There she was, Patty Gregory. Patty was as cute as a button and I wanted to be her friend. This was back a Black person with fair skin was beautiful without taking their heart, mind, or physical features into consideration. She was cute though on the outside and because of that, being lighter skinned made her even cuter. Add the fact that her hair was down her back and she immediately elevated to goddess level. I had to be her friend. I had to be worthy of her friendship. She had to accept me! ...and she did.
Later into the semester, a new girl came to our class. Her name was Kendra and she and Patty became fast friends. I watched closely, anxious that Kendra was not only going to rain on my parade but do it with my own thunder she was quickly stealing. Though fearful of being demoted from primary friend to secondary friend, my five year old self opted to keep a watchful eye before making a decision on how to secure my place in Patty's life. I grit my teeth as Kendra took my seat next to Patty during circle time, nap time, and injected herself into our games during recess. I mean, this kid created an imaginary friend that just moved into the neighborhood to play with our imaginary friends. This girl had cunning! The breaking point? We were playing house and she decided she was going to be baby.
Oh. no. she. didn't.
I was the baby. I was Patty's pretend baby and there was no way Kendra was taking that from me. She could have the seat at lunch, she can conveniently conjure imaginary friends, but she will not my role as baby when we play house. I had it. I stormed up to Kendra and gave my best neck and eye roll and told her every mean little thing a five year old can come up with when in the midst of emotional turmoil. Her reaction? She cried. Mine? I felt victorious to be honest. I assert my position in Patty's life and I knew that Kendra was never going to test the turbulent waters that were my nerves ever again. When she cried, I viewed it as sweet surrender and then when I turned at Patty, and saw a slow smirk forming within her rose hued lips that was it. That was when my victory felt like defeat. Something about Patty's response to my hurting Kendra's feelings made me feel less like a winner and more like a loser.
I couldn't sort it out then but reflection on that situation now I realized plenty of things about my younger self. First? I lacked confidence in myself. Seeing someone who appeared to embody all I wasn't and wanted to be at the time made me envious. When you envy something, you wish to covet it for yourself. I wanted what Patty had. I didn't believe enough in myself to obtain it on my own so I decided to feed off of Patty like a leech. She would sustain me with moments of attention and once I was content enough to let her be she would run off to the next desperate friend in training. I was jealous of Kendra. I didn't want to be her, I just didn't want her to have my friend. I was possessive and insecure.
In adulthood some of us still play in games of jealousy. We work hard to make our partners jealous in effort to force them to express their declarations of love be it through actions, words, or both. Some of us are seething constantly over our partners who are doing things that they "know" make us jealous. You know, because people aren't responsible for their own feelings. Other people "make" people feel things (yes, that was sarcasm).
Jealousy in adulthood is still a thing however, it shouldn't be a long lasting thing. We all have our juvenile moments but if you are measuring your partners love for you according to how jealous they become when provoked, that makes you no different from Patty. The reason why Patty smirked is because she was control of the entire situation. She enjoyed watching me prove my dedication to our friendship, even if it were at the expense of my and/or Kendra's feelings. I'm not saying that Patty was a five year old mastermind. I'm saying that it's in our nature to do wicked things. There is no light without darkness and vice versa. Patty likely enjoyed the attention that my silent rivalry with Kendra commanded. To see me angrily scream at Kendra out of pure jealousy was likely a thrilling stroke to Patty's growing ego. This doesn't change in adulthood.
The ego is a dangerous thing. When we succumb to the will of the ego, drama and confusion are sure to follow. If you are like myself in kindergarten and become jealous, it's typically driven by ego. Watching someone with something you don't want them to have because in your mind they just don't deserve it all comes from your ego. You can't stand to see someone have something you do. You should be enough. If you are constantly attempting to make others jealous in effort to prove their love for you, this behavior is likely driven by your ego as well. It all lends to misunderstand how to measure and interpret love.
Want to know a not-so-secret secret? Your ego will never love you like your heart can. The ego is insatiable and only grows into something bigger and uglier the more you feed it. If you want someone to tell you how much they adore you, just ask.
Be Blessed,
Yomi
Want to see the Nappy Haired Diva on video? Check out the YouTube page here.
Comments
Post a Comment