I have always had a slew of male friends. It not that I didn't have my fair share of female friends as well its just that I always had male friends that I was always able to confide in, spend time with, as well as serve as a confidante for them as many of them have done served the same role in my life.
I've noticed that a few of my males friends seem to utilize me as a substitute girlfriend. They don't desire to be in a relationship with me however they expect me to fill in the voids of their relationships. For some reason, this doesn't sit well with me at all. I have had this occur within at least three friendships and I can say with certainty that I will be putting an end to it today.
Take a look at the cases in point:
Kevin: Kevin and I were speaking and emailing each other daily. He gave me hope of actually embarking upon a relationship after my separation. We finally came to the conclusion that my marriage was an issue for him. He didn't want to be involved with a woman who wasn't yet "single". I understood and I totally backed off. We still conversed after he got into a relationship. He began however to call me and complain about his girlfriend. He would say he just knew I could make him feel better. He just knew that if I were there, I would make him happy. (What the...?) We spent mornings chatting and hearing him complain about her and flirt with me. Finally, I had to put an end to it. I called him and chopped him. I told him he wasn't a good friend to me because he kept me around as an insurance plan in case he and his girlfriend didn't last and thats not cool. After almost a year of distance, I can now speak to him on a platonic level without feeling like he is using me as back up plan.
Jacob: Jacob and I formed a close friendship in a matter of months. We lived about 5 hours away from each other but we had known each other for years. Soon all of the correspondence called the possibility of us evolving into something more into question. He said that had we lived in the same area, he would have been agreeable to something more, however he doesnt want to have a long distance relationship. He opted instead to be with someone else who is in a very compromising situation. He seldom sees her and is hesitant to consumate the relationship in fear of becoming more attached to a woman who makes good promises that she may or may not be able to deliver. They live within 30 minutes of each other. Due to his situation, he holds himself over by scheduling booty calls. Apparently, I was on his list of hopefuls. I had to decline. I can't get withteh whole "I am in love with her but I'll just screw you instead" scenario.We are still dear friends, but the benefits portion will never happen.
Daniel: He and I used to chat with hopes of becoming romantic. He was still married and not yet ready for a relationship. He spent most of his time venting about the demise of his marriage. I suggested he try again for the sake of his family and he did. It never worked out. He came back guns blazing suggesting we date. We did. He then confessed to following his wife after a Walmart spotting and also admitted to sharing a joint bank account with her that had a substantial amount of funds in it only to have her wipe it out. I couldn't help but feel like a rebound set to soothe his ego after his wife river danced all over it. I had to drop him.
William: Ah William. He was a great friend whenever he didnt have girlfriend. I dedicated an entire blog to his @$$. We were never romantic, we were never dating. We just had a friendship that only thrived when he was keeping himself occupied while out of a relationship. Once he found a new love interest, our movie outings, night time chats, and regular emails would drop to the wayside. Whenever I found found a new love interest, he seemed completetly disinterested and flippant. I suppose he always wanted me to be available to be miserable when he was.
After looking at all of these scenarios I realized:
1.People only do to you what you allow.
2.Sometimes you're not a victim but a volunteer. If you see the signs of being used, walk away.
There is nothing wrong with leaning on a friend when you are going through some things whether that be in your love life, career, family life, etc. The issue is when someone only looks to you when the one they want to look to isn't available. That, would make you a substitute.
When I was in school, I recall the days the teacher was out and the sub would come in and the entire class would act a fool. Even the most studious kids (myself) would get a bit slack and just coast through the day/class. We all knew that the sub would take it, we all knew that most subs just reached a point where they came for a paycheck and had no care to teach anything since the kids always acted like buttheads from the moment they discovered the regular teacher was a no show.
Being the sub in my friendships was no different. I was filling in for the one whom these men respected and they just expected me to collect my pay, that being their time or attention (or "affection") and fill the position temporarily.
"Sub" comes before many words. Subsitute, Sub-par, Submarine, Substandard... just to name a few.
