Thinking Kinky : The Nappy Haired Diva

This is an old email that I sent to a few of my friends, documenting an experience that really enlightened and blessed me. As much of an impact it had on me, I hadn't thought of it for some years and it made me realize that I need to reflect more often. I hope that this ministers to you as it did me. On Thursday, after I dropped one of my surrogates off, I made a quick run to Laurel Mall to get some party supplies for Rane's birthday party the following day. In the parking lot, I saw an older woman sitting down and weeping loudly. At first, I ignored her and proceeded to my car, but then a nagging feeling came over me and I felt compelled to speak to this woman. There she sat, with a few layers of clothing, an old weathered face and long strawberry blonde hair cascading past her shoulders. I could tell that underneath her haggard exterior, she was once a beautiful woman with crystal clear blue eyes, high cheek bones and gorgeous hair. I asked her why she was sobbing and she sai...

Each day, I would wake up and get a precious gem. There wasn't a day that they were ever the same, yet all of them were equally valuable. There came a day when I had more gems than I knew what to do with. They filled my pockets, they surrounded my feet, they consumed me. I didn't know how to clear them. I didn't know how to sort them. I didn't know how to leave them. I loved them so much. Still, each day I continued to receive each gem. Ever fatigued by the weight and quantity of them I smiled as I received them and frowned immediately after as I pondered what to do with them. I was in over my head. So, I decided to throw them away. I lamented over the loss, but I didn't know what to do with them. I valued them, and I loved them but I couldn't make them work for me. Instead I just allowed myself to be consumed, and my lack of a plan led to frustration and eventually gave way to resignation. I let my gems go. Upon giving them up, I suddenly had space to think ab...

My name is Abby. Some of you may already know that, some of you may not. Either way, I got this name by default (another thing that some of you may know). I am not by any means Abigail VanBuren and giving advice is NOT something that I enjoy doing. In the span of about a month, I have found myself in the middle of numerous relationships, political spats at the workplace, and family quarrels. Todays blog is my way of making an effort to put my foot down. I DONT WANT TO HEAR ANYONE ELSE'S PROBLEMS ANYMORE. I don't want to be in the middle, I don't want to hear how it all ends. I just want to be left alone. I know that this is quite selfish as I have my problems as well but at the end of the day the problems that I am solicited to give advice on will either continue or be solved with our without my input. So, for this reason, please leave me alone. Or, to make things more clear... I refuse to listen. I quit listening. I want to solve my own problems. In case you wondered, I ...

I have finally come to the conclusion that I am quite dysfunctional. My knack for getting into volatile relationships is best described as uncanny. I can NOT look for a dysfunctional relationship and land myself into one. I have done some serious finger pointing in the past, but this time I am going to point the finger at myself. I must be a wreck because all I see is calamity when it comes to my love life. I am still working toward a divorce, I am still plagued by a strange relationship with my mother,and I recently ended a highly volatile summer love affair. I can honestly tell you that I had no idea that any of these relationships were dysfunctional until I happened to glance across the room and saw my mind lying haphazardly across the floor. This was actually somewhat comforting since I didn't need to actually search for it. I suppose all wasn't completely lost. Either way, for the past year I've been frantically collecting myself and trying to recover (and regroup)....

What I hate about you is that you are always right, even when you are absolutely wrong. I hate that the most simplest of things become complex for no reason when it comes to you and me. I hate that I have to bask in the peace between us with the ever-present anticipation of the war that will come soon after. I hate that you manipulate me into loving you only to take and give yours without a moments notice. I hate that you make me pay for everyone else's mistakes and wrong doings. I hate that you love me phenomenally one moment and hate me with a passion of equal intensity the next. I hate that I have to forgive your transgressions and I am steadily paying for my own instead of being forgiven. I hate that whenever we are happy we are so very happy and whenever we are angry, its enough to make me wish I didn't get deceived by our happier times. I hate that there is no expressing myself to you because you close every door, and put up every wall each and every time you feel slight...

A lot of people are asking me where to find it: Here you go! :)

I worked in an investment firm and it was at that time that I was overcome with the most overwhelming feeling of depression. I couldn't take it. I just wanted out on life. It was at that time that I began to reflect on my life. While reflecting I came up with a story that I wanted to tell and began to type. Each day I came in to work motivated by nothing else than to type this story that I couldn't get out of my head. And that is how my novel God Bless The Child came about. I didn't know where it would take me but I began to submit queries to agents on a whim. I was hoping that I could make a career doing what I loved rather than wasting away placating millionaires at the firm. About four years later, I am no longer at the firm but still doing a thankless job. However, I have finally finished telling this story that has been very much a part of my life for the past four years. I have had moderate success in having agents look at my work however, no one took a bite and deci...

