Thinking Kinky : The Nappy Haired Diva

I have always had a slew of male friends. It not that I didn't have my fair share of female friends as well its just that I always had male friends that I was always able to confide in, spend time with, as well as serve as a confidante for them as many of them have done served the same role in my life. I've noticed that a few of my males friends seem to utilize me as a substitute girlfriend. They don't desire to be in a relationship with me however they expect me to fill in the voids of their relationships. For some reason, this doesn't sit well with me at all. I have had this occur within at least three friendships and I can say with certainty that I will be putting an end to it today. Take a look at the cases in point: Kevin: Kevin and I were speaking and emailing each other daily. He gave me hope of actually embarking upon a relationship after my separation. We finally came to the conclusion that my marriage was an issue for him. He didn't want to be involved...

Lately I have been reevaluating the meaning of friendship. What is a friend? Is it someone you can count on no matter what? Is it someone who loves you in spite of actually knowing you? Is it someone who encourages you? Is it someone you tell your darkest secrets to? I still don't have the answer as I believe that everyone holds a different standard as to what constitutes a friendship. For me a friend is someone who you know without a doubt loves you and values you as a person is there to lift you up, as well and smack you with a dose of reality if you are in need of it. I had a friend once. I met him when I was in a very low place in my life. I was struggling in many ways. Somehow he was able to see my spirit instead of my circumstance and became my friend. We became closer in one year than I had to people I had known for many. Then, he met someone. Lets just call her Summer. It was one of those whimsical flakey names and whimsical and flakey she was. He disappeared, totally t...

The tears have long since dried on my cheeks and the salt tinged tracks have contoured my face and have taken the place of the rosiness that was once there I fear that warmth will never come again and send  my spirits soaring I wish I can bottle happiness like the vineyard bottled this wine  that coddles  and finds  me and my mind in a more peaceful state much more sedate no love no hate just breathing children hush now its time for bed mommys trying to clear her head and sip rather than take her life instead hush now phone you cannot ring I am trying not to think of things I need silence from the giants called grief parading through my soul wearing holes in my armor I am tired.  hush now friends I know trouble doesn't last always but I feel like giving up most days and so sometimes my hope for peace strays a ray of light finds its way in and whispers: "fight again" and I foll...

I have taken enough of your bullshit. I have raised our children without your presence, your interest, or your assistance. I have spared you my woes as I struggle to provide. I have received your excuses and accepted them. I have allowed myself to inconvenienced for the sake of your irresponsibility. I am finished. My only comfort is knowing that if there is a hell you will surely rot in it. Live it up now asshole. Your time will come. 

I have a confession or maybe a lesson but since people are addicted to 'feel good' I'll just call this my blessing. Today I had to decide to provide you with reality. Reality is what i s and not whats expected Reality is what i s and can not be rejected The reality I am about serve you will likely not be accepted easily. In fact you may be insulted, perhaps even revolted by this but I'd be remiss if I didn't kiss your Judas face with this blessing. For years I have cared and loved you despite your flaws, and undeclared wars I have loved you Because of this love others have inherited its benefits greedily consumed with no end to it family with no friend in it receiving but seldom sending it. I have lived my early years as an eager dog craving for a bone and with each one thrown I was content but I have spent recent years demanding a meal a love I can respect with a reciprocity I can feel the wounds you have borrowed into my flesh s...

She lay in a bed with less words said than most she was the host of this frantic gathering I stood slathering as much lotion as I could on my thin cracked hands that could not withstand the hospital hand disinfectant in each doorway were a sign that would say to be sure to disinfect your hands to remove germs and I learned to perform the routine obediently each time I came to see my mother. This particular day my sister and I arrived about the same time to hear the doctor inform us of her condition We listened. Each night, my sister and I would try to find a way to make each day easier for our mother while my brother remained distant and frantic She had surgery. She came home. My sister and I alone paid her bills. resentment cast a chill against my heart toward my brother second born to my mother and first removed from coming to her aid he strayed further and further from my good grace as he made boisterus promises that he would replace with inaction...

It happened again. I met a wonderful man. He was sweet, kind, affectionate, and sure of what he wanted. He was good. Hearing all of these things may cause one to wonder why is it then that I am not with him. The answer is simple: every good man isn't the man for you. We met online. We hit it off quite quickly. What started off as casual dating turned into a whirlwind romance. Sometimes I wonder if we were both caught up in some sort of romantic fantasy rather than a realistic effort to build something that could last. I hate to downplay how we felt but I suppose its the Curse of a Cynic. "I really like you" evolved into "I love yous" in a matter of months. When I say months I mean two of them, perhaps even less. I loved the way he made me feel. I loved how attentive he was. I loved the comfort we had between us and how easily things flowed. I loved that I could be myself without being penalized. I loved that he made me thank God for giving me hope for lovi...

