I was in an abusive relationship for about at least nine years.
I was emotionally abused, I was financially taken for granted, and there were other types of abuse that I prefer not to elaborate on. The bottom line is that I was in a relationship that put me in a dark place and I became quite comfortable with the pain that I constantly endured. He was the first man I had ever fallen in love with and I didn't know anything else. I functioned within the dysfunction and while I knew things were not "right" I still stayed. Eventually it had nothing to do with love but much more to do with habit.
Then-
I ended it all.
Each man I have met and dated since has been a better fit for me than the man before him.
Each man I have met and dated since has shown me what it is that I deserve and has given me a glimpse of what happiness within a relationship can be like.
Recently I met someone that has been a ray of light in my life. He is smart, he is attentive, hard-working, sweet, compassionate, driven, romantic, senual, funny... the list goes on. When I'm with him I feel like I'm in a familiar place although its all so new to me. Reclining in his arms is no different than being wrapped in blankets on my own warm bed. "Us" feels so good to me.
I now realized what its like when you meet someone that is capable of igniting the happiness that is already within you. Its almost as if I had a small spark and he came along and set my soul ablaze.
This is all wonderful news however, I can't say that my past hasn't reared its ugly head. While I am quite removed from that abusive relationship the wounds are still there. Of course no one is able to hurt me the way I was hurt because I wouldn't allow it but periodically he comes across a "bruise." I say this because when he gets upset because I cancel our date and his correspondence turns from warm to cold and curt I assume he's selfish.
My ex was selfish.
The truth is he needed a moment to be disappointed and I needed to allow him that moment.
Then all was well.
Small occurances such as this have happened about twice and each time I was quick to think the worst when the reality was it was just me being skeptical of actually finding someone I can love again.
It was me putting myself down and beating myself up because I no longer had my ex around to do it for me. I did mention I was stuck in a habit didn't I?
Apparently dysfunction doesn't miraculously go away. It takes time. It isn't assigned to one source it usually takes two.
Have you ever had an accident? An accident that resulted in physical damage to your body? That bike race that ended up with a skinned knee? That dare devil jump that landed you in bed with your mother doting over you? That crooked finger from that messy break? Years later, the pain is gone but you will always have the scar to remember.
I think when accepting a new and healthy relationship after a tumultuous and abusive one, we need to see our bruises so that we can remember how far we have come but more importantly remember that we CAN heal. Once you know you can heal, the fear of a possible fall...just isn't so bad because in the end you'll be okay.
If you are ever fortunate enough to experience healthy love... run free with it.
affectionately thinking kinky
I was emotionally abused, I was financially taken for granted, and there were other types of abuse that I prefer not to elaborate on. The bottom line is that I was in a relationship that put me in a dark place and I became quite comfortable with the pain that I constantly endured. He was the first man I had ever fallen in love with and I didn't know anything else. I functioned within the dysfunction and while I knew things were not "right" I still stayed. Eventually it had nothing to do with love but much more to do with habit.
Then-
I ended it all.
Each man I have met and dated since has been a better fit for me than the man before him.
Each man I have met and dated since has shown me what it is that I deserve and has given me a glimpse of what happiness within a relationship can be like.
Recently I met someone that has been a ray of light in my life. He is smart, he is attentive, hard-working, sweet, compassionate, driven, romantic, senual, funny... the list goes on. When I'm with him I feel like I'm in a familiar place although its all so new to me. Reclining in his arms is no different than being wrapped in blankets on my own warm bed. "Us" feels so good to me.
I now realized what its like when you meet someone that is capable of igniting the happiness that is already within you. Its almost as if I had a small spark and he came along and set my soul ablaze.
This is all wonderful news however, I can't say that my past hasn't reared its ugly head. While I am quite removed from that abusive relationship the wounds are still there. Of course no one is able to hurt me the way I was hurt because I wouldn't allow it but periodically he comes across a "bruise." I say this because when he gets upset because I cancel our date and his correspondence turns from warm to cold and curt I assume he's selfish.
My ex was selfish.
The truth is he needed a moment to be disappointed and I needed to allow him that moment.
Then all was well.
Small occurances such as this have happened about twice and each time I was quick to think the worst when the reality was it was just me being skeptical of actually finding someone I can love again.
It was me putting myself down and beating myself up because I no longer had my ex around to do it for me. I did mention I was stuck in a habit didn't I?
Apparently dysfunction doesn't miraculously go away. It takes time. It isn't assigned to one source it usually takes two.
Have you ever had an accident? An accident that resulted in physical damage to your body? That bike race that ended up with a skinned knee? That dare devil jump that landed you in bed with your mother doting over you? That crooked finger from that messy break? Years later, the pain is gone but you will always have the scar to remember.
I think when accepting a new and healthy relationship after a tumultuous and abusive one, we need to see our bruises so that we can remember how far we have come but more importantly remember that we CAN heal. Once you know you can heal, the fear of a possible fall...just isn't so bad because in the end you'll be okay.
If you are ever fortunate enough to experience healthy love... run free with it.
affectionately thinking kinky
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