Well I've changed my eating habits and I'm on day...5. I feel like a pitbull with a muzzle on. I want to take a bite out of everything and I'm restricted. Discipline isn't easily acquired. I've started drinking green tea and I'm hoping that it will hold me over while I starve. I really would love some French fries right now but it's out of the question. I've been extremely mean and moody lately and I just know that PMS and hunger don't make good friends. I've bitten just about Everyones head off and after the drama dies down I quietly run to a corner and gingerly sip a cup of green tea before preparing for round 2. I'm losing it (in case you were unable to make an inference). As for my financial woes, I'm more aggressively working on long term solutions. I'll update when something actually appears to be working. Me and my new bestie Green Tea are eagerly waiting. My love life? Ha! It's nothing short of a mess. I need a therapist. ...

So, I have made a decision to move on. I am going to move on from being overweight, unhappy, financially insecure and negative. So I decided to begin a new way of eating. I am eating healthier and this is not a temporary solution but a long term solution. I am starting the HCG diet. I think if anything it would be a good way for me to become disciplined. I need to learn how to stay away from sugars, processed foods etc. The first two days I was to eat whatever I craved. It was a fun run but by last night I was so consumed with greasy rubbish that I was ready for day 3. Day 3 is today. I can not have anything but Melba toast, grilled chicken (3 0z), and fruit. Its going to be a touch day... Now to move on to happiness. I don't plan to do anything that doesn't make me happy. If I don't have to do it and it will not bring any joy to my life, I will refrain from doing it. Thats the rule. I am going to do what I want to do so that regrets will come far and few between. Money... ...

I have been down this road before. I have tried dating and found that it is exhausting, demanding and fruitless. However I always hear my friends and sister tell me that there is the right person out there for me and all I need to do is be patient enough to locate this mystery individual. Well, when I least expected it... I met someone that really peaked my interest. Intelligent, cute, ambitous, sensible, cultured, humorous... the list indeed goes on. Can I tell you that even with all these positive attributes I was filled with nothing but apprehension? I seem to have a real problem. I am always eager to dive head first into a dummy rain puddle and petrified to wade in the ocean of bliss that is a healthy relationship. So, there I was wearing a life jacket and goggles, umbrella in hand totally fearful of embarking on anything with this person and then finally I took the plunge. Boy, did I take the plunge. I will leave the details to myself. Either way, I didn't have too much of...

This evening, I finally managed to meet up with some very dear friends. This was a meeting that had long been in the making, and although I had every intention of catchin up time and life just didn't seemt to permit. Once I finally managed to see them again it was nice to be able to catch up. Even with four children and a cranky teen between us, we somehow finagled great conversation along with some humor that could be considered for adults only. Thankfully the children were occupied with themselves and at times each other. There is an elephant in the room when it comes to this relationship that I share with my friends. There's a certain "I know what you did last summer" quality to our relationship that we all are aware of, but we haven't shared with the kids. No, there wasn't any swinging or anything of that nature. There's just an elephant in the room. Okay not an elephant, maybe a billygoat. I often wonder when we will reveal our shared conn...

Hey sweet baby how did you make me so easy? You play me unfair and like fresh air you take me in and breathe me each time I circulate you recreate a new me thats so needy I crave you and rave you and sex you til I'm sleepy Hey hey sweet baby how did you make me so easy? You frighten and you freak me you hide me then you seek me I'm invisible and you still see me and you make it look so damned easy Hey sweet baby how did you make me so easy? pucker up my lips for you swing my thick hips for you prepare a homecooked meal for you relax in your arms for a day or two cherish the very essence of you hey hey hey sweet sweet baby assertive go getter but still a lady how did you make me so damn easy? because you stir me, entice me, delight me and please me

January 2011... My cruise ship finally docked in Miami and my cell phone finally had a signal that I wouldn't be paying an arm and a leg for. I began to check my messages and then the news came: my grandfather passed away. As I sat weeping on the ship, a part of me knew that this day would come but another part of me refused to accept the reality of it's arrival. So recently when I was offered an opportunity to become a part of something that would change my life, I was reluctant because it only reminded me of another opportunity that I had once seized and then voluntarily let go. I was initially apprehensive but after some thought I've decided it's time to try something new accept them surprises, rewards and disappointments that come along with all new endeavors. It's time to turn over a new leaf. Change is good! Even when it's a little uncomfortable, at least one could take comfort in the reality that they are growing. Growth is good. As for my love life,...

