Love : Underestimated But Not Overrated

Love: Underestimated But Not Overrated 

There was a time that my views on love would be best described as jaded at best. The irony in that is when reflecting upon my previous love relationships, I would have to admit that I didn't experience the full potential of what love can truly bring. I was often in torrid love affairs where either I was smitten and they weren't, they were smitten and I wasn't or we were both smitten and tormenting each other with our issues. Realizing this has led me to the conclusion that you can't grow tired of something you never truly experienced and to be bitter about a poor outcome from a poor investment is unfair and foolish.
When I was married, my husband would often complain that the person I was with others was a more kind and jovial version of the woman I was when we were alone. I would dismiss his claims with the false assurance that I was only wearing the obligatory mask that all people wear when they interact with outsiders and the person whom he encountered each day when we were alone was in fact, the real me. This was a lie. He never got the best of me because while I loved him, I hadn't liked him as a person for years, not even the day we were wed. So one would ask, why in the world I opted to marry a man that I didn't even care for as a person? The answer is simple. I allowed love to dominate my decision and logic was almost completely absent. See, I was carrying our second child and I wanted us to be a family. I fell in love with the idea of giving my children the thing I craved as a child. I wanted a father in the house and the decision on whom I did that with was sadly secondary to the desire itself. I loved the idea. I loved my children and I loved him. It made sense, right? Nope.
Fast forward almost a decade after my divorce and I am still in love with my ex-boyfriend of almost 2 years. I meet people, I get excited and then I feel a barrage of emotions for him at the most inopportune times. An arm around my shoulder suddenly feels both foreign and forced. A kiss is enjoyable and then my brain suddenly wonders if I actually want to be kissing this person or am I simply doing this because the person I want to be kissing isn't an option? A few more moments of lip locking and the sub-conscience nagging of the fact that it's indeed the latter causes me to end the experience right away. Failing to do so causes me to take away from the moment by turning the most simple act of kissing into a deliberate task of focusing on whom I'm kissing rather than whom I wish I were kissing. This brings me back to the complaints of my ex-husband. I realize that I didn't give him what he needed emotionally because I showered my ex-boyfriend with it all the time unsolicited.
It let me know that the love that I experienced with my ex is one that I had never felt before. It came with a maturity and authenticity that escaped me in prior relationships.
While it's over now, I revere the experience of organic love. I've developed a newfound respect for it's power. Love made me choose to marry someone that I didn't even like for no other reason than to give my children the thing I loved and pined over; family. Love also made me leave my marriage. My ex-husband needed to go off and live the life he desired which directly conflicted with the life I wanted us to build. I couldn't allow my children to grow up in a household where their mother visibly disliked their father, and their parents regularly disrespected and hurt each other.
As I sit here thinking of the moments, you know the ones you cherish forever like when he held my hand and we walked around the lake and we kissed for the first time and I hadn't been kissed in almost 7 years. Or, the time when he ate fried clams and belched all the way home and the smell assaulted my nostrils and I rolled down the window pointedly expressing my disgust, or the time he lit up when I told him I was his. Those. I think of those moments and compare them to the terrible ones that led to us being apart and can honestly admit that the good moments trump the painful ones. The love I felt in that relationship obscures the issues that led to our break-up and despite being firm in my decision I'm still committed to loving him as if it were a vow that can never be broken.
When friends and family tell me that I will find another love, I nod my head feigning reassurance but the truth is, I don't believe them. Every love situation is unique. Even with my children, I love them equally but differently. Finding that balance where you are content and can rest in the love you share with someone isn't something that is easily obtained. To say that you will find another love may be true, but it will never be like the one you are losing. Before you walk away, make sure you are at peace the conclusion of something that you will never find again. Love is like a diamond. It's rare, it's often flawed, but so brilliant.
If my ex were to address the issues that drove me away from him and correct them, I would embrace him as if it never occurred.
So the next time you hear someone say that love is overrated, ask them what they did for it. Chances are, that for them love is underestimated and because they are still broken up by the effects of its power, they scorn its value.
Love is rare, and to discount it's value is like shunning a diamond that fell into your possession without thought, expectation, or deserving. Don't scorn it's value, just because you fell victim to its power.

Stay Kinky Folks!

-The Nappy Haired Diva