Robin Williams didn't commit suicide. Depression murdered him.
That's how I view it. I dislike when people say suicide. It's almost as if people immediately discount the significance of the loss because the death was self-inflicted. I can assure you that depression drives people to off themselves. For the sake of being technical, yes killing yourself is suicide but please do this for me: think of a time you were desperate. I don't care if it was to receive attention from that person you were madly in love with or when you stole that money, or told that lie, or took them back.
It was a moment of desperation. Were you in control? Perhaps. Did it feel like it? No. Welcome to the lives of the depressed.
I often feel like a shell that is housing a cloud of sadness within me. I don't get to wear all black and sit in art galleries smoking slim cigarettes discussing dark abstract art. I'm not emo chic. I gain weight and look like a fat pig and then feel awful about looking like a pig. Then I drink wine until I border suspicion of alcoholism. Then, I ditch wine and go on spending sprees because of the thrill that I receive when I swipe that card and get those shoes or that thing my kids wanted. I lock myself up and talk to about the same 10 people and five of them are the ones I have to talk to in order to keep my job. This is what my depression looks like.
The face of it is all around you and you don't notice because the mask is so damned convincing. We are here, we are working beside you, we are at Happy Hour. We are doing your employee reviews, we are analyzing your data, we are raising your doctors, and lawyers and teachers and preachers. We choose to live every day and it's a deliberate effort. We are here. We are depressed.
The sexual assault didnt make me kill myself, neither did the rape that came later. The eviction didn't do it. The date that stood me up didn't do it. The man that loved me but refused to love me openly didn't do it. Nothing has come my way has caused me to give up my fight. So the next time you see me sitting next to you on the train, and I look like I need a morning cup of coffee, think twice. I may need much more than that.
Lets be kind to one another, shall we?
We all have our issues.
That's how I view it. I dislike when people say suicide. It's almost as if people immediately discount the significance of the loss because the death was self-inflicted. I can assure you that depression drives people to off themselves. For the sake of being technical, yes killing yourself is suicide but please do this for me: think of a time you were desperate. I don't care if it was to receive attention from that person you were madly in love with or when you stole that money, or told that lie, or took them back.
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| Photo by Mike Wilson on Unsplash |
I often feel like a shell that is housing a cloud of sadness within me. I don't get to wear all black and sit in art galleries smoking slim cigarettes discussing dark abstract art. I'm not emo chic. I gain weight and look like a fat pig and then feel awful about looking like a pig. Then I drink wine until I border suspicion of alcoholism. Then, I ditch wine and go on spending sprees because of the thrill that I receive when I swipe that card and get those shoes or that thing my kids wanted. I lock myself up and talk to about the same 10 people and five of them are the ones I have to talk to in order to keep my job. This is what my depression looks like.
The face of it is all around you and you don't notice because the mask is so damned convincing. We are here, we are working beside you, we are at Happy Hour. We are doing your employee reviews, we are analyzing your data, we are raising your doctors, and lawyers and teachers and preachers. We choose to live every day and it's a deliberate effort. We are here. We are depressed.
The sexual assault didnt make me kill myself, neither did the rape that came later. The eviction didn't do it. The date that stood me up didn't do it. The man that loved me but refused to love me openly didn't do it. Nothing has come my way has caused me to give up my fight. So the next time you see me sitting next to you on the train, and I look like I need a morning cup of coffee, think twice. I may need much more than that.
Lets be kind to one another, shall we?
We all have our issues.
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