Sweet and exotic Sex so erotic Orgasms in double doses Seductive with the most sensual hypnosis Clever and calculated Orgasms... Upgraded Increase the burn deplete the yearn Until the hot spot becomes shaded Deep moans, mind blown Silent the cell phones Off the hook like dial tones Breathing heavy Almost ready Feeling that relief Now pull me in deep And let the freak in me unleash Get buck and be beast Let out a roar Empty my pores And then put my ass to Sleep Just reminiscing....

Lately I have been seriously stepping out on a limb and doing things that would surprise many, even myself. Here's the thing, I am having a damned good time doing it. I feel like I am finally catching up with the Abby I would of been had she not left me in the dust when I got pregnant ten years ago. Anyway, I am finally doing all of the things I wanted to do and miss doing. Today is a trip to Jamaica. Tomorrow, who knows? My book is seriously being considered by a reputable agent... I have done a little dating here and there... life is good. I've even made some interesting friendships. Very interesting. I'll leave it at that. I must admit that I am taking great risks to find happiness but so far, I have found that there is nothing else I would rather work harder for at this moment. I would rather struggle to be happy than to maintain the mediocrity that was my life last year. So, yeah I've been out on a limb...but I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm enjoying t...

This blog is going to be real and raw. Maybe its always been, either way I have some emotions to purge and its time I just get it over with. I'm fighting tears right now. My heart is aching, my spirit is broken, I am emotionally wounded. So, as I am typing this blog, I have a box of tissues, and "I'm so over you n*gga" music playing in the background. Its an arsenal of "feel better" with a dose of "get over him". How did I get here? I'll tell you how: Hechts Department store. It all started ten years ago in March in the parking lot of Prince Georges Plaza Mall. I was leaving my shift at the department store clad in a calf length denim skirt, camel colored calf length boots, a brown shirt, a tan peacoat, a foxy brown afro and "oh baby" Mac lip gloss that had my lips popping. A car pulled up, the driver asked me my name, told me he was from Cali, I was from NY...and ten years later I have birthed two of his children, gained about 40+ po...

I haven't been very aggressive in my quest to find Mr. Right. I've been of the mindset that the right man will just happen to fall into my open arms (or legs... it's been awhile). I envisioned myself as a lonely princess locked away waiting for my prince to save me. So, when I instead received a random email from a man I haven't seen in almost a year it wasn't the scenario I was dreaming of. His email was all of two lines asking me out for movies, a drink or "something". So much for romance. I suppose technology really pits a damper on the fantasies of the hopeless romantic. With a few taps on my keyboard and a wave of my mouse I was on my way to an impromptu date. I quickly took a shower and let my hair do a wild, wet and wavy thing that took little effort or time. I surveyed my closet and realized that there wasn't one outfit that wouldn't read desperation, prudish, or nonchalant. I opted to wear one of my "uniforms"... you know, the ou...

I haven't even begun to take the plunge into the world of dating and I am already disgruntled and discouraged. Apparently the men I am interested in are never interested in me. The men I am never interested in seem to flock toward me. It's a very frustrating dilemma to say the least. Realizing that I am now 30 years old, semi-single ( divorce set to take place this summer [insert fist pumping here] ), a mother of two, moderately attractive, and lonely only leads me to believe that I should start socializing and seek the companionship of a man. Well, that's not as easy as it sounds. See, I have a knack for attracting the most unsavory characters that can be best described as uncanny. Take Leroy, the southern gentleman who refused to speak to me on the phone and would only text. He had big plans for us. He wanted us to develop an exclusive relationship through LOL's and smiley faces. That didn't work out. Recently I was introduced to Desmond. He's another southern...

He sat quietly at the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. He wondered how much longer he could endure her. "So you're not gonna' tell , huh?" Her eyes were brimming with tears. There was a time that he would take great care to dam the tears that welled in her eyes and now he had grown tired. He let out a slow groan. "This is bullshit..." He mumbled more to himself than toward her. This sent her in a rage. She sprang from underneath the sheets, her naked body fully exposed. Her once taut backside was riddled with dimples. Her belly ring sunk into her stomach as if it were a secret jewel. He often forgot she had her navel pierced at all. "My feelings are BULLSHIT?!" She raged on. The words that followed didn't matter. He wasn't listening. Instead he began to massage his temples in a rhythmic motion, soothing himself into a trance of indifference. "God, she is loud." He thought to himself. The distant memories of her whi...

