Lately I have been reevaluating the meaning of friendship. What is a friend? Is it someone you can count on no matter what? Is it someone who loves you in spite of actually knowing you? Is it someone who encourages you? Is it someone you tell your darkest secrets to?
I still don't have the answer as I believe that everyone holds a different standard as to what constitutes a friendship. For me a friend is someone who you know without a doubt loves you and values you as a person is there to lift you up, as well and smack you with a dose of reality if you are in need of it.
I had a friend once. I met him when I was in a very low place in my life. I was struggling in many ways. Somehow he was able to see my spirit instead of my circumstance and became my friend. We became closer in one year than I had to people I had known for many.
Then, he met someone. Lets just call her Summer. It was one of those whimsical flakey names and whimsical and flakey she was. He disappeared, totally taken up with her...that is until she wasn't all he had hoped for. It was then that he began to vent about the relationship to me and I gave him advice, and encouraged him to move on. He did, quite a few times to be honest. With each venture he had a new story that I would hear sometime when things either starting to heat up or quickly tumbling downhill. I never heard from him when things were good. Our friendship existed when he wanted to tell me he met someone, or he wanted to tell me it was time to meet someone else. It was a pattern of me being this spectacular friend he appreciated and like to speak to and hang with being totally ignored when he was in a relationship. I didn't like it, but I stuck around thinking we had enough substance/history in our frienship to get us over that issue.
Ironically, he never wanted to hear very much about my dating adventures. In fact, the last time I told him I was in a relationship his reply was a one liner: "Good luck with that." It even seemed as if he were tickled when I failed in a relationship. I would get far more feedback then. It almost felt like he was saying "There, there, you love sick fool." I began to believe that my misfortune in love made him happy as if he were competing with me or had a "misery loves company" mentality.
Finally, he met a wonderful woman. I encouraged him. This woman was everything he said he didn't want in many ways however she proved herself to be everything he needed. I even think she managed to thaw that icy heart of his. I continued to root for them but eventually he became more and more distant toward me. He just fell off the face of the earth yet again, so I believed he was in total bliss. Whenever I did correspond with him, he seemed to say otherwise. I let it be.
One day it struck me that I had no idea of what was going on in his life and he likewise had not an inkling of what was going on in mine. He no longer made himself available to continue the friendship we initally had. We made plans to hang out and his schedule conflicted with mine. I realized how I felt toward him when I wasn't even disappointed. I was begining to close myself.
Realizing that I'd never given him a chance to address my concerns/feelings, I decided to email him only to receive a one line response letting me know he got the email, it was valid and he would reply in detail at a later date. A week later, I still haven't heard a word. His lack of a response validated my feelings. We just aren't friends anymore.
This experience made me think of an abacus. When I was in kindergarten I used an abacus to solve math problems. I would slide the wooden beads and calculate my answers. I believe I even used it in first grade. As much as I relied on the abacus, I couldn't tell you the point in time that I stopped using it. All I know is that there came a tme where I didn't need it to solve my math problems anymore. I became advanced.
Sometimes people come in your life and neither of you know it but there is a purpose being served. Both of you may be learning and rely on one another to help solve the toughest of problems. However, there may come a time when you are no longer needed. You are both equally valuable, but just not to one another anymore.
I like to think that my once friend didn't even realize that he discarded me.
He may very well just wake up one day and say : "What ever happened to that abacus?" but I won't be counting on that day to come and he can no longer count on me to be there.
It was fun, glad I could help.
All the best,
-Me
I still don't have the answer as I believe that everyone holds a different standard as to what constitutes a friendship. For me a friend is someone who you know without a doubt loves you and values you as a person is there to lift you up, as well and smack you with a dose of reality if you are in need of it.
I had a friend once. I met him when I was in a very low place in my life. I was struggling in many ways. Somehow he was able to see my spirit instead of my circumstance and became my friend. We became closer in one year than I had to people I had known for many.
