get the more problems you have. Since I am in an age range where one is normally and "established adult" with a family perhaps, but still too young to be finishing out the grind before retirement I have my share of woes like anyone else.
Regular responsibilities like cleaning the house, cooking dinner, tending to my children, working, and paying bills overwhelm me when I get to a stressful state. First comes the anxiety, then the stress, then the depression...then the binging.
The binging usually starts with Gummy Bears lately. I have a hankering for a specific brand and I know of only one generic brand that tastes suspiciously like the real thing. Anyhow, I start with gummy bears. Then, I move on to sunflower seeds. For me, eating sunflower seeds is quite similar to sucking ones thumb, or biting your nails. I am get cracking and keep my mouth busy, sucking, cracking, chewing and spitting. I can go through an entire jumbo pack of sunflower seeds. This sends my cholesterol SOARING. After I am done with the sunflower seeds...my brain tells me I need comfort food. Most times this is either cake, cupcakes or pizza. At this time I eat until my stomach is distended and consumption is no longer physically possible. It is at this time that I lay on my couch, watch a movie and secretly loathe myself.
I hate myself for eating so much. I hate myself for breaking my healthy diet plan. I hate that gave in to my issues instead of resolving them. After this, I try to make up for my 'mistake' by fasting for numerous days and working out like a fiend. I have fasted for five days, went weeks on 600-1000 calories per day and have lost weight. However, the next crisis causes me to binge and I end up putting on more weight than I lost by the end. This is why I have bounced around the same 20lbs for about 4 years.
Why am I revealing this on a blog? Not for encouragement, but for fellow binge eaters who may read this and be encouraged. Feeling like a failure because I didn't have the guts to force regurgitation after a binge (I have tried with fingers, and a tooth brush to no avail... this was years ago) has left me disappointed with myself. Breaking a fast after only a week made me feel like a fat loser. I don't have the guts and the will power to be an anorexic. Revealing this issue to people and still be a big girl is particularly embarrassing. There is no evidence of my eating habits other than compliments of weight loss one month followed by silence during others when I am looking like a hot air balloon that just won't take flight for some reason.
I know that I am a wonderful person, with many talents, and intelligence, but these things-- these qualities don't make life easier. Life can still suck. Life can still be hard. I do not believe that my life is any more difficult or challenging than anyone else, however there is a flaw in the way I process stress, life and food. For this reason, I wear my woes on my waistline.
You may not be a binger, but if you are...this blogs for you. (pun intended... I can't be serious for too long).
My eating habits are unhealthy a lot of the time, healthy some of the time, and emotionally driven all the time. If I am feeling good, I eat clean. I have salads, I have lean protein, I work out, I live the lifestyle of someone who wants to live past 70.
When I am feeling bad... its another story. I eat DIRTY. I have cupcakes, gummy bears, sunflower seeds, Mr. Goodbars, Kit Kats, and pizza. I will order a medium pizza and devour it with buffalo wings and bleu cheese faster than you can say "don't do it".
Some years ago, I was diagnosed with MDD (Major Depressive Disorder). I am not one of the folks who don't believe in psychiatric evaluation. I know first hand that depression is a very real and very dangerous thing that has inflicted me for many years but has become more prevalent with age. I believe this is because the older you get the more problems you have. Since I am in an age range where one is normally and "established adult" with a family perhaps, but still too young to be finishing out the grind before retirement I have my share of woes like anyone else.
Regular responsibilities like cleaning the house, cooking dinner, tending to my children, working, and paying bills overwhelm me when I get to a stressful state. First comes the anxiety, then the stress, then the depression...then the binging.
The binging usually starts with Gummy Bears lately. I have a hankering for a specific brand and I know of only one generic brand that tastes suspiciously like the real thing. Anyhow, I start with gummy bears. Then, I move on to sunflower seeds. For me, eating sunflower seeds is quite similar to sucking ones thumb, or biting your nails. I am get cracking and keep my mouth busy, sucking, cracking, chewing and spitting. I can go through an entire jumbo pack of sunflower seeds. This sends my cholesterol SOARING. After I am done with the sunflower seeds...my brain tells me I need comfort food. Most times this is either cake, cupcakes or pizza. At this time I eat until my stomach is distended and consumption is no longer physically possible. It is at this time that I lay on my couch, watch a movie and secretly loathe myself.
I hate myself for eating so much. I hate myself for breaking my healthy diet plan. I hate that gave in to my issues instead of resolving them. After this, I try to make up for my 'mistake' by fasting for numerous days and working out like a fiend. I have fasted for five days, went weeks on 600-1000 calories per day and have lost weight. However, the next crisis causes me to binge and I end up putting on more weight than I lost by the end. This is why I have bounced around the same 20lbs for about 4 years.
Why am I revealing this on a blog? Not for encouragement, but for fellow binge eaters who may read this and be encouraged. Feeling like a failure because I didn't have the guts to force regurgitation after a binge (I have tried with fingers, and a tooth brush to no avail... this was years ago) has left me disappointed with myself. Breaking a fast after only a week made me feel like a fat loser. I don't have the guts and the will power to be an anorexic. Revealing this issue to people and still be a big girl is particularly embarrassing. There is no evidence of my eating habits other than compliments of weight loss one month followed by silence during others when I am looking like a hot air balloon that just won't take flight for some reason.
I know that I am a wonderful person, with many talents, and intelligence, but these things-- these qualities don't make life easier. Life can still suck. Life can still be hard. I do not believe that my life is any more difficult or challenging than anyone else, however there is a flaw in the way I process stress, life and food. For this reason, I wear my woes on my waistline.
You may not be a binger, but if you are...this blogs for you. (pun intended... I can't be serious for too long).
ugghhhhhh I'm hungry, miserable and stressed and I would like some pizza or atleast to talk to you to vent :( Alot of this blog sounds like me...I am so unhappy I just want to fall off the face of this earth sometimes.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. I will be eating a patty with coco bread today and I wont be caring about the consequences. I just want to feel better today.
ReplyDeleteTry not to over do it but allow yourself one treat. Limit yourself to one slice of pizza. Even if that means driving to the shop and ordering JUST ONE. Luv ya chicola.
I ate two slices of pizza...I read this after I ate lol. But u know me too well u just knew that I was gonna eat pizza.
ReplyDeleteFriday, I had a whole medium pizza with pepperoni and sausage! And it was good. But then my stomach got pissed and gave me the worst acid reflux and heartburn just to tell me about myself (lol)!
ReplyDelete