My Funny Valentine Initially, when you said to me that you sent me a gesture of affection I'm the form of an email... I failed to express how unnecessary it was that you did such a thing Instead I chose to be thankful that you thought of me although as the years have gone by my eyes have acquired a clarity that enables me To see Right through you And when I read "your" words in a tone and richness I never heard I immediately questioned the origin of your expression After all it always seemed as if you created a profession of "yessing" me to death For no particular reason But apparently, for Mr. Misleading it's still hunting season And I must look like an easy catch Well,... Allow me to snatch back your fantasy and impose my reality on you The way you imposed your contrived charm on me. Despite your claims of refusing to play games And creating erratic brain waves just to find the right words to say... I copied your message Yup, the whole k...

I have a friend. He's so sweet to me. He writes me poetry, he sends me music, we text, we email, we talk... this guy is wonderful. Did I mention he's my friend?? He's so into me. We flirt, we laugh, we talk about our favorite foods, we plan to travel together, last night he had the steamiest dream about ME and just reading the details made my face flush beet red. Did I mention he's my friend?? He listens to me about my dating woes, he listens to me complain about slacking off on going to the gym, he likes to hear my voice, he loves when we go spelunking (private joke), he accepts my quirks and my expressions and my hang ups. But- he's my friend. You know what I like best about this friendship? Its free. Its open. Its easy. I don't have to worry about the labels. I don't have to wonder where its going or where it won't be going. I don't have to care who else he sends poetry or who else he spelunks with. All I know is I can text him a *Slurp* and he kn...

as a little girl I knew nothing about the things of the world the ins or the outs as a young lady I began to see the flaws of my parents and the road before me as a young woman I came to see that life is for consuming every opportunity There are many more years for me to grow and adhere to the wisdom I come to know.

"Do you want to be loved or do you want to love?" Mom had a subtle grin on her face. I knew that she was trying to teach me something because she always got that grin on her face. What I needed to decide was whether or not I wanted to learn today's lesson. Mom patiently kneaded her dough. Her homemade bread was so good. I used to sit on a little wooden bench and watch the entire process. I never learned how to bake bread though. "I don't see why I should have to choose." I mumbled. I decided that there was no right answer, only an opinion. "You will have to choose." Mom smiled this time. It was a mental game of chess that I had no idea I was playing. For some reason, I felt like no move was going to be the right move. "I think that two people can love each other equally and be happy. No one person should do all of the loving. I think its negative to think that you should have to choose." Mom continued kneading. I continued to express my o...

I have been called negative before. My argument has been that I am a realist. I actually try my best to stay upbeat and positive as much as possible. But then there are those days.... They are the days that you'd rather rub alcohol prep pads over your eyelids than go to work. They're the days you'd rather tweeze every hair out of your head than tell that a$$wipe the same answer to the same darn question for the thousandth time. They are the days that dealing with the BS that life has handed you is like pushing out a ten pound turd while tippy toeing on a tight rope.... (thats a hilarious visual actually- hee hee). Well for me, its been one of those days and sadly, it has progressed into weeks. I am what you call "in a funk". I don't know how long its going to last but I am doing my darnedest to get out of it. Today, I ordered pizza. This is how I know I am emotionally affected. I needed comfort food. Well, after gobbling my three slices and feeling like a glut...

I am becoming restless. I am single, but not single...I want to date, however I don't feel as if I am in a position to do so. I want to meet someone worth my time, however its too soon to consider committing my time to someone else. So, I have a bit of a crush. I won't elaborate and you can't coerce me. He seems to be a sweet, smart and good looking guy. Problem: He won't make a move. I have no clue as to how he feels about me. He does things that lead me to believe he is interested but he has yet to ask me out or ask me for my number. I refuse to solicit his company and I wonder if that is all the push he needs. And so begins my foray into the world of dating. I have no clue as to what to do or what I am doing. I now realize the comforts of marriage. I had someone that I came home to, that came home to me (well, thats debatable) and if I went to a bar, lounge or club I never had to worry about who was going to approve of and eventually attempt to get to know me. Now I...