A few blogs ago, I was giving my prospective on Co-Parenting. Yesterday, my sister politely informed me that I am not co-parenting at all. Here's how she came to that conclusion: As I may have mentioned before, since about July I have been working a part-time job in addition to my full time job and because of this I work 7 days a week. My part-time job is in Washington, DC which is about 1 hour away from my home. Instead of doing a total of 4 hours in commute time and gas mileage each weekend, I instead round up my daughters and crash at my mothers home which is 30 minutes away from my job saving me gas and time. The girl's father lives about two minutes away from my mothers house so naturally once the girls are in the neighborhood they want to see their Dad. Two weeks ago, he made arrangments to see them and came to pick them up about an hour after he said he would. The girls sat dressed staring out the window until he finally arrived. The following day he said that ...

"I feel empty." I said this with finality. I wanted him to know that I didn't plan on improving. "I am empty." I offered this immediately. I wanted him to understand that there was no changing my state of well being or lack thereof. This was a confirmation. He reclined in his cheap office chair. He always crossed his right leg neatly over his left and I always wondered how a man could do such a thing without posing a threat to his genitals. I then allowed my eyes to drift and gaze upon his crotch, pondering the placement of his genitals in the make-shift vice created by his crossed legs. He shifted slightly in his chair, obviously in response to my shameless ogling. "Why do you say that?" He exhaled. He always seemed bored with our sessions. Perhaps I wasn't insane enough to be exciting. "Its what I know to be true." This came on purpose. I wanted him to understand that he can't change what I know. He can only influence what I thi...

I was in an abusive relationship for about at least nine years. I was emotionally abused, I was financially taken for granted, and there were other types of abuse that I prefer not to elaborate on. The bottom line is that I was in a relationship that put me in a dark place and I became quite comfortable with the pain that I constantly endured. He was the first man I had ever fallen in love with and I didn't know anything else. I functioned within the dysfunction and while I knew things were not "right" I still stayed. Eventually it had nothing to do with love but much more to do with habit. Then- I ended it all. Each man I have met and dated since has been a better fit for me than the man before him. Each man I have met and dated since has shown me what it is that I deserve and has given me a glimpse of what happiness within a relationship can be like. Recently I met someone that has been a ray of light in my life. He is smart, he is attentive, hard-working, s...

I did turkey bacon and sunny side up eggs again for breakfast. I think the toughest thing with this is going to be able to create interesting dishes outside of the the usual. Lunch is going to be a chipotle chicken and steak salad. Dinner? not so sure yet. I havent bothered to weigh in, it would be stupid to do that as I havent even been at this for a week. My mood: I'm peeved but thats common for me so I can't blame it on the changes. My energy: pretty good for a Thursday. I can say that I got 7 hours sleep last night and between that and the new guy I have been seeing, I am a happy camper most days. So thats my eating in a nutshell. I am changing my diet, but I am also trying to change my life. This all starts within and hopefully the results will reflect on the outside. Peace and love!

February marks my 32nd birthday and I am not stepping further into my 30's out of shape. I was exercising plenty over the summer but financial woes caused me to step away and work a PT gig in addition to my FT gig (a seven day work week). The last time I tried to work out, my body began to shake and I collapsed on the couch. Basically, too much work, too little sleep= no working out for me. HOWEVER, there is no better time to eat healthy. If I can't work out I need to pay close attention to what goes in since I can't work it off. Today starts my hard core low carbing section of my blog. Breakfast: 4 Turkey Bacon Strips and 3 sunny side up eggs. Lunch: salad topped with warm grilled chicken (a drop of dressing) Dinner: Chicken legs and asparagus I will do weigh ins each week. The goal? 15lbs down by Feb. God help me over the holidays. -Thinking Slimmer.

...First comes love, then comes marriage then comes.... with a baby carriage! Do you remember singing that with friends when you were teasing someone about a crush during recess? I do. Any time I heard it I would giggle along with my friends and join in chanting it along with them. I remember wanting desperately to kiss a boy in the sixth grade. His name was Matthew and I thought he was about the cutest thing I'd ever laid eyes on. He of course was oblivious to my existence and I never got a chance to even speak to him so forget about kissing him. Once I started to blossom and left the awkward stage most tweens go through, I had no problems with my first kiss or the many kisses that came after that. Kissing was the thing when I was growing up. My Best Friend and I had a Kiss List. We write the name of all of the guys that we had kissed and periodically rate them against each other. As my kiss list grew to the double digits I became afraid as bouts of herpes and mono were prese...

