This is a true story of a teenage dating experience that I documented several years ago. I have several, and this will be the first of many. If you have ever had an awful date, I am sure you will appreciate my sad encounter with a fool named Briante.
I was sixteen and working at the family catering company. We were setting up for a function and this guy decided that he wanted to get to know me. I sized him up and he looked like a herb. He had orange timberland boots and orange contact lenses (you read that correctly) and an orange t-shirt with dark blue jeans. I thought the contacts were way over the top, but I wasn't going to break on dude just because he was a walking carrot. So we exchanged numbers, and made arrangements to talk soon after.
His name was Briante. When he called me, I say "Hey Briante" and he corrects me and tells me his name is pronounced Bri-ahn-tay. This was the second sign that this guy was going nowhere fast. He was older than me so I thought he might be more advanced in the dating game. It made it more challenging for me to get the dough, attention, emotion or whatever it was I would decide I wanted.
He came to my house in the dead of summer wearing a sweater, some dark blue jeans and some turned over East Wing shoe boots. He had personality frames on and he still looked like an @$$. My mother peeked out the window to see whom I was going out with and quickly called me back into the house.
"He looks like a duck!" My mother laughed while attempting to whisper. "Oh no, he is ug-lee" she said as she shook her head disdainfully. "why do you want to go out with that ugly boy?" She teased. She meant it when she said that he was ugly but she was teasing me about going out with him. We laughed and laughed at him while he stood outside oblivious. When I finally gained my composure, I walked back downstairs.
He escorted me to his car and it was a hoopty. I got in and he had the drivers seat reclined far back as if we were riding in a Caddy. I stared at him with a clam face on, something I tend to do when I want to laugh and can not find a place to escape to do it. I was making a great effort to show zero expression. I didn't want him to see how much of a joke I thought he was. I also noticed he had hand cuffs on the steering wheel.
"What the hell are those for?" I asked. I made no attempt to hid my disgust.
He smiled. "I like the way they sound when I'm turning the wheel." He said this in the sexiest voice he could muster. I just grunted in response.
On the ride to the theater, he said in his manly mans voice: I didn't want to pull out my piece and have your mom thinking I am a thug." Briante pulled out a thin SILVER chain that must have reached his naval and have a pendant hanging from it the size of a cats paw. The pendant was a crouching tiger with a grimy expression on its face. He was going on and on about it and referencing to that dingy BS as platinum.
When we reached the theater, I crawled out of his ghetto car and slammed the door. Much to my surprise, an overabundance of pennies came cascading out of the a broken pouch on the side of the passenger door. "Oops, I said in a "got to love me" voice. "Did you want these"?
"Not after you scattered them everywhere" He said in an angry tone. I couldn't believe he was so upset over some pennies. So I picked them up. All 74 of them. I didn't want him to go running off and telling people that I stole his money.
When we got to the movie theater he immediately told the cashier that he wanted to see the movie for free because he was an employee at another branch. When asked to show his work ID, he didn't have it. So we held up the line for ten minutes waiting to call hims job and verify his employment in order to get us in for free. I was mortified as Briante had a determined "I-ain't-paying-for-crap" look on his duck face. Finally we were allowed into the theater and Briante walked into the movie house like a peacock. He was so happy that he didn't have to pay. I was disgusted. I hadn't shaken my embarrassment in time to celebrate his triumph.
We sate in our seats and to my relief, he made no attempts to cuddle, snuggle or kiss. We were watching the movie when Briante started wriggling in his seat. "This theater is so small", he said between wriggles, "the one I work in is much bigger". I rolled my eyes. I was clearly exasperated at this point. This dude was starting to really piss me off. I was surprised it took this long. I was starving and he hadn't offered me one bite to eat.
"I got to get something to drink!" he blurted and made a dash for the concession stand.
"What the hell...?" Is all I could say as I thought aloud to myself.
I couldn't believe he didn't even bother to ask me what I wanted. He came back with a courtesy cup of water. I had it at that point. A broke, unattractive, claustrophobic, guy with a wack ride was occupying way too much of my time. I really jerked myself on this one. The boy didn't even want to buy himself something to drink, why the hell was he ever going to buy ME anything?
After h e finished the water in his courtesy cup, he shook the cup as if water would majestically fill it. After about 15 more minutes the cheap jerk drank the ice that melted! You would think that this was the worst of it but it wasn't.
The last straw was when we drove home and I asked if he could make a stop at Burger King. They had a special on one dollar chicken sandwiches. I of course was providing my own money to pay for my sandwich since "Cheap Jerk" was the theme of this date.
I have Briante my dollar and we proceeded through the drive thru. As soon as we rolled up to the window to pay, he claimed he lost my dollar. I knew he was pulling a hustle on me. He just wanted to keep my dollar and let me give him another one to pay for my sandwich! Well I made him count out like sixty of the seventy-four pennies that he made me pick up earlier and combine that with quarters to pay for my sandwich.
At the end of this so-called date, I was dropped off to my door. He asked me for a kiss and I rolled my eyes. "I don't kiss on the first date" (LIE). He called me three months later with an attitude of his own.
"Why can't you call anybody?" He demanded an answer. I couldn't believe this loser.
He must have had two ton balls to be calling me and confronting me like he did.
"Because I didn't want to!" I yelled into the receiver and slammed the phone down.
