In the midst of working long days for all days I have both mysteriously and miraculously found the time to find myself. Immersing myself in work has allowed me to isolate myself from distractions and by doing so I think I finally began to recover and discover who I am.
To say that this is a freeing moment is an understatement. I think I am more likely to say this moment is monumental in my growth as a person and above all as the ever thinking kinky Abby!
While waiting for the hours to dwindle by as they always do on my part time job, I decided to crack open "The Ways Of White Folks" by Langston Hughes. What an eye-opening read! He is still one of my favorite writers to this day. "The Ways..." is a series of short stories that combined have a lasting effect on the reader. A part of me was left mourning the black experience at a time in history where being black was perceived as unfortunate rather than being regarded as a race. A nigger was a nigger. High yellow niggers, white niggers, black niggers... a nigger was just that, a nigger. You didn't want to be one. There were also parts of the book that were humorous. I would read a line or two in the tone of a 1920's southern black woman and still relate to the thinking of that particular character ninety plus years later. Its amazing how much the thinking of the "negro" hasn't changed very much although the privileges have. After reading this book of short stories, I am bursting at the seams to read his poetry that I have ready and waiting in my personal library. I also want to take a gander at Walt Whitman and refresh my memory of his brilliance.
No, this blog isn't about the race or the literary genius of Langston Hughes. This is about the fact that I have picked up a book again and was able to read it in its entirety and enjoy myself doing it. It wasn't for anything but personal pleasure. I didn't have a paper to write, I didn't have a presentation to compose, I just read because I had the time and I wanted to. That felt wonderful. Being a writer, nothing helps me hone my craft better than reading other great writers. I seldom got to do that being distracted with the myriad of nonsense that I consumed myself with for so many years.
Working on my outward appearance as I have been is also something that I once did regularly and enjoyed. Being a single parent, consumed with depression and a demanding job got in the way of that and somehow cupcakes and gummy bears became more important than avoiding the consequences of their consumption. Eating healthy is a challenge that I am eager to take on. I enjoy juicing and constructing recipes to curb the fat content and increase the nutritional value of what I and my family eat.
The only thing that I used to enjoy doing that I don't enjoy as much now is dating. I once lived for the nights out, the romantic embrace, the kiss on the cheek, the passionate make out session in my doorway (hey, don't knock it until you've tried it). These days, I try to stay as far away from dating as I can. I can no longer endure the cheap skates, the unemployed, the married, the unstable, the disingenuous. Instead I have turned into a self-proclaimed pervert. I take joy in ogling men when they don't know I'm looking and in my mind I recite all of the naughty things I would do if I had them for an evening. I wouldn't need more than that. Chances are I would come to loathe them if I allowed myself to get to know them. I know that this is lust at its worst (or best depending on who's reading) but I don't think I can handle much more than that at this point.
A few days back my sister came by and she along with my daughters and I took a dip in the pool (where I ogled the life guards but I digress...). We had a good time. I couldn't shake my fear of allowing my body to be horizontal in 3 feet of water and I screamed and whined the entire time. I used my 5 year olds life saver to propel myself across the pool and I looked like an idiot. Guess what? I had a good time. I was with people I love doing things I hadn't done in years.
I feel like a sleeping giant who has been sleeping for way too long. Its time to wake up! Good morning!
I have been through so very much, and after all the heartache, set-backs and disappointment... I made it, I'M ALIVE!
Now, its time to live.
-thinking the kinkiest (but only when they aren't looking)!
To say that this is a freeing moment is an understatement. I think I am more likely to say this moment is monumental in my growth as a person and above all as the ever thinking kinky Abby!
While waiting for the hours to dwindle by as they always do on my part time job, I decided to crack open "The Ways Of White Folks" by Langston Hughes. What an eye-opening read! He is still one of my favorite writers to this day. "The Ways..." is a series of short stories that combined have a lasting effect on the reader. A part of me was left mourning the black experience at a time in history where being black was perceived as unfortunate rather than being regarded as a race. A nigger was a nigger. High yellow niggers, white niggers, black niggers... a nigger was just that, a nigger. You didn't want to be one. There were also parts of the book that were humorous. I would read a line or two in the tone of a 1920's southern black woman and still relate to the thinking of that particular character ninety plus years later. Its amazing how much the thinking of the "negro" hasn't changed very much although the privileges have. After reading this book of short stories, I am bursting at the seams to read his poetry that I have ready and waiting in my personal library. I also want to take a gander at Walt Whitman and refresh my memory of his brilliance.
No, this blog isn't about the race or the literary genius of Langston Hughes. This is about the fact that I have picked up a book again and was able to read it in its entirety and enjoy myself doing it. It wasn't for anything but personal pleasure. I didn't have a paper to write, I didn't have a presentation to compose, I just read because I had the time and I wanted to. That felt wonderful. Being a writer, nothing helps me hone my craft better than reading other great writers. I seldom got to do that being distracted with the myriad of nonsense that I consumed myself with for so many years.
Working on my outward appearance as I have been is also something that I once did regularly and enjoyed. Being a single parent, consumed with depression and a demanding job got in the way of that and somehow cupcakes and gummy bears became more important than avoiding the consequences of their consumption. Eating healthy is a challenge that I am eager to take on. I enjoy juicing and constructing recipes to curb the fat content and increase the nutritional value of what I and my family eat.
The only thing that I used to enjoy doing that I don't enjoy as much now is dating. I once lived for the nights out, the romantic embrace, the kiss on the cheek, the passionate make out session in my doorway (hey, don't knock it until you've tried it). These days, I try to stay as far away from dating as I can. I can no longer endure the cheap skates, the unemployed, the married, the unstable, the disingenuous. Instead I have turned into a self-proclaimed pervert. I take joy in ogling men when they don't know I'm looking and in my mind I recite all of the naughty things I would do if I had them for an evening. I wouldn't need more than that. Chances are I would come to loathe them if I allowed myself to get to know them. I know that this is lust at its worst (or best depending on who's reading) but I don't think I can handle much more than that at this point.
A few days back my sister came by and she along with my daughters and I took a dip in the pool (where I ogled the life guards but I digress...). We had a good time. I couldn't shake my fear of allowing my body to be horizontal in 3 feet of water and I screamed and whined the entire time. I used my 5 year olds life saver to propel myself across the pool and I looked like an idiot. Guess what? I had a good time. I was with people I love doing things I hadn't done in years.
I feel like a sleeping giant who has been sleeping for way too long. Its time to wake up! Good morning!
I have been through so very much, and after all the heartache, set-backs and disappointment... I made it, I'M ALIVE!
Now, its time to live.
-thinking the kinkiest (but only when they aren't looking)!
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