Well, I'm back at it. I know what I said so please don't remind me. I promised that I was going to stay away from men for a few months until I got time to breathe, stop and smell the roses, clear my mind, etc. Seven weeks later I was typing in my bank card information looking for some interaction on a dating site. Allow me to be clear: I hate dating sites. I hate that they send you the same rotation of members although there supposidly HUNDREDS of them available. I hate that I have to send a virtual wink at men I am interested in and hope that they will see my profile and virtually "wink" back at me. I really hate when I get notification that I have an email and its not from a guy I am interested in but the creep at the bottom of the cyber barrel that probably sends EVERYONE (including men) emails. Did I mention the whole culture of online dating? First you have The Reluctant. The Reluctant is a population I am a part of. We want to meet someone but we are apprehe...

All I needed was a vacation. I didn't ask for much and the least I could do was treat myself. All of my friends couldn't come up with the money so I just let it be. I don't need them to relax, but I do need to relax. Everyone is so free here. Fat girls in bikinis, skinny girls in bikinis... just free. I decided to choose a spot close enough to the water so I can take a quick dip if I felt like it. I didnt even want to walk. I came to relax. I looked over to my left and thats where I saw them. They looked like they came here often, there was a familiarity that they had with their surroundings. They moved about like they were at home. I quickly turned away. I didnt want to stare. Moments later I was spying on them again. Two gorgeous women chuckling and sipping drinks. Both had to be in their 3o's, but both looked younger. I knew better though, they weren't spring chickens. They just had "the look". Its the look you get when you're content with your l...

First, I hope I don't ruffle any feathers with this one however I feel compelled to write this... When I was a child I lived in a working class neighborhood that was predominantly black and Caribbean (sorry but there is a huge different in Caribbean upbringing in comparison with Black Southern, Black African or Black American upbringing so the need to differentiate felt necessary). I went to an elementary school that was filled with loads of black children, to the point that any fair skinned or white child was immediately identified and known by all because well, they weren't black. I exceled in my elementary school. I got the Assistant Principals award, I had poems published in my year book, I was in Talented and Gifted, I was in music, I went to the beach club with one of my teachers, pet sat for another, entered every statewide contest, aced my city wide tests... I was that kid. Hell, Sistah Souljah signed my year book and told me MY writing was good and she is the one w...

There are some people who always want to tell you about their woes. I can deal with that. Then there are people who want you to solve their problems for them. I can't deal with that. Please know that I have had my fair share of issues and I have been given grace on numerous occasion by friends, family and even strangers. Each time, I cringe because I don't enjoy receiving help. I feel as if I am failing when I need it, or as if I am weak. Today someone told me that their car got vandalized, it rained and the rain ruined the car's interior, their paycheck is short, and they don't know what to do. Now, I wanted to know how this information was going to affect me. See, we have an arrangment and a part of that arrangement requires a "transaction" to take place. So when I am being informed all of all the mishaps in your life, I am wondering when the bottom line will be discussed (the bottom line being, are you going to meet your end of the deal?). As much as I am...

I don't want to spend too much time on my story. If you follow this blog you already know the story. BUT- in case you don't know the story: I married a man I had no business marrying but love and wanting to do the "right" thing as you see fit at the time can get you into a land of trouble. So, I'm at the intersection of Terrible Avenue and Mistake Drive. I share two children with a man that I describe as a co-worker who really should have been fired a long time ago. It's like that fool in the other department that you deal with ever so often and you each time you see them you say to yourself: "I can't believe they didn't fire that @$$hole." The hardest thing for me dealing with someone who see as irresponsible and disinterested in parenting their children is continuously attempting to work with this person although I don't even care to speak to them. My kids are at an age where they can not make arrangements with him independent of me ...

Rosalyn twirled happily in the mirror. Her dress looked perfect. Those months of endless workouts had finally paid off and she looked exactly as she had hoped she would several months ago. Her make-up was as close to flawless as one could get. That hideous birthmark on her temple was concealed quite nicely. Pleased with her appearance she looked in the mirror and gave herself a broad grin. "I have never seen you look so beautiful." said her mother, Carol. Carol was always there, even when Rosalyn didn't know or care for the company. Her ever present need to nurture her daughter was apparent to many except to Carol, of course. Rosalyn grinned yet wider and opened her arms eagerly for an embrace. Carol happily obliged and the two women swayed gaily in the mansion bedroom which was now converted into a dressing room for the sake of bridal madness. "You are going to live a great life with him Rosalyn, better than I ever did with your father." Carol said in a sent...

Its hot as hell out here. I wish this car had AC. Well it doesn't matter because I'm not leaving here until he comes out that door. I know that he's in there and once he come's out I am going to knock his head off! Damn it's hot. Let me see if I can wipe some of this sweat off in case she comes out there with him. I don't want to look busted. Can't look busted in front of the other woman. You have to show them that you look just as good as they do. I saw her picture. She looks like she never had a baby, or worked, or had a broken heart a day in her life. Its hot out here. I'm not leaving. I'm going to sit right here until they come out of that house and then I'm going to fly out this car like a bat out of hell and set it off on the both of them. I'm not going to her. I'm going to be a lady about it. I'm going to knock his head clear off his neck though! Who does he think he is leaving me for some stuffy city girl? She can't love...

