My mom raised three kids on her own.My close friend Sandra's* mom raised two kids on her own.
My friend Lana* is a product of a married household.
Let me tell you some more facts:
I am now a single mom raising two kids on my own. My sister is a single mother raising two kids.
Sandra is a single mom raising three kids on her own.
Lana is married, with two children and more often than not, a stay at home mom.
Lets take a look closer:
My husband has always told me that I was destined to be a single mother. It is his belief that I didn't put in the effort required to keep our marriage afloat because I was far too receptive to being a single mother since that was the type of household that I came from. This may be true. I have no idea what a working marriage looks like since I wasn't the product of one. One of my brothers who grew up with my rolling stone of a father informed me that many of the flaws my husband had were the same flaws our father had. I found this to be very interesting. Did I choose my father as a spouse? I didn't think it to be possible since I never really knew my father to begin with. To have inadvertently chosen the man whom I wanted to avoid is as mind boggeling as it is unfortunate. The fact that my sister is also a single mom leads me to believe that there may be some truth in my husbands theory. The formula remains the same: cheating man+woman from a broken home= dysfunctional family. Dysfunctional Family- Cheating Man- Woman From broken home= Single Mom
Now lets take a look at Lana.
Lana comes from a married couple that stayed together through it all! When I say all, I mean... ALL. She married a man that has allowed her to stay at home and raise her kids, decorate her house on a whim as she chooses, and has been with him for at least nine years of marriage (we are not counting the years they were in a relationship either). Sounds great, right? WRONG.
Lana's husband is far from perfect as he too suffers from the "chronic cheating" syndrome. Despite much talk of leaving, a few attempts of separation... at the end of the day, Lana is still married and still with her husband.
What I ponder...
While its easy to say that Lana is complacent and maybe even weak from the outside looking in, perhaps its just the opposite. Perhaps her ability to endure and keep her family together under one roof is due to the example that was set for her when she was growing up.My sister, Sandra and I did not have that example. We just...gave up and moved on...struggling all the while. Or perhaps its the other way around. Growing up watching a strong woman raise any number of children on her own empowers you by knowing that can do the same. With this knowledge, one refuses to tolerate the disrespect and abuse of a cheating spouse and therefore would much rather hold their head high alone, than to lick their wounds for the sake of the union.
Maybe there is no correlation at all, although I find that hard to believe. At the end of the day, there is only one reflection when I look in the mirror which is my own. There is no longer a husband standing beside me. I raise my children alone and they continue to flourish with God's grace. Perhaps history has repeat itself. Perhaps I am single mom because children learn by doing and being a single mom is something my mother did well. Perhaps the odds were against me. I can only hope that my daughters grow to make better decisions than I did. But if it is true that children do as they see and not as they're told its likely that they too will share my fate.
Think about what type of household you came from and what type of household you are running.
Are there similarities, or did you break the mold?
I found this to be very enlightening. I am a single parent of two and grew up in a single parent household where I saw my mother struggle to support us while my father fought alcohol and drug addiction and helped to populate the world with seven children with numerous mothers.
ReplyDeleteI vowed not to be that woman crying because she couldn't make ends meet and because quite possibly, because she was lonely for the comfort of the one who deserted her.
I deliberately chose a man who I viewed was the opposite of my absentee father, who came from a strong two parent, nuclear family. In the end, he was a cheater and initially was lackluster as a father, a poor imitation of his own father whom I admire greatly. Thankfully, in recent years he has transitioned into a reliable co-parent both financially and emotionally, but the end result is the same. My children do not see a male figure residing in the home.
While I really regret the fact that I wasn't able to provide for my children in that regard, what I was able to offer is a loving,nurturing relationship from both of their parents. They see us being friendly toward each other and meeting their needs together, maybe not 50/50, but as close as we can get when we live in different towns and households.
As far as staying in a dysfunctional relationship for the sake of maintaining the family? I think that I'll pass. The fact is that children model what they see. The two cases that you cited I'm assuming were single parent households in which the father was either absentee or inconsistent. That places those children at risk because they have no model for a male figure or think that man are dispensable as they saw their father come and go at his convenience with no repercussions. If two people who have children together are mature adults, then they can agree to put the needs of their children first and the kids stand a chance because they are receiving love and nurturing,albeit in a non-traditional family setting. To stay in a "traditional" family just for the sake of saying that you stayed to keep your family intact is giving a message that I choose not to send.
I do think that I have/had the I am woman hear me roar mentality in that I say that I can do it all by my damn self (with the help of the Lord!),because that's what I saw. But also saw tears, pain and loneliness. I do not want that for myself or my children. I see similarities in my life and that of my mother only in that we do not have our children's father residing in the home. I do have their father as a consistent presence as I demanded that of him or told him to go away and not come back. I took a gamble and I praise God that he stayed.
Wow Tai, I have to admit that your prospective was quite intriguing. Perhaps the end result is the same, but there are quite a few differences. Coming from the home of a single mother who also came from the home of a single mother...I can't help but believe that it is generational.
