match.com, eHarmony, Christian Mingle, Black People Meet, Plenty Of Fish...these are the sites that I have tried in search of a man that I can see myself in a committed relationship with.You know the story, I'm a single mom, divorced, two kids, trying to copy Stella and get my groove back. I work full time, weekends are typically spent at church, cleaning and doing activities with my kids. I don't have much time for me. I don't have time for happy hours, I am skating home to meet my kids. I don't have much savings and what I do have doesn't allow me to justify the expense of a sitter.
So I work, I come home, I cook, I help with homework, sign permission slips, pay for field trips, hustle kids to bed and when they are finally in bed... I surf the dating sites.
Initially it was fun. I was in communication with men from all over from Massachusetts to Maryland. I got to chat, message, email and even text some of them. I knew that I would have NEVER met any of these men any other time. I don't take public transportation. I drive. Its a luxury that isolates you from the opportunity of interaction with other people. I work in a field that is predominantly run by men but supported by women. So, cupid hasn't paid me a visit at the work place. Once I am home, the sites are where I can go to my virtual happy hour...only after hours.
I have virtually met at least a hundred men online. Honestly, its more like 300 by now.I have physically met with at least 25. I can low ball and say 15 but I have to count the quick meet and greets that never materialized. My worst encounter? Between the man who awkwardly asked for about 7 hugs within the first 10 minutes and the man who met me in a park with his pitbull and showed me his ankle bracelet while reciting gangsta rap.
Biggest waste of time? The insecure hottie with trust issues who wasted two months of my time chatting daily and skyping only to say that he has way too many trust issues to do a long distance relationship. Thank you. You could have expressed that on day 2... I'm just saying.
So here I am, still online.. now realizing that this is a means to an end... sadly.
I have met quite a few of the same type of men online. I seldom come across a personality that isn't like the others.
The Interviewer: I meet men who spend our entire messaging conversations asking me question after question. Why am I single? What do I like to do? Do I want to have kids? What am I looking for? Can I cook? This always annoys me. This doesn't qualify as "written exchange" of thoughts. Its just rapid fire questions to see if I "qualify". All the while these men never offer me any information about them. It would be one thing to be engaging and ask questions along the way, but The Interviewer just wears you out with one question followed by another as if he is so sure that he is what you need and his only issue is to see if you are what he wants. Its wonderful to have confidence however its a bit presumptuous to believe that you have everything everyone wants.
The One Liner: This man just wants to communicate with several people at once and replies with one liners to keep you engaged although he isn't truly engaging. Its not worth pursuing. Just move on, at least I do. I don't want to be responsible for keeping things interesting in a relationship and especially not early on.
The Poet: I'm the brightest star, I have a smile that would make the sun jealous, I have a beauty that surpasses understanding. This would be charming if there weren't 50 other men inboxing you saying the same darn thing. The novelty wears off fast and then it all seems contrived.
The Well Written Ebonics Major: He can type, but he can't speak well. You can read anything he writes, but you can't bring him to the office Christmas party because your co-workers will be left pondering just what youknowwhatimsaying meant, and if they really did know, what he was saying.
The Photoshop: What you fell for was a picture of him over a decade ago and he is now a shell of the man he once was. He is overweight and all of his headshots were taken at convenient angles that obscured his second chin, his mangled teeth, the mid life circles that just wont quit. He lied. He got you, and he's never even heard of Adobe. Now you are sitting across from him imagining his teeth as some sort of ivory colored sieve that his drink has to find its way through to make it down his throat. You have navigate your way out of this relationship fast knowing that your reason is entirely superficial. You loved his personality, but you can't make it past that mug. Instead you sip out of the one before you, hoping the caffeine will give you the 5 minute headstart you need to sprint out of this situation and leave it all behind you.
The Storyteller: He's in a situation. He had a bad way of things and is cleaning it all up. You are supposed to see his potential. He is supposed to NOT be dating and sit down somewhere and get his life in order. Keep going. A story isn't any good if you have heard it before.
I mentioned earlier that online dating allows me to meet men that I wouldn't otherwise meet. However maybe that's just the issue. I don't really need to be meeting half of them if not more anyway. I think the issue that I am suffering from is the very issue many others are suffering from. We are desensitized to the entire act of online dating and are all going through the motions.
Perhaps the Interviewer has run into too many wastes of time and just gets to asking questions and given up on the small talk. Maybe the one liner is disenchanted and just hopes to meet someone that makes them want to type a few sentences. Maybe the Ebonics Major is tired of being turned down when if he met someone in person they would know how he spoke BEFORE they actually met or made phone calls. The Photo Shop just wants to be accepted but realizes that many people don't even bother to read profiles anymore, they just look at pictures. The Storyteller just wants someone to stand by them and see their heart and not their situation.
All of these things may be true but in the convenience of logging onto a site and seeing thousands of people doing just what you are... looking for someone to spend time with... there isn't much patience for anything you don't want. It seems like you can go on the web for anything... you can open a bank account. You can purchase a star or a crater, you can grocery shop, you can write a check, order clothing, video chat, schedule NSA sex, do a background check, research for a paper, type a blog, publish a novel... why should love be any less tangible?
BUT-- it is.
Good Luck!
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