I met her back in highschool. She was hot even back then. She had a sex appeal that eluded girls her age. I ached for her for four years. We would flirt, but I never had the courage to take it further. Sometimes I even thought I saw her frown in disappointment that I didnt. Finally, I saw her on Facebook. Actually I saw her legs. Her profile picture was of her legs! Ends up we had a mutual friend. I immediately sent her a request, but I was going to do it right. I sent her a message too. I kept it casual, I didnt want her to sense my excitement. Hey, how are you? How's life, good to see you, keep in touch. I wanted her to give me the signal, and let me know how she wanted things to go down. She replied, the next day. Said she was living in New York, had a loft in Soho and was working in finance but had a passion for photography. She was "so glad" to have received a message from me and she looked forward to catching up. So, she's digging me. Looking forward means mor...

It was a single parent home. I never thought my mother to be particularly business savvy. I always associated that with suits and briefcases. I knew she hustled and did whatever needed to be done to keep us fed and sheltered. Recently, I began searching for an aftercare program for my children since I am at work when they get out of school. Apparently, aftercare for two children costs anywhere from $200 a month to $800 a month. After making numerous calls, all programs within my price range (take a wild guess, its on the low end) were booked and I was left without any choices as I couldn't afford and $800 monthly expense on my meager income. After some prayer and thought, I decided to post ads for childcare on the web. I came up with 2 prospects and scheduled interviews with each of them. One person was a married mom of one child living locally who said she could commit for three months. She sounded super qualified however a bit over qualified. She took leave from work just to po...

photo courtesy of phillymag His name was ****. I met him back when I worked for a property management company in DC. I was going to grab a bite from a Jamaican spot called sweet mango and he practically jogged to meet me. I actually tripped trying to accelerate out of his reach. Understand that I don't take too kindly to men approaching me while I'm out and about. We spoke for a bit over the phone, but we were both going through way too much. He just had surgery on a hernia and was on a limited budget to his leave of absence from work for the surgery and I was gung-ho for divorce and struggling working a part time gig. We fell off ( I often do that with many people). Fast forward to a few weeks ago. He contacted me on FB (we weren't FBfriends at the time so a search was performed...hey, I'm worth searching for! lol) and we started chatting again. He said that he never forgot about me and he wanted to try again now that our lives have finally found stability...

I met him some years ago. It was at a time where everyone was on another planet and we all used to send each other notes and see who was interested in whom. I would partake in the game but never played it with dedication. I just joined in from time to time without anticipation or expectation. I likened myself to a casual gambler. I played what I could stand to lose, never fixed on the big win. He came to my house. I was quite round at the time, but not shy about it at all. I was round and at well over six feet, he -was quite long. We are all varied shapes. We went to a buffet which seemed to suit both his long and my round stature. We spoke, we smiled. He wanted to be a good pastor. I just wanted to be good. We parted ways, and lost each other in life. It often happens that way. Years later I went back to that planet that I once would visit and he was there. We caught up. He no longer wanted to be a good pastor, he just wanted to be his best. I realized I would never be good, I was b...

Here's the story: So, I'm slacking at my part-time job right now and (apparently I have no shame as I typed that without much thought or remorse) part of my daily duties are to turn on the six televisions in the common areas which my boss prefers to have on CNN. After turning the television on, the segment playing caught my attention and I found myself staring at the television screen absolutely engrossed with Rosie O'Donald. Before you toss your hands up and tell me that you're done with me for being engrossed by Rosie, let me explain... Rosie O'Donald had a heart attack. She took a long time before she even went to her cardiologist or even a hospital. It ended up that she had a blocked artery and it was likely that she could have died. Okay, here's the thing that truly got my attention: She didn't go to the doctor. Why is this such a big deal? Because according to CNN many women suffer from heart attacks and strokes and have no clue until days or even w...

In the midst of working long days for all days I have both mysteriously and miraculously found the time to find myself. Immersing myself in work has allowed me to isolate myself from distractions and by doing so I think I finally began to recover and discover who I am. To say that this is a freeing moment is an understatement. I think I am more likely to say this moment is monumental in my growth as a person and above all as the ever thinking kinky Abby! While waiting for the hours to dwindle by as they always do on my part time job, I decided to crack open "The Ways Of White Folks" by Langston Hughes. What an eye-opening read! He is still one of my favorite writers to this day. "The Ways..." is a series of short stories that combined have a lasting effect on the reader. A part of me was left mourning the black experience at a time in history where being black was perceived as unfortunate rather than being regarded as a race. A nigger was a nigger. High yellow nig...