Then, he met someone. Lets just call her Summer. It was one of those whimsical flakey names and whimsical and flakey she was. He disappeared, totally taken up with her...that is until she wasn't all he had hoped for. It was then that he began to vent about the relationship to me and I gave him advice, and encouraged him to move on. He did, quite a few times to be honest. With each venture he had a new story that I would hear sometime when things either starting to heat up or quickly tumbling downhill. I never heard from him when things were good. Our friendship existed when he wanted to tell me he met someone, or he wanted to tell me it was time to meet someone else. It was a pattern of me being this spectacular friend he appreciated and like to speak to and hang with being totally ignored when he was in a relationship. I didn't like it, but I stuck around thinking we had enough substance/history in our frienship to get us over that issue.
Ironically, he never wanted to hear very much about my dating adventures. In fact, the last time I told him I was in a relationship his reply was a one liner: "Good luck with that." It even seemed as if he were tickled when I failed in a relationship. I would get far more feedback then. It almost felt like he was saying "There, there, you love sick fool." I began to believe that my misfortune in love made him happy as if he were competing with me or had a "misery loves company" mentality.
Finally, he met a wonderful woman. I encouraged him. This woman was everything he said he didn't want in many ways however she proved herself to be everything he needed. I even think she managed to thaw that icy heart of his. I continued to root for them but eventually he became more and more distant toward me. He just fell off the face of the earth yet again, so I believed he was in total bliss. Whenever I did correspond with him, he seemed to say otherwise. I let it be.
One day it struck me that I had no idea of what was going on in his life and he likewise had not an inkling of what was going on in mine. He no longer made himself available to continue the friendship we initally had. We made plans to hang out and his schedule conflicted with mine. I realized how I felt toward him when I wasn't even disappointed. I was begining to close myself.
Realizing that I'd never given him a chance to address my concerns/feelings, I decided to email him only to receive a one line response letting me know he got the email, it was valid and he would reply in detail at a later date. A week later, I still haven't heard a word. His lack of a response validated my feelings. We just aren't friends anymore.
This experience made me think of an abacus. When I was in kindergarten I used an abacus to solve math problems. I would slide the wooden beads and calculate my answers. I believe I even used it in first grade. As much as I relied on the abacus, I couldn't tell you the point in time that I stopped using it. All I know is that there came a tme where I didn't need it to solve my math problems anymore. I became advanced.
Sometimes people come in your life and neither of you know it but there is a purpose being served. Both of you may be learning and rely on one another to help solve the toughest of problems. However, there may come a time when you are no longer needed. You are both equally valuable, but just not to one another anymore.
I like to think that my once friend didn't even realize that he discarded me.
He may very well just wake up one day and say : "What ever happened to that abacus?" but I won't be counting on that day to come and he can no longer count on me to be there.
It was fun, glad I could help.
All the best,
-Me
As usual, a profound blog. I do believe that people are brought into your life for a variety of reasons. The longevity of the relationship may vary, but it is a beneficial relationship if you were able to take something positive away from it. That abacus helped you to learn to count, similar to how toddlers used to use a walker to help them walk. Eventually, their legs became sturdy and they were able to walk...wobbly, but stronger each time... Sometimes people use others as a crutch... just knowing that they are there in case they fall is a comfort. I think that it's significant that you verbalized your concerns, they were acknowledged...but they were never addressed. They weren't given the time that they deserved and that made you and your feelings insignificant. Friend is not a word that I use freely. It is one that I dole out very stingily actually as very few meet my definition. Trustworthy, loyal, honest, dependable and there for me. Willing to tell me what I need to hear even if I don't want to hear it. There to support me or push me forward when I want to give up...There to share in my accomplishments and offer advice and solace in my defeats... Friends, true friends are rare... I count you as a friend... love ya
ReplyDeleteThanks Tai, I am trying my best not to ponder the reasoning behind the conclusion of the friendship but rather recognize its conclusion. I can speculate until the cows come home but at the end of the day, its done. I was disregarded and discarded but at least I know that at some time I served a purpose. I actually feel better knowing that I once did.
ReplyDeleteI definitely count you as a friend and like you, I no longer use that term freely.