I grew up in a single parent home. My mother made less than 30k per year and somehow managed to raise three children in the suburbs of Queens, NY. Looking back, I am positive that her accomplishment was no easy feat as I too struggle to raise my own two children on a salary that doesn't permit much room for emergencies or careless spending.
For a time I was living the married life. I had a husband, two daughters, and a home. For much of that time, I carried the financial burden of the entire household while my spouse made numerous efffort's (with varied success) to secure his own employment. I must admit that the reasoning behind his incapability of providing or even contributing to our household was largely due to poor decision making that I was well aware of prior to our union. However upon our separation, he is still struggling and offers the bare minimum of assistance as he has little or nothing to spare in regards to time or money.
When this subject is brought up amongst my friends and even some family members, I often have to meditate to drown out the outraged cries of those who believe that his behavior is unacceptable. I also have to ignore the suggestions of taking him for child support, and making numerous demands of him. While some believe that I am still love struck, foolish or some hybrid of both the fact is that I find it far less stressful to take care of my responsibilities without adding the task of compelling someone else to take care of their own. Principle has now taken the back seat to piece of mind.
Despite the apparent frustration that comes along with my situation, I believe what troubles me more is that my situation has become quite common among my friends and family. I have several friends that have been in relationships with men who are "trying to get on their feet", "made mistakes", "figuring things out", or "getting ready to do big things". Most of these women have found themselves in a position of caring for their partner in hopes that he will someday realize his potential.
Having done this myself, I suppose it all boils down to how risk averse a woman is when it comes to investing in her man. If there is no guarantee for the rate of return, why would one pour hundreds or even thousands of dollars into something that has little or no yield?
I had a brief conversation with a family member who is very dear to me. She was conflicted with the decision of whether or not to leave her boyfriend. He apparently had no job and decided to "hustle" to raise his family. The broad definition of "hustling" can imply many things. He many be doing something as small as selling DVD's on the corner, or slinging drugs in the alley. The extent of his "hustling" was not specified, nor did I care for her to elaborate. Her questions was : Do I stay with him because he is willing to do anything to provide for his family or do I leave him because he is willing to do ANYTHING to provide for his family? This question comes from an accomplished college graduate with a solid career ahead of her.
Another friend of mine confessed that she had allowed two men into her life who had no job, no plan, and no where else to go once she put them out of her house. She also had obtained her degree and was in a management position at a well known facility for education. Again, what is wrong with this picture?
Why is that so many women seem to be pairing up with men who are aiming high, but somehow always seem to miss the mark? Is this a result of poor choices made by these women, or is there a shortage of successful men? There was a time when men were getting all of the positions that women wanted, complete with increased salaries and frequent promotions. Now, half of my successful, and eligible bachelorettes have resigned themselves to internet dating in hopes of landing Mr. Right after far too many bouts with Mr. Oh-So-Wrong. Screening men on the internet seems to eliminate the time wasted when you court in person. The first three dates can quickly be summed up by instant messaging, phone calls and thorough examination of a profile.
Its no secret that men are outnumbered by women (at least in the DC Metropolitan Area). The very reason that many of these men fall short on the success scale is because far too many women are desperate enough to take them with their shortcomings in hopes of molding the man of their dreams; a method that is as unrealistic as it is foolish.
I do believe that men are quite aware of our plight as the one's who are successful have no reservations about flaunting their accomplishments. I can recall several dates where I was sitting across from a man who's personality and physique were the epitome of mediocrity. Early on he would flash a devilish grin as he informed me of the 'big 5'. If you don't know what the big 5 are, its the five qualities that men like to throw at women on the first date to set them apart from the less desirable bunch who are waiting for an investor...errr girlfriend to support them.
The big 5 are: college grad, no kids, never been to jail, employed and living alone.
Sadly, no one should be honored for being employed, or avoiding incarceration. In fact, any adult that isn't mentally or physically disabled should be living on their own. However, there are so many men out there that can't say the same that obtaining the big 5 is a surefire way to impress a discouraged woman who is tired of banking on a man's potential rather than committing to a man whose potential has long been realized.
So is it a lack of ambition on the men's behalf, or looking for love in all the wrong places on the women's behalf? Surely there are a combination of reasons. Your thoughts are appreciated.