"Sub" means under or below. You can't always be on top, but when it comes to your friends, peers or lovers...make sure that you are at least eye to eye.
I've noticed that a few of my males friends seem to utilize me as a substitute girlfriend. They don't desire to be in a relationship with me however they expect me to fill in the voids of their relationships. For some reason, this doesn't sit well with me at all. I have had this occur within at least three friendships and I can say with certainty that I will be putting an end to it today.
Take a look at the cases in point:
Kevin: Kevin and I were speaking and emailing each other daily. He gave me hope of actually embarking upon a relationship after my separation. We finally came to the conclusion that my marriage was an issue for him. He didn't want to be involved with a woman who wasn't yet "single". I understood and I totally backed off. We still conversed after he got into a relationship. He began however to call me and complain about his girlfriend. He would say he just knew I could make him feel better. He just knew that if I were there, I would make him happy. (What the...?) We spent mornings chatting and hearing him complain about her and flirt with me. Finally, I had to put an end to it. I called him and chopped him. I told him he wasn't a good friend to me because he kept me around as an insurance plan in case he and his girlfriend didn't last and thats not cool. After almost a year of distance, I can now speak to him on a platonic level without feeling like he is using me as back up plan.
Jacob: Jacob and I formed a close friendship in a matter of months. We lived about 5 hours away from each other but we had known each other for years. Soon all of the correspondence called the possibility of us evolving into something more into question. He said that had we lived in the same area, he would have been agreeable to something more, however he doesnt want to have a long distance relationship. He opted instead to be with someone else who is in a very compromising situation. He seldom sees her and is hesitant to consumate the relationship in fear of becoming more attached to a woman who makes good promises that she may or may not be able to deliver. They live within 30 minutes of each other. Due to his situation, he holds himself over by scheduling booty calls. Apparently, I was on his list of hopefuls. I had to decline. I can't get withteh whole "I am in love with her but I'll just screw you instead" scenario.We are still dear friends, but the benefits portion will never happen.
Daniel: He and I used to chat with hopes of becoming romantic. He was still married and not yet ready for a relationship. He spent most of his time venting about the demise of his marriage. I suggested he try again for the sake of his family and he did. It never worked out. He came back guns blazing suggesting we date. We did. He then confessed to following his wife after a Walmart spotting and also admitted to sharing a joint bank account with her that had a substantial amount of funds in it only to have her wipe it out. I couldn't help but feel like a rebound set to soothe his ego after his wife river danced all over it. I had to drop him.
William: Ah William. He was a great friend whenever he didnt have girlfriend. I dedicated an entire blog to his @$$. We were never romantic, we were never dating. We just had a friendship that only thrived when he was keeping himself occupied while out of a relationship. Once he found a new love interest, our movie outings, night time chats, and regular emails would drop to the wayside. Whenever I found found a new love interest, he seemed completetly disinterested and flippant. I suppose he always wanted me to be available to be miserable when he was.
After looking at all of these scenarios I realized:
1.People only do to you what you allow.
2.Sometimes you're not a victim but a volunteer. If you see the signs of being used, walk away.
There is nothing wrong with leaning on a friend when you are going through some things whether that be in your love life, career, family life, etc. The issue is when someone only looks to you when the one they want to look to isn't available. That, would make you a substitute.
When I was in school, I recall the days the teacher was out and the sub would come in and the entire class would act a fool. Even the most studious kids (myself) would get a bit slack and just coast through the day/class. We all knew that the sub would take it, we all knew that most subs just reached a point where they came for a paycheck and had no care to teach anything since the kids always acted like buttheads from the moment they discovered the regular teacher was a no show.
Being the sub in my friendships was no different. I was filling in for the one whom these men respected and they just expected me to collect my pay, that being their time or attention (or "affection") and fill the position temporarily.
"Sub" comes before many words. Subsitute, Sub-par, Submarine, Substandard... just to name a few.
"Sub" means under or below. You can't always be on top, but when it comes to your friends, peers or lovers...make sure that you are at least eye to eye.
Here here.... Been there, done that....
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