How could he possibly think that I owed him anything when he put forth absolutely nothing to begin with?
So ends the story of Briante...
I was sixteen and working at the family catering company. We were setting up for a function and this guy decided that he wanted to get to know me. I sized him up and he looked like a herb. He had orange timberland boots and orange contact lenses (you read that correctly) and an orange t-shirt with dark blue jeans. I thought the contacts were way over the top, but I wasn't going to break on dude just because he was a walking carrot. So we exchanged numbers, and made arrangements to talk soon after.
His name was Briante. When he called me, I say "Hey Briante" and he corrects me and tells me his name is pronounced Bri-ahn-tay. This was the second sign that this guy was going nowhere fast. He was older than me so I thought he might be more advanced in the dating game. It made it more challenging for me to get the dough, attention, emotion or whatever it was I would decide I wanted.
He came to my house in the dead of summer wearing a sweater, some dark blue jeans and some turned over East Wing shoe boots. He had personality frames on and he still looked like an @$$. My mother peeked out the window to see whom I was going out with and quickly called me back into the house.
"He looks like a duck!" My mother laughed while attempting to whisper. "Oh no, he is ug-lee" she said as she shook her head disdainfully. "why do you want to go out with that ugly boy?" She teased. She meant it when she said that he was ugly but she was teasing me about going out with him. We laughed and laughed at him while he stood outside oblivious. When I finally gained my composure, I walked back downstairs.
He escorted me to his car and it was a hoopty. I got in and he had the drivers seat reclined far back as if we were riding in a Caddy. I stared at him with a clam face on, something I tend to do when I want to laugh and can not find a place to escape to do it. I was making a great effort to show zero expression. I didn't want him to see how much of a joke I thought he was. I also noticed he had hand cuffs on the steering wheel.
"What the hell are those for?" I asked. I made no attempt to hid my disgust.
He smiled. "I like the way they sound when I'm turning the wheel." He said this in the sexiest voice he could muster. I just grunted in response.
On the ride to the theater, he said in his manly mans voice: I didn't want to pull out my piece and have your mom thinking I am a thug." Briante pulled out a thin SILVER chain that must have reached his naval and have a pendant hanging from it the size of a cats paw. The pendant was a crouching tiger with a grimy expression on its face. He was going on and on about it and referencing to that dingy BS as platinum.
When we reached the theater, I crawled out of his ghetto car and slammed the door. Much to my surprise, an overabundance of pennies came cascading out of the a broken pouch on the side of the passenger door. "Oops, I said in a "got to love me" voice. "Did you want these"?
"Not after you scattered them everywhere" He said in an angry tone. I couldn't believe he was so upset over some pennies. So I picked them up. All 74 of them. I didn't want him to go running off and telling people that I stole his money.
When we got to the movie theater he immediately told the cashier that he wanted to see the movie for free because he was an employee at another branch. When asked to show his work ID, he didn't have it. So we held up the line for ten minutes waiting to call hims job and verify his employment in order to get us in for free. I was mortified as Briante had a determined "I-ain't-paying-for-crap" look on his duck face. Finally we were allowed into the theater and Briante walked into the movie house like a peacock. He was so happy that he didn't have to pay. I was disgusted. I hadn't shaken my embarrassment in time to celebrate his triumph.
We sate in our seats and to my relief, he made no attempts to cuddle, snuggle or kiss. We were watching the movie when Briante started wriggling in his seat. "This theater is so small", he said between wriggles, "the one I work in is much bigger". I rolled my eyes. I was clearly exasperated at this point. This dude was starting to really piss me off. I was surprised it took this long. I was starving and he hadn't offered me one bite to eat.
"I got to get something to drink!" he blurted and made a dash for the concession stand.
"What the hell...?" Is all I could say as I thought aloud to myself.
I couldn't believe he didn't even bother to ask me what I wanted. He came back with a courtesy cup of water. I had it at that point. A broke, unattractive, claustrophobic, guy with a wack ride was occupying way too much of my time. I really jerked myself on this one. The boy didn't even want to buy himself something to drink, why the hell was he ever going to buy ME anything?
After h e finished the water in his courtesy cup, he shook the cup as if water would majestically fill it. After about 15 more minutes the cheap jerk drank the ice that melted! You would think that this was the worst of it but it wasn't.
The last straw was when we drove home and I asked if he could make a stop at Burger King. They had a special on one dollar chicken sandwiches. I of course was providing my own money to pay for my sandwich since "Cheap Jerk" was the theme of this date.
I have Briante my dollar and we proceeded through the drive thru. As soon as we rolled up to the window to pay, he claimed he lost my dollar. I knew he was pulling a hustle on me. He just wanted to keep my dollar and let me give him another one to pay for my sandwich! Well I made him count out like sixty of the seventy-four pennies that he made me pick up earlier and combine that with quarters to pay for my sandwich.
At the end of this so-called date, I was dropped off to my door. He asked me for a kiss and I rolled my eyes. "I don't kiss on the first date" (LIE). He called me three months later with an attitude of his own.
"Why can't you call anybody?" He demanded an answer. I couldn't believe this loser.
He must have had two ton balls to be calling me and confronting me like he did.
"Because I didn't want to!" I yelled into the receiver and slammed the phone down.
How could he possibly think that I owed him anything when he put forth absolutely nothing to begin with?
So ends the story of Briante...
Comments
Post a Comment