For a time I was living the married life. I had a husband, two daughters, and a home. For much of that time, I carried the financial burden of the entire household while my spouse made numerous efffort's (with varied success) to secure his own employment. I must admit that the reasoning behind his incapability of providing or even contributing to our household was largely due to poor decision making that I was well aware of prior to our union. However upon our separation, he is still struggling and offers the bare minimum of assistance as he has little or nothing to spare in regards to time or money.
When this subject is brought up amongst my friends and even some family members, I often have to meditate to drown out the outraged cries of those who believe that his behavior is unacceptable. I also have to ignore the suggestions of taking him for child support, and making numerous demands of him. While some believe that I am still love struck, foolish or some hybrid of both the fact is that I find it far less stressful to take care of my responsibilities without adding the task of compelling someone else to take care of their own. Principle has now taken the back seat to piece of mind.
Despite the apparent frustration that comes along with my situation, I believe what troubles me more is that my situation has become quite common among my friends and family. I have several friends that have been in relationships with men who are "trying to get on their feet", "made mistakes", "figuring things out", or "getting ready to do big things". Most of these women have found themselves in a position of caring for their partner in hopes that he will someday realize his potential.
Having done this myself, I suppose it all boils down to how risk averse a woman is when it comes to investing in her man. If there is no guarantee for the rate of return, why would one pour hundreds or even thousands of dollars into something that has little or no yield?
I had a brief conversation with a family member who is very dear to me. She was conflicted with the decision of whether or not to leave her boyfriend. He apparently had no job and decided to "hustle" to raise his family. The broad definition of "hustling" can imply many things. He many be doing something as small as selling DVD's on the corner, or slinging drugs in the alley. The extent of his "hustling" was not specified, nor did I care for her to elaborate. Her questions was : Do I stay with him because he is willing to do anything to provide for his family or do I leave him because he is willing to do ANYTHING to provide for his family? This question comes from an accomplished college graduate with a solid career ahead of her.
Another friend of mine confessed that she had allowed two men into her life who had no job, no plan, and no where else to go once she put them out of her house. She also had obtained her degree and was in a management position at a well known facility for education. Again, what is wrong with this picture?
Why is that so many women seem to be pairing up with men who are aiming high, but somehow always seem to miss the mark? Is this a result of poor choices made by these women, or is there a shortage of successful men? There was a time when men were getting all of the positions that women wanted, complete with increased salaries and frequent promotions. Now, half of my successful, and eligible bachelorettes have resigned themselves to internet dating in hopes of landing Mr. Right after far too many bouts with Mr. Oh-So-Wrong. Screening men on the internet seems to eliminate the time wasted when you court in person. The first three dates can quickly be summed up by instant messaging, phone calls and thorough examination of a profile.
Its no secret that men are outnumbered by women (at least in the DC Metropolitan Area). The very reason that many of these men fall short on the success scale is because far too many women are desperate enough to take them with their shortcomings in hopes of molding the man of their dreams; a method that is as unrealistic as it is foolish.
I do believe that men are quite aware of our plight as the one's who are successful have no reservations about flaunting their accomplishments. I can recall several dates where I was sitting across from a man who's personality and physique were the epitome of mediocrity. Early on he would flash a devilish grin as he informed me of the 'big 5'. If you don't know what the big 5 are, its the five qualities that men like to throw at women on the first date to set them apart from the less desirable bunch who are waiting for an investor...errr girlfriend to support them.
The big 5 are: college grad, no kids, never been to jail, employed and living alone.
Sadly, no one should be honored for being employed, or avoiding incarceration. In fact, any adult that isn't mentally or physically disabled should be living on their own. However, there are so many men out there that can't say the same that obtaining the big 5 is a surefire way to impress a discouraged woman who is tired of banking on a man's potential rather than committing to a man whose potential has long been realized.
So is it a lack of ambition on the men's behalf, or looking for love in all the wrong places on the women's behalf? Surely there are a combination of reasons. Your thoughts are appreciated.
I think it's both a matter of ambition on both parties. Sometimes people hook up and one partner is extremely ambitious while the other can be complacent. I know a couple like that right now. Then there are couples who are both ambitious and movers but their ways of achieving their goals are different and may conflict. At the end of the day it is still a give and take. It’s about what you can live with and without. Some may say that why live without and why comprise. However, your kidding yourself if you think any relationship doesn’t involve comprising.
ReplyDeleteI do agree. There are some women who invest in their man's potential and feel no sacrifice at all. So I suppose the only reason to address it is if it is a concern. If not, its an accepted part of your relationship.
ReplyDelete