Admit It, You're Bitter!

For most, dating isn't easy (see "Dating Game(s) post).

Can I be honest? I have no idea on where to begin!

With each failed relationship, after sulking and licking your wounds one would hope that they have at least learned something from the experience. As much as we invest in these relationships, even after their demise we should hope to take something away from it. Whether that means that you no longer have tolerance for someone who doesn't make you happy, or finally realizing someone who only changes their underwear on special occasions may not be the right person for you... the bottom line is that you have standards.

For me, standards were truly created and defined after navigating the terrain of turbulent relationships. Its not that I hadn't a clue of what I wanted in a partner, its just that a few go-rounds with the wrong person will let you know what you DON'T want in a partner. Negative experiences will often leave me far less receptive to anyone who expresses interest in me. I tend to wait for a "red flag" to present itself. Make no mistake, I don't end my contact with a person before its time. I do however, wait for for the red flag which seems to inevitably rear its ugly head... and then I end it. My so called pessimistic outlook has sparked a rumor. Apparently, I have been labeled as bitter. I still hold to the argument that I am a devout realist.

Thinking back of my many attempts at finding a healthy and meaningful relationship with a man (which has yet to happen ), I feel somewhat justified in my attitude toward dating. Chatting with my girlfriends has allowed me to realize that there are a several great reasons to be bitter errr... annoyed and apprehensive about new relationships.

Here are a few:

The Undefined
These relationships are like a kleenex in the wind. They just blow about with no true direction. Everything can feel great, the both of you seem to be physically, mentally and professionally compatible however there will never be a true definition of the relationship. You will always know that you can continue to see this person, perhaps sleep with this person, chat on the phone, etc. The one thing that you will never know however, is where the relationship is and if there is any potential for it to move past the phase of uncertainty. If you have found yourself caught up in the realm of The Undefined for more than a year, the chances are that you are no longer passing through but you have signed an indefinite lease and will stay there until you break it. The consequence? Most likely a lot of heartbreak, and confusion but there is a silver lining... the possibility of someone who would rather snatch you up than string you along.


The Cheater
We all have run into a cheater. Some of us may have been The Cheater, some of us were cheated on. Whatever the scenario, the saying 'cheaters never prosper' couldn't be further from the truth. Cheaters live a very prosperous life when it comes to relationships. They get the best of both worlds, have their cake and eat it too and most times leave relationships unscathed. Their sociopathic sexual tendencies allow them to sleep with multiple people with little regard for feelings, loyalty or consequence. Anyone who has been through the torturous tango knows first hand that it takes far too much energy to keep up with the moves of the Cheater. It may be hard to do, but if you're just to tired and sore to continue... bow out gracefully. The Cheater, can keep the rose, at least you still have your dignity.

The Abuser
The Abuser isn't necessarily physically abusing you. They are just using you as a doormat. Being a dirt deposit gets old fast for some, and takes longer for others. The abuser will continue to use you to their advantage and will most likely never grow tired of it so long as you allow it. This makes you become "The Enabler". You handle the finances, because The Abuser doesn't make money or squanders it (sometimes both). You clean up because The Abuser can't seem to figure out the complex task of cleaning up after him or herself. You are a part time admin because The Abuser is disorganized and helpless without you. Despite your numerous pleas for The Abuser to make some sort of effort to step up and actually contribute to the relationship, it never seems to happen. Feeling like a victim, you give The Abuser ultimatum after ultimatum and after months of struggling with this person stretch out into years, you finally realize that you being The Enabler are no longer a victim, but a willing volunteer. Hopefully, you take all of the useful skills that the parasitic abuser used to their advantage and apply it to your own desires or at least toward another relationship where it will not only be appreciated, but reciprocated.

The Work Horse
We all can appreciate someone who has and can hold a job. Knowing that someone is stable is key to a successful relationship. However The Work Horse doesn't know when stop working. The Work Horse is never around. The Work Horse will text or email you rather than call because its more time efficient. The Work Horse will also blame all of your financial mishaps on your failure to put in those extra hours. You will find yourself competing with a lap top for time. You will also realize that you can see The Work Horse far more often if you "stop by" his or place of work. The Work Horse may love and adore you, but when you look around and realize that you're always alone... it may be time to clock out of this relationship for good.

The Insecure
Where were you? Who were you with? What time did you get home? Who's XYZ? Who's LMNOP? Why didn't you answer my text? Are you serious about this relationship or not?
These are the questions of The Insecure. If you're The Insecure, you may have had a bout with The Cheater, hence the insecurity. If you've been with The Insecure, chances are they were cheated on or for whatever reason have low self esteem. The Insecure will no doubt test your patience and ability to be honest no matter what. Any answer may be the wrong answer for The Insecure and you will find yourself giving premeditated responses to every question you are asked. Ironcially, The Insecure will have you under MAXIMUM SECURITY. You will not do anything without his or her knowledge. You will have to become predictable in order for them to become comfortable. Spontaneity is not an option. You will go to work, and The Insecure will call you to say good morning (this is to make sure you are indeed at work that day. There will be no days off without his or her knowledge). You will be leaving work and get a text wishing you a safe drive home. You are expected to say thank you. This may be followed by a phone call telling you not to text and drive (also a way of ensuring that you are in fact driving home). Once you get home, The Insecure may be there because they live with you or on their way if they don't. While you may feel like you are in an orange jumpsuit in this relationship, the overbearing nature of The Insecure will have you feeling like you are in a straight jacket in no time. Stop the insanity and break free.

So, relationships are not easy. They are difficult, but they don't have to be. Amidst my rambling I have realized that I failed to mention the last relationship:

Mr./Mrs. RIGHT
You have a connection. There is something about Mr./Mrs. Right that makes you feel at ease.
You both share similar goals and values. You don't agree on everything, but realize and accept that most people don't. Respect, and kind gestures are reciprocated, you never feel as if the relationship is one-sided. He or she has professed their feelings toward you, cares for you and has given you no reason to suspect otherwise. The chemistry is undeniable and even if you have to be a little vocal about your needs, he or she is attentive and tries to put forth an effort to meet them so long they are reasonable. The foundation of the relationship is trust, love, respect and loyalty. The discussion of marriage or a long term relationship is welcomed, not taboo. No matter how busy he or she is, time made for you is time well spent and therefore time is scarified in order to be together. You feel secure, confident and content in your relationship. You can put your duffle bags of past relationship hurts and drama down and move forward. The name is Mr./Mrs. Right, because that's just how everything feels.

I haven't found Mr. Right yet, but I have dismissed the notion that he doesn't exist. While I still look and expect flags from men that I meet, I have to decide when its a deal breaker or not.
In the event that you meet someone and you aren't sure what to look for use this as a reference, it may be helpful!