I remember the days that I would meet a man and take a roll in the hay with him because I liked him, or I was aroused at the time, or we were in a relationship and I felt obligated. For whatever reason, I found myself in the arms of a man that years and sometimes months later I hardly remember they were ever in my life to begin with. No, I wasn't a good slore (well you would have to sleep with several people without reservation or thought to be a good one). I was just free sexually and wasn't hung up on rules on when to sleep with someone that I liked or was attracted to. I already feel like I have said too much however its a good thing to know yourself. I am not a good slore. Perhaps, a bad one who had aspirations but never realized them, but I digress...
All of these men that I gave myself to only provided me with pleasure that was fleeting. After all, every man is Mister Right until he becomes wrong. You like everyone until you don't anymore. However, the span of time in which I enjoyed the company of these men was always fleeting. It never lasted for that long before I was moving on. Honestly I can say that my patience hasn't lasted more than 4 months since I have been single. For this reason, I have decided against counting the four relationships that I have over the past 5 years of being single. I could have had more. However, they all lasted all of 2-4 months maximum and then I find myself single yet again, vowing to steer clear of committed relationships. When am I supposed to start a meaningful relationship? No, that's a real question. I don't have the answer. So many of my friends and family have told me to take my time and wait a little. The vague advice to wait on pursuing something so serious is confusing. How do I adhere to that advice? Am I to wait a year? A few months? Until I lose this last 15lbs? Until I meet all of my personal goals? Financial goals? On God? I don't know what I am waiting for but for a change, I am actually NOT on dating sites. I am not actively looking for a relationship. I am not obsessing or over-analizying over interactions with men.
What have I done? I have created some boundaries. I remember watching the Lord of the Rings and Gandolf was battling Balrog which was this huge demonic creature with a whip of fire. It was satan on steroids. So Gandolf being fatigued from battle, looking especially disheveled (more so than his usual eccentric appearance) places his enchanted weaponry on the ground and says " YOU SHALL NOT PASS." I have to say that that particular moment stood out for me. No, it wasnt the lone tendril of gray hair that was carelessly draped over Gandolf's face, nor was it the wicked beast that was challenging him. It stood out because Gandolf who appeared to have paled in might when placed next to Balrog had such authority in his voice when he told him ' dude, its so not going down like this right now.' Okay, so that was my interpretation of the "... shall not pass" statement but you get my point. Work with me.
I have created some boundaries. I know that dating isnt easy but its easier to weed out the prospects from the pieces of poo when you draw the line. What are my boundaries? Well they are too long to list but to put it plainly, I will not entertain a man who doesn't have what I have. If a man can't meet me where I am in life there is no point in going further. I think its important to be able to build together in a relationship and if he is still picking up the pieces in areas where I have already picked them up, put them together and moved on, I dont see how we can build. I want to be someone's woman, not life coach.
There are some things that I would not do now that I have done in the past. Allowing just anyone to pass between my legs, or into my heart are just two of those things. One Sunday I was sitting in church (well that's most Sunday's now) and the pastor was preaching about boundaries. He made it clear that by establishing and enforcing boundaries, you make it clear to others what your priorities are. I have decided to become my greatest priority.
All of these men that I gave myself to only provided me with pleasure that was fleeting. After all, every man is Mister Right until he becomes wrong. You like everyone until you don't anymore. However, the span of time in which I enjoyed the company of these men was always fleeting. It never lasted for that long before I was moving on. Honestly I can say that my patience hasn't lasted more than 4 months since I have been single. For this reason, I have decided against counting the four relationships that I have over the past 5 years of being single. I could have had more. However, they all lasted all of 2-4 months maximum and then I find myself single yet again, vowing to steer clear of committed relationships. When am I supposed to start a meaningful relationship? No, that's a real question. I don't have the answer. So many of my friends and family have told me to take my time and wait a little. The vague advice to wait on pursuing something so serious is confusing. How do I adhere to that advice? Am I to wait a year? A few months? Until I lose this last 15lbs? Until I meet all of my personal goals? Financial goals? On God? I don't know what I am waiting for but for a change, I am actually NOT on dating sites. I am not actively looking for a relationship. I am not obsessing or over-analizying over interactions with men.
What have I done? I have created some boundaries. I remember watching the Lord of the Rings and Gandolf was battling Balrog which was this huge demonic creature with a whip of fire. It was satan on steroids. So Gandolf being fatigued from battle, looking especially disheveled (more so than his usual eccentric appearance) places his enchanted weaponry on the ground and says " YOU SHALL NOT PASS." I have to say that that particular moment stood out for me. No, it wasnt the lone tendril of gray hair that was carelessly draped over Gandolf's face, nor was it the wicked beast that was challenging him. It stood out because Gandolf who appeared to have paled in might when placed next to Balrog had such authority in his voice when he told him ' dude, its so not going down like this right now.' Okay, so that was my interpretation of the "... shall not pass" statement but you get my point. Work with me.
I have created some boundaries. I know that dating isnt easy but its easier to weed out the prospects from the pieces of poo when you draw the line. What are my boundaries? Well they are too long to list but to put it plainly, I will not entertain a man who doesn't have what I have. If a man can't meet me where I am in life there is no point in going further. I think its important to be able to build together in a relationship and if he is still picking up the pieces in areas where I have already picked them up, put them together and moved on, I dont see how we can build. I want to be someone's woman, not life coach.
There are some things that I would not do now that I have done in the past. Allowing just anyone to pass between my legs, or into my heart are just two of those things. One Sunday I was sitting in church (well that's most Sunday's now) and the pastor was preaching about boundaries. He made it clear that by establishing and enforcing boundaries, you make it clear to others what your priorities are. I have decided to become my greatest priority.
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