The Time I : Leave My Dead End Relationship

Photo by Redd Angelo on Unsplash

"So what do you want to do about us?" That's what I asked him. It had been about two years of dating, love, and intimacy of varied levels. 

"I would like us to be together in the future. I can see us together."

These kinds of answers do nothing for me. When someone wants something, they set goals. I wasn't a goal. I was an option. I was a convenience and for the greater portion of two years, I was a fool. 

I could say the love held me there. I could say the chemistry held me there however, whatever the reason I can't say it was worth spending two years hoping that someone would decide I'm worth committing to. 

The worst part? This silly response was always the same. Time went on and the response remained the same. There were brief periods where we actually were "together" but the same issues that plagued our relationship from the beginning hung over us like a black cloud. We were covered in stagnation and we just didn't do very much about it. A cycle of breaking up and making up wore us both us and we eventually reached this place where there no goals. There was no hope. There was just lip service and time spent together. 

I'm a great woman. I have flaws like anyone else but I raise my kids, I keep a home, I walk my dog, I'm working on my weight, and I'm honest. I give great, thoughtful gifts, I'm not petty, and I'm not an embarrassment at the office holiday party. What really makes me great? I'm genuinely a good person. That should be enough but for some reason, I wasn't enough to make this man want me for more than being a lover in limbo. 

So what made me decide it was time to move on? Repetition. 

I have a dog. She is stubborn as a hangnail but she is sweet as pie. She is a larger dog, about 45lbs and I have to make sure I can control her because I can't lift her very easily. She doesn't know I can't lift her, but I know I can't so to save face I rule with a firm hand so she doesn't test me. How do you get a dog to sit when you tell them? Repetition. How do you get a dog in their crate when they are 45lbs of stubborn mass? Repetition. Training my dog requires repetition and reward and after a year of adoption she is finally learning the ropes. Much like my dog, I was a bitch that needed some training. After about two years of being trained that I will get the same response whenever I attempted to seek my personal goal for the relationship, I learned that he was the master of our destiny and I was merely his pet. I was to allow him to pet me when he was in the mood, go off on my own when he wasn't, and expect only what he was willing to give. With repetition, he had me trained quite well. Even when I went astray and ran off to see what the world had to offer, he would chase after me and coax me back into his yard. 

The irony of all of this is that the repetition used within this relationship didn't work for the long term. Eventually, like an unspayed female I was in heat. I didn't care what he said. Come hell or high water, I needed to get some and what I wanted was some commitment. So I decided to break free and stray and I never went back. I looked forward to discovering all that I was missing when I was confined to the relationship he fenced us in and hoped to give birth to new opportunities. Why? Because at the end of the day, I would rather be someone's woman than some jerks bitch.