ReplyDeleteWhat I would be more interesting in finding is the similarities of these men who walk away from their children with little regard to the ways and means in which they are raised. Is it because our "single minded and indpendent mentality" serves as man repellent? I have no idea. I am seriously asking. Women who embrace being taken care of seem to be more susceptible to keeping a man. However, one must also consider the cost. I know of one woman whose husband provides for her and she manages the household and they seem to be quite content. They had an understanding of their roles and enjoyed the arrangment. Now that her kids are older, she went back to school and is taking up cake decorating. She is in her 40's now, however she's very happy with her decision.
This topic runs pretty deep. I'm not so sure one blog will do it!
At the end of the day, I think that my children enjoyed seeing me hug their father or relax with him on the couch, but I know they will also remember the numerous arguments and other things as well. Seeing their mom happy means a lot to them and so it means a lot to me as well.
Okay this is a tricky topic. Let me start off saying that I was raised in a single parent home and I am now a single mom as well. Whats funny is my mom came from a loving home of both parents. As for my situation I feel even though my mom came from the home she did she lost her mother at a very young age and became very over protective of her loved ones especially her children. I don't feel I was taught how to be a wife because she kept my sister and I sheltered in a bubble away from harm or should I say reality. We were dependent on her because she wouldn't allow us to do anything i.e. washing dishes b/c she didn't want us to break what she worked so hard to get or cook in her kitchen b/c she didn't want us to get burned (it was too dangerous...lol). Oh yeah and I didn't learn how to ride a bike til I was 12 cuz that was too dangerous too. Another thing I realized is we were her world and that's great but I honestly feel women need love and not JUST from their children but a GOOD man too, which she didn't do until I was like 14.
ReplyDeleteThe two examples of women you gave are both unhealthy situations for children especially Lana cuz no woman should stay with a man (especially not a cheater) for the sake of the kids. Now I'm not saying I know all the answers but as single moms we have to teach our children to be strong and independent. We also have to be very selective when it comes to the next man we CHOOSE to fall in love with and bring around our children. We need to set positive examples..being with a cheater is just as bad as being lonely and dependent on your children to make up for the love your missing from a partner.
@Sabbie...
ReplyDeleteI do feel that a single parent home is NOT ideal for raising children. I also agree that a dysfunctional marriage isn't any better. What is really interesting is that the women who choose to stay come from married families and the women who are alone are not. There was one thing that you said that really hit home for me.
You said that "being with a cheater is just as bad as being lonely and dependent on your children to make up for the love your missing from a partner. "
WOW! This is indeed very deep and one blog can't hold it all. I am a single mom, but my mom is still with a man who drives her nuts, was a cheater, drug addict and verbal and physical abuser. I suppose I could argue that I broke the generational "curse" so to speak. And at times I saw my mom as weak because she stayed. But the flip side is maybe she was actually strong because she endured in spite of all this. Sometimes I think the glass is half full and sometimes half empty. In my case, I would have been on the six o clock news if I had stayed with my ex husband. I envision lots of fighting and crying if I had stayed. I also cried and fought with myself at the time I was deciding whether to stay or go. Well the lonliness, pain and inner turmoil has passed, but the ex has not changed. Much like my father has not changed. So in spite of the example my mother set by staying through it all, I set my own example by refusing to accept such disrespect.
ReplyDeleteGood point LP. I suppose its important to look at the person years later. if the behavior is the same, perhaps leaving is the best decision. Have you ever thought to ask your mother why she endured after all these years?
ReplyDeleteMy biological father has been in and out of jail all my life. I finally met him and spoke to him when i was 17. He's in jail now we write each other from time to time but we really don't know one another. At the age of 3 my mother met my stepfather and they have been together since 1991. Over the years I feel I was treated as a step child. Not as one of his own children. There were times when he would do for his other children in front of me and never ask me or do anything for me. Times when i needed something for school and everyone else would have everything they needed (supplies, clothing etc) and my mother would still be trying to find someone to help her with me (asking my grandparents for help) so I've always felt like the step child. My mother till this day continues to make excuses for everything he does. Even though i grew up with a father figure in my life we didn't have the daddy/daughter relationship. the older i got the worse our relationship got. I'm 23 now and he's 49 and I cant stand the site of him...deep down inside i think he tired but he really never liked me. and i still resent my mother for choosing him over me all these years,and not making better judgement. I have a daughter and im a single parent and this situation makes me very careful on who i date and become seriuos with because they might just be her step father in the future. I want him to love her as if that was his child and not treat her 2nd best...
ReplyDeletethis was really poignant and I wish I had responded to this sooner. I hope that should I ever find someone that he be capable of treating my children as "our" children. I have only met one man who made me feel like we could seamlessly blend our families together but when we met we were both in vulnerable places and we didnt have what it took to see things through. Now he has since moved out of state and while we both have a mutual love for one another, we will likely never explore it. I refuse to choose a man over my kids. You may want to one day sit your mom down and tell her how you feel. I dont understand the good of having a man around if he doesnt want to fill the role